Read, Pray, Love: Part Two

Following on from my post Read, Pray, Love I wanted to write something more. Since writing that post, though it wasn't actually all that long ago, I have had time to think about a great many things. I went to Brighton for a few days last week to visit some friends and my baby goddaughter. Being away from York was exactly what I needed. I spent most of my time with friends but I also took some time for me. I went running along the sea front, I read a fair bit, I read my Bible and I prayed. I feel so much better physically, mentally and emotionally for having had that time to rest and to look after myself. Starting back at Uni this week after the Christmas break and after spending that much-needed time in Brighton I feel, not only prepared, but almost buzzing for what this term and my future hold. I have rediscovered my passion and enthusiasm for life and I cannot wait to get on and do things; to live life. To love life.

My new year's resolutions include to read more, to pray more and to love more. And I have decided that as a way of keeping these particular resolutions, I am going to do a kind of series of blog posts under the umbrella title Read, Pray, Love. I've not worked out any kind of schedule for the posts or even what most of the content will be. Some, if not most, of the posts are going to be based on the books that I read. Mostly Christian or psychology books. The posts may take a kind of book review format or they may take a different form completely.

Other posts are going to be about my prayer life. I am going to try and be as honest as possible in these posts, because I don't feel that enough Christians reveal how truly vulnerable and messed up they are and I am as guilty of this as the next person. So I want to express just how messed up I can be but also to show that, I may be vulnerable, but I am no more vulnerable than anyone else; I am just, simply human.

As for the final part of the Read, Pray, Love. I'm not sure how I will reflect this part in blog posts. It's going to take time for me to work out what I'll write and it could take any form or style. But I am going to try, again, to be as honest as possible in these posts. As I wrote in the first Read, Pray, Love post, I find it difficult to trust people and to love people, so I think that this is going to be the most difficult part for me. But it's going to be an interesting journey.

You will be able to find all future Read, Pray, Love posts on the Read, Pray, Love page by clicking on the tab at the top of the blog page or by following this link: Read, Pray, Love Page.

Read, Pray, Love

I've always loved to read; it's my safe place. Somewhere I can just escape to, through the pages of a book. It is the very reason I study literature. But, even though I get to read all the time whilst studying, and I really love what I do, I miss simply reading for pleasure. I miss getting to pick up a new book, a book I have chosen to read, and going wherever my mood takes me. I've received a lot of encouragement recently to take more time out; to try not to stress about work too much, and to spend time for myself. So, in my time off, I've been taking time to read more, for pleasure. I was also challenged recently by a good friend who had been praying for me, especially about my Uni work, to spend more time with God. Even more time than I think I can spend, just reading and praying and being with God. I really felt this challenge. All last term I struggled to make it to small group due to my University timetable. I struggled to make it to church due to my lack of motivation. And I struggled to consistently spend time with God because I had so much work to do. Recently, my head has been a bit of a mess. There are a few reasons for this. The stress I put myself under with regards to Uni work does not help. But my lack of time with God is the greatest issue. I am going to be scarily honest here and admit that I have not actually sat down and read my Bible in quite a while. Nor have I even read any Christian books. And this scares me. The Bible should be the one book I read consistently and continually. It is the first book I should turn to when I need to rest. The first book I should turn to when I am struggling. And the first book I should turn to when I sit down to begin my work. But not only is it the first book I should turn to, it is also the last book. When the day is over; when my struggles have been overcome; when that essay has finally been submitted only ten minutes before the deadline. Then, also, I should turn to the Bible and thank God for the blessings He has poured out on my life; for fighting my battles for me; for helping me get that essay done and submitted in time.

I once heard someone say, during a preach, that he spent an hour everyday with God, except when he was busy. Then he spent two hours with God. My friend was right when she challenged me to spend more time than I think I can with God, especially when I am so busy with work. Because it is in the times when we are busy, or struggling, or stressed, or just consumed by work that we need God most. Sure, He is our rest and we should make sure to rest in Him often. But He is also our strength and so we need to rely on Him when we are tired and stressed and working too hard.

