Things
have been moving rather quickly recently with regards to the Intensive Group
Therapy Programme (IGTP) that I was referred to. When I last posted about it,
just over a week ago, I was attending the Progress and Assessment Group (PAG)
once a week, on a Wednesday afternoon. Since then I have actually joined the
programme full-time and have completed my first week in the community.
Before
I started I was really nervous and anxious. I’ve never done group therapy
before as the thought has always terrified me, and so when I arrived first
thing on Monday morning I just wanted to turn around and run in the other
direction. Despite feeling scared and sick, I made myself go in. I was met by
two community members who I had met at PAG on Wednesday afternoons. They gave
me a quick tour of the building and then explained a little about the structure
of the programme and the day-to-day activities.
Throughout
the day I attended various therapy groups (including art therapy) and met most
of the other members of the community. The first day was not difficult in terms
of what was talked about in the therapy sessions but by the end of the day I
was absolutely knackered. I had rather worn myself out with anxiety, and just
doing so much in one day really sapped my energy. At the end of the day I went
home and just ended up falling asleep as I was so tired.
The
following day was harder. I really struggled with the therapy groups and in the
last session of the day, a community member walked out, which actually really
affected me. I’ve had lots of therapy in the past, but every time I have just
walked out and not gone back. Now I’m really trying to make a go of recovery
but I still find it hard to fight my usual response of running away. The fact
that someone else had walked out made me really anxious, especially because it
disrupted the group and the structure of the rest of the session. The person
who walked out did actually return after only a few minutes, which surprised me
in a way, because, as I said, I usually left and never returned. It was really
brave of them to come back; I know I would have been terrified of going back.
It would be fair to say that the second day was interesting and again, I was
absolutely worn out by the end of the day.
By
Wednesday I was already tired out with the therapy and being out of the house
for two days running. I managed to make myself go to the group but I felt like
crap and was rather spaced out. Within the first hour and a half another
community member had walked out; the second in as many days. Like on the
Tuesday, this made me very upset and anxious and the rest of the day was
completely disrupted. We were in and out of Emergency General Meetings (EGMs)
all day discussing how people felt and what we should do about the walk-out.
The rest of the day passed in a blur of meetings and chamomile and spiced apple
tea. I was tired and felt really zoned out and disillusioned with the
programme. I left feeling like crap still, but with the added bonus of a
pounding headache. Unfortunately I couldn’t even go home and just sleep as I
was supposed to be going out for dinner with the family for my brother’s
birthday. When I did finally get to bed I fell asleep almost immediately; I was
just wiped out.
On
the Thursday morning I really did not want to go back but I forced myself to. I
was only there in the morning (as Thursday is a half day) and was looking
forward to meeting a friend for coffee in town afterwards. The morning was
difficult for a lot of reasons and I was so glad when I could leave. Thursday
was actually the last day for one of the community members. It was strange
having my first week there, knowing that it was someone else’s final week. It
was also encouraging in a way; to know that it can happen, that you can come
out the other side. Also, the person who left was very kind and supportive and
said that they really wished me all the best with the programme.
I
left on Thursday afternoon knackered and glad to have the rest of the week off.
I had a cup of tea and a catch-up with my best friend that afternoon and ranted
at her about how the week had gone on the programme; she’s always good for a
rant. And I did feel a little better after talking to her, though I was still
exhausted and went home and fell asleep.
I
haven’t completely decided to go in next week. I had been planning to. I do
really want to recover but I am having doubts. I guess everyone does. I’m going
to try and make myself go. But part of me is fighting; wanting to run away.
Again. I had to force myself not to run out of the building so many times over
the course of the week.
I’ll
update at some point about whether I do decide to go back or not, and how it
goes if I do. Prayers would be much appreciated for this as I really want to
keep God’s plans for me in this in my sight, in my mind and on my heart.
Thanks and God bless
KV
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