Fresh Start

I haven’t posted in a while, I rather lost interest in keeping things up to date, but now I want to try harder and really make a go of this blog. When I started, I wanted to write amazingly well written, thought provoking posts but I have realised recently that I would rather just write, to get the words out of my head and down on paper, than get what I’m writing to sound perfect. There is always plenty of time for editing later if I so wish but right now is the time to be honest and real, and what’s more real than the random stream of words that just come tumbling out of my brain through my fingertips? And so, I am starting again. I am loathe to delete my earlier posts so I will just leave them where they are, gathering proverbial dust in the archives of cyberspace. Therefore I am treating this post as if it were my first and making a fresh start.

            A few things have happened in the nine months since my last post. With regards to getting treatment for my mental health problems, the progress was rather slow but suddenly things have started picking up speed. I spent a long time being referred from place to place and having numerous assessments with numerous people before being offered a course of treatment. I have also changed my medication twice in that time. The new medication seems to be working finally as my mood is definitely starting to lift, but I am still struggling with anxiety issues. The course of treatment I have been offered is a ‘therapeutic community’, which basically means group therapy. I didn’t like the idea when it was first suggested but over time and through much prayer I have decided to give it a go. I have never done group therapy before as the thought has always terrified me, but right now I am willing to try almost anything if it might help. When the programme starts properly it will consist of three and a half days involving lots of therapy and activities. It’s supposed to help with a lot of mental health problems and also with the effects that such problems have on people’s lives.

            The programme starts with one hour a week of assessment for four weeks before moving on to become a full member of the therapeutic community. This afternoon I had the first of these assessment sessions. Before I went I was really anxious and almost had a panic attack. My hands were shaking and I felt like crying and running away (an unfortunate habit of mine). I took some beta-blockers to help with the anxiety and made myself get over my fears and go. Everyone was lovely and I don’t know what I expected, but I think it went well. I was the only new person there and so a lot of the time everyone was focussed on me which I admit made me rather uncomfortable as I don’t like being the centre of attention. Despite that I felt welcomed by everyone in the group and did say that I would return next week. I really want to give this a shot as I am sick of this illness that has plagued me for over ten years of my life and I really believe that it is what God wants for me. It is what I want for myself. And though the road may be scary, the destination is somewhere I really want to get to so I am determined to stick with it (unlike any other therapy I’ve had over the years).

            As I mentioned earlier, the medication I am now on for my depression has helped in lifting my mood but another thing that I think has aided that part of my recovery is the fact that I have taken up running. I signed up to do the race for life for Cancer Research UK and have been trying to go for runs regularly. I was extremely unfit and over-weight when I started (and still am) but I am doing better than I did at first and though I don’t think I’ll be able to run the whole 5km, I have lost some weight and feel better for the exercise. Also, if I manage to complete the race I think that it will help build my confidence, having achieved a goal.

            Other things I have been up to recently are not as interesting to others as the things I have just mentioned. As always, I have been reading a lot. I am supposed to be writing book reviews for a friend’s blog but so far I’ve only actually written one. I need to get on track with that. Then there is my creative writing blog which at the moment only contains poems I wrote ages ago as I haven’t written any recently. I am however writing a new novel at the moment. I’ve only just started writing it but I am really excited about it, I think it’s going to be fun to write. I’m also doing a creative writing course at the moment. It’s the second one I’ve done recently and I’m rather enjoying it. I found the first one I did really enjoyable too and there’s going to be a book published of the work we did and a showcase for it in a couple of weeks. I’m not very confident in my writing ability but I do think that the showcase thing will help to build my confidence a bit.

            I don’t think I have much else to write about. Life here plods on, though it does seem to be beginning to gain some speed at last. I am finally looking forward to the future more and am intent on returning to university. I’m trying to take things one step at a time and working through problems instead of just running away from them. I really do want to recover and by God’s Grace I finally believe that it can happen. It has taken a considerable amount of time to come even this far but to me it feels like a massive step and it is all going in the right direction. For now I am going to leave things here but I do intend to keep this updated about things going on in my life and how I feel about them.

God bless

KV