I've never been very good at relying on other people. Years of hurt and abuse and betrayal taught me not to trust anyone and I'm very independent and self-reliant, so I still find it extremely difficult to trust or rely on anyone, including God. I know that I need to learn to rely on God more and that to do that I need to read the Bible and pray more. Spending time with God - finding strength in Him, resting in Him - isn't just about reading the Bible, it's praying; being in conversation with God. My friend's challenge to me to spend more time with God wasn't just about reading my Bible more, though of course that's part of it, but it was about praying more and learning to rely on God, especially in hard times.

Learning to rely on God means learning to love God. I am not exactly a faithful person. I don't so much 'believe in' God as simply cannot deny His existence. For me, I know that God exists, I've always known that He exists, I can't even try to deny this. But that doesn't mean that I've always loved Him. In fact, I've always struggled to love Him and for a long time I was very angry with Him. Still am sometimes. It has taken a long time for me to even begin to learn to rely on God. I'm not there yet. And I'm not quite there yet when it comes to loving Him either. But I am getting there. Slowly. I don't think He blames me though, I have a lot of issues to work on here.

It is because God loves us that we are able to love Him and through loving Him, we can learn to love others and are instructed to do so. Sometimes I feel like I'm not a very loving person. I try. But I really struggle to even be around people sometimes, let alone to love them. It's something I constantly battle with. Not being able to trust people makes loving them rather difficult. It is the people I have loved who have hurt me most. Perhaps I have not loved very wisely in the past and so have hardened my heart. The Bible tells us to guard our hearts and perhaps I have guarded mine a little too fiercely, but I think I am beginning to feel again. It's terrifying. And I've still got a long way to go. But I am learning to spend time with God; to trust in Him and rely on Him, and to love Him.

***

I had initially finished the post there but I wanted to share one extra thing:

My biggest fear in posting this is that people are going to think that I'm going through a period of doubt or that I'm in a really bad place either spiritually or mentally But I'm not. I'm just being honest. And, honestly, I've been in much worse places than this. And I got out of them. My head actually feels clearer than it has done in a long time. I will be fine. I always am. And right now, that's good enough for me.

Fairy tales...

"Fairy tales  are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." G.K.Chesterton

Once again, this is a post that has been a long time in the imagining. I wrote a post, not that long ago, about the recent increase in the amount of fantasy fiction in our bookshops and on our reading lists. It was called Happily Ever Afters and its basic premise was, that the reason for the increase in the amount of fantasy fiction at the moment is a response to people's desires to escape their own dreary existences into the imaginary worlds conjured by our favourite authors. I've always loved reading fantasy fiction, for this very reason. In fact, this is most of the reason for my love of reading in general. It's probably the reason that a lot of people like to read. We always prefer the image or the illusion to what is real. One of the therapists at St Andrew's told me about this cartoon (I tried to find the image but couldn't - Google has failed me). In the cartoon there were two escalators. On one escalator there are several men and they are all looking to the side at these posters on the wall. It's the same poster repeated the whole way up the wall and it shows an image of a pretty, semi-clad woman, advertising something. On the other escalator, in the opposite direction from that in which the men are all looking, is a beautiful, real live woman - completely naked. But the men don't notice because they are all too busy looking at the image. After the one therapist told me about this cartoon, another therapist said to me - in a rather exasperated tone - "It's not real!" Well that was the point. This all came out of a conversation that a few people, myself included, were having about 'lists' for our ideal partners and fictional characters that we found attractive. I remember studying existence as a precept in Philosophy once; the idea that a thing is made better by its existence and that, it can only be the greatest thing if it actually exists because the greatest thing that can be imagined isn't the greatest thing because it could be made better by being in existence. The point is, something that is real, is always better than something that is imagined, because it is real. But this is confusing logic, so is it any wonder that people seem to prefer the ideal over the real?

This is why we like fairy tales and novels that follow the fairy tale format. The idealism of fairy tales, and of a lot of fiction, is what makes it so very appealing to the human nature. From my perspective, I see five main precepts of the fairy tale format:

• People are either completely good or completely evil - the hero(ine) is always a paradigm of good
• Our foes - dragons - can be beaten
• Good vs. evil - good always wins in the end
• The girl always gets her Prince
• They all live happily ever after

These all seem rather idealistic. For a start, no body is either completely good or completely evil. People don't actually work that way. We all have good points and bad points and a lot of these, if not all of them, are based on external perspective. What one person sees as a good personality trait, another might find incredibly annoying. As for the hero/heroine being a paradigm of good; well we've already established that no body is completely good, even the hero. In terms of mental health, being considered as having a 'hero' or 'saviour' complex, is a bad thing. We can't know how much of the trouble faced by the 'damsel in distress' is real, and how much is simply perceived. Also, in extreme cases, the 'hero' will cause/inflict suffering in order to then be the one to remove that suffering and 'save' the 'damsel'. As a Christian though, I feel the need to point out - that I believe - that, though no human is capable of being a paradigm of good, Jesus is completely good and He is our Saviour. So perhaps this aspect of the fairy tale format can be seen a being symbolic of a greater truth; that of Jesus Christ as the Messiah. 

The second of these precepts seems more realistic. The quote, from Gilbert Keith Chesterton, at the start of this post talks about how fairy tales, though fantastical and not containing real life possibilities, do hold some universal truths. Chesterton says that, "Fairy tales... tell us that dragons can be beaten." Dragons may be mythical creatures but, in fairy tales, they could be seen as symbolic of real life foes or adversaries or even obstacles. In fairy tales, the dragon always gets in the way of the hero, and it is the job of the hero to overcome this obstacle in order to reach the prize - usually a princess who has been locked away in a tower somewhere. Just as the idea of a hero, who is a paradigm of good, could be a symbol of a greater truth; so could the idea of dragons. In life we all face obstacles and challenges and adversaries. And we know that it is possible to defeat these. It is the basis of every motivational speech ever written. The dragon may not be real, but the thing that it symbolises is and the truth displayed in fairy tales - that dragons can be beaten - is also very real. From a Christian point of view, again, this is a truth also displayed in the Bible. (I am not suggesting that the Bible is a fairy tale, though some of you may wish to believe that it is.) I believe that the Bible is the truth and the Bible tells us of how our adversaries can be defeated and how we get the strength to beat them from God - as long as it is God's Will. 

The third on that list is that, in fairy tales there is always a battle - be it an actual physical battle or a, more subtle, battle of wills - between good and evil and that good always triumphs over evil. This again might seem unrealistic. We see wars going on in the world today where evil is winning. Battles in court where justice isn't done and a guilty party - the villain - walks free. Battles in our own lives where the part of us telling us to do the harmful, dangerous thing wins out over the part that is telling us not to. I am all too familiar with that last one. It often feels like, actually, evil is winning and there is nothing we can do about it. I have felt like that on countless occasions; for long periods of time. In this aspect, fairy tales are idealistic. They promise that good will always win and at times, in real life, this seems impossible. But fairy tales don't simply tell us that good always wins, they tell us that good always wins in the end. It's about the bigger picture. In fairy tales, the heroes face obstacles and adversity, and it may not always appear like they will win and they don't always win easily. And there's usually a twist, where the hero loses, before the final battle and the hero saves the day and good has triumphed over evil. Life is full of small battles, battles that aren't always won. But in the bigger picture good does win, in the end. At least this is what I believe. (I realise that there has been a lot of Christian reading in this but please bear with me.) God has won. By sending us His only Son to die on the cross for our sins, He won the battle against evil. Christ defeated death and is alive. 

Number four. The girl always gets her Prince. Well this isn't realistic. Some people do remain single for their entire lives. Some people marry and then discover that they've married the wrong person. The divorce rate in the U.K. alone has increased massively and was at 42% in 2011. (This had actually decreased from 45% in 2005, but is still higher than in many years previous.) In fairy tales there is also the rather unrealistic idea of 'fate' bringing together the girl and her Prince. The events are written so as to reach the desired conclusion of the Prince falling for the girl and marrying her. But most people don't ascribe to the idea of 'fate'. Most people would say that there isn't just one person out there for everyone and that you just have to find them. I mean, mathematically speaking, the chances of meeting the one person on Earth, out of all of the billions of people, who is specifically designed for you are ridiculous. It just wouldn't happen. But then there's the idea that life is written in a way that means that you will find that one person. Most people definitely wouldn't believe that. It infringes upon their right to free will. But in the church, it is believed that, if you are meant to marry, God knows who you will marry and how you will meet them. I say 'if you are meant to marry' because the Bible does tell us that some people are meant to remain single. But the majority are meant to marry and, as marriage is so important in the church, marrying the right person is massively important. But God gives us the person we are meant to marry, in some way, at some point in time. As for the 'right person' being a Prince (or Princess); they may not actually be royalty but the 'Prince' in the fairy tale is just another symbol. A symbol of the ideal person; the ideal person for you. They may not be a Prince in the strictest sense but if they're the right person for you, they kind of become your Prince in a way. 

Finally, I reach the end of the fairy tale and there is just that one line. That one line that gives us all a hope for the future; 'And they all lived happily ever after'. People say that this is unrealistic; that there is no such thing as 'happily ever after'. It's kind of the same argument as the one about good triumphing over evil, in a way. We cannot know what the future will hold and it may not always be happy. We will still have dragons to defeat and battles to win. But overall, the future could still be happy. Our happiness has a lot to do with how we view the world and how we view our own experiences. I haven't always been happy. I'm not sure if I'm exactly happy now; though, I'm definitely content. But I do hope that, in the future, I will be happy; that I will live happily ever after. Now, the cynics among you might believe me to be naive - but I am far from it. I have experienced things, that I won't share on this public platform, that have completely destroyed any innocence and naivete I might once have had. But in therapy I learnt about the choices that I have and about how I can choose to just focus on the bad things in life and be miserable, or I can choose to look at the good things and be happy. Having spent years being miserable, I desperately wanted to be happy; I just didn't know how to be - I had forgotten how to be happy. But now that I know that happiness is a state of mind and that I can choose to be happy, based on how I view the world and my experiences, I know that actually 'happily ever after' is possible. Because I can make it possible. It might not always be easy. And I might not always be happy. But, going back to that 'bigger picture' thing, I can make my future happy, overall. And, one last little note. With God, happily ever after is definitely possible. Because He gives us eternal life. "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16. 

Fairy tales may not be real but they can display some very real truths...

Currently listening to: Laura Marling - Rambling Man

don't worry, about a thing...

There are a lot of Bible verses that tell us 'do not worry' or, in some versions it is written as, 'do not be anxious'. Matthew 6: 25-27; Matthew 6: 34; Philippians 4: 6-7, and many more. These verses are all, basically, saying 'don't worry because God will look after everything, no matter what happens.' And as Christians we are frequently reminded of these many 'do not worry' verses. The thought that often springs to my mind when people spout 'do not worry...' at me is, 'easier said than done'. Anxiety is a very natural, human response; it's part of the whole 'fight or flight' thing. And having suffered from quite severe anxiety, for many years, I know a fair bit about it.

In therapy, a few months ago, one of the therapists did a session about anxiety. It was all stuff that I knew but it was different listening to someone else talking about it and explaining it in terms of it being a physiological thing, not a mental thing. Anxiety is a very physical reaction; increased heart rate, quickening breath, sweating, dizziness, shaking are all physical symptoms. Are all symptoms of anxiety. These physical symptoms are a result of a quick release of adrenaline into the body. This release of adrenaline and the onset of these symptoms are what help us to decide if a situation is too risky or dangerous, and, whether we should fight the scary, dangerous thing or just run away from it. Without adrenaline we would be able to do either of those things (we wouldn't have the strength needed to fight, or the speed needed to run away). It's a self-preservation thing.

A problem with anxiety, however, is that this physical reaction may be in response to something that really isn't actually that dangerous, or, is even just an imagined danger. The mind can find or create any number of reasons to be anxious, thus setting off the physical anxiety response. Another problem with anxiety is our response to the feeling of anxiety itself. We may decide that the feeling of anxiety is too much to bear and so we remove what we perceive to be the cause of that feeling, and the symptoms go away; we start to feel better. The problem that then arises is that, because the mind has decided, rightly or wrongly, that something specific is the cause of that feeling, the next time we come across that thing we respond in the same way; by getting anxious. And, because last time you got anxious about that thing you ran away and then felt better, you believe that the best thing to do this time, is to run away again. The more this happens, the quicker the body reacts to the burst of adrenaline and the harder it is not to run away. This quickly develops into a cycle of distorted thinking, that becomes very difficult to break.

Now, going back slightly, I mentioned that the mind will find or create any number of reasons to be anxious; they don't necessarily have to be that scary or dangerous, nor do they even have to make sense. Humans are complex beings; we can experience a wealth of emotions all at once. And the human mind is incredibly detailed and intricate in its workings and can play tricks on us and deceive us. When we are experiencing an extremely difficult mix of complex emotions and circumstances, the brain is flooded with information and hormones or chemicals. When this happens the mind will sometimes decide that it's been overloaded and that it's just too much and so will instruct the body to release adrenaline in order to be able to cope. As we know, adrenaline is what causes the physical anxiety symptoms, so when it is released, all of those physical symptoms that I listed earlier (and possibly some more) start to occur. Now when someone is able to realistically assess their situation, they will be able to determine what the actual cause of their symptoms is, and will hopefully be able to manage it appropriately. But if you're experiencing a lot of difficult emotions, when the adrenaline kicks in and the physical symptoms start, you're unlikely to be able to realistically assess or determine the cause of those symptoms and your brain will just pick an easy answer; something that can easily be resolved.

So say, for example, you're in a crowd when you start to feel the symptoms of anxiety. Your brain is likely to tell you that the cause of the anxiety, and the physical symptoms, is the crowd, and so you remove yourself from the crowd. As soon as you're away from the crowd, the adrenaline begins to wear off and you start to feel better. This just supports your belief that it was the crowd that caused your anxiety and so you associate that feeling and those symptoms with being in a crowd. This then starts a cycle where, every time you're in a crowd, you feel anxious and so you start avoiding crowds in order to avoid the anxious feeling. This may not always happen, but the more it does, the more ingrained the cycle becomes and the more your mind convinces you that crowds are bad because they cause anxiety. The thing is, this doesn't deal with the actual cause of the anxiety and the cycle is likely to get worse and worse until something is done to change it. The same thing can be seen in people who react to things with high levels of aggression. Adrenaline is also responsible for anger and aggression and so some people may react to things by becoming angry or violent when actually what they're feeling is not anger at all.

Therapy says that the best way of changing this anxiety response and breaking the cycle, is to, when you feel anxious, work through the feelings and do whatever it is your mind has convinced you is the cause of your anxiety, instead of running away. So, if you feel anxious in crowds, go and be in a crowd. Now, this does actually work. The physical symptoms caused by the burst of adrenaline will not last forever; adrenaline is only released in quick spurts and so does not remain constant. The body could not physically maintain a high level of adrenaline for any extended period of time. This means that, eventually, the adrenaline would wear off and the physical anxiety symptoms would stop on their own. Now, if you run away every time you feel those physical anxiety symptoms, when the adrenaline wears off and the symptoms stop, you end up attributing the feeling better to the fact that you ran away, but actually, if you had stayed and not run away, the adrenaline would still have worn off and you would, eventually, have started to feel better anyway, despite still being in the situation which you thought was the cause of your anxiety. So, in order to combat anxiety, you need to not run away, but stay in the crowd, and then the adrenaline and the symptoms would go away and you'd start to feel better. And, as with the way the cycle started, where, the more often you feel anxious and run away, the worse the anxiety gets; when breaking the cycle of anxiety, the more you manage to face what you thought was the cause of your anxiety, the less the anxiety is and the easier it is to face it again. And again. And again.

Saying, 'do not worry' or 'do not be anxious' is one step beyond the thinking that leads to breaking the cycle of anxiety. When the cycle of anxiety starts, you're not thinking, you're just reacting, in the way that animals do; fight or flight. But as humans, our minds have the ability to distort that natural imperative, and our thinking, and turn it into something potentially harmful. When we break the cycle of anxiety, we are beginning to think and to use our brains again. We're thinking more clearly; we recognise the distorted thinking that led to the cycle being created and we sometimes even learn the actual cause of the anxiety. And we learn how to manage and deal with the anxiety and the thoughts and causes behind it. When we are instructed 'do not worry', God is inviting us to go that bit further in our thinking and using our brains, and that step further brings us closer to Him. God wants us to not just not run away from our worries and our anxieties, but to stop worrying about them. As anxiety is a natural reaction, this seems like an impossibility. How can we stop our natural, physical reactions? But God created us. He knows that anxiety is natural. He is not asking the impossible. Because God created us, He knows this. He created us above animals so that we are not held captive by our natural, physical reactions. We are intelligent beings; we are capable of complex thought processes. We've already proven that by using our brains to help us recognise cycles of anxiety and to break them. When God says 'do not be anxious', He isn't saying 'don't have the physical reaction'. He's asking us to use our brains a bit more; to give our anxieties to Him; to let Him carry them. Because He's not going to have distorted thinking or distorted reactions. He's God; He can handle it. And if we give our anxieties to Him, we're not going to get into those distorted cycles of anxiety either, because God's got it. He knows everything and He has plans for us, so we need to trust Him, by letting Him take care of our anxieties.

My journey in therapy has been so intertwined with my spiritual journey. I had always been told or reminded of the 'do not worry' verses but I couldn't seem to help my anxiety. In therapy I've learnt to break those cycles of anxiety and to use my brain and to think more - my therapists are constantly telling me to do this. But it was only this morning, when someone was talking about not being able to help worrying about something, that I finally realised what all those 'do not worry' verses are about; what they really mean. I always felt like I was just less of a Christian because I couldn't 'not worry'. Now I realise that I'm just human. And let's face it, if we weren't all so human, what would be the purpose of Grace?

happily ever after part two

At church this morning I was thinking about books. (See my post on my writing blog, Happily Ever Afters.) I was thinking about how popular literature is currently very fantasy based; how it is an escape from real life. The preach at church was about 'What happens when we die?' and Pete, who was speaking, focused on how any works you do now, as a work for the Lord, will not be in vain. He cited 1 Corinthians 15:58, which says, 'Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labour is not in vain.' The preach was very good and I took a lot away from it, but it made me think about the Bible. As a Christian, I believe that the Bible is the word of God; that it is His truth. Pete also talked about hope. Hope doesn't have the answers, nor is it a form of escapism. But God gives us hope in order that we might persist and persevere; that what we do now in His name and in hope, will not be in vain. I was also thinking about how, psychologically speaking, faith seems to fulfil the desires of the human mind, especially my desires. Many psychologists believe that God was created by man to fulfil these desires and that believing in Him is just a fantasy; an escape. But unlike the fantasy books I read to escape from real life, the Bible is true. It doesn't give us an escape from life; it helps us to deal with life, with God. It gives us hope. And teaches us to live life in such a way that, though it isn't perfect, we can be joyful in God. More people should turn to the Bible rather than fiction, because it is the truth and it maintains us and gives us hope. Perhaps if we turned to God more, we wouldn't be so desperate to escape our lives. The only thing the Bible really has in common with fantasy fiction is the 'happily ever after'.

This post is rather unfocused and probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me, so I apologise if you think it's a load of rubbish. But it made sense in my head. In the strange way that things in my head make sense...

Scared... Me?!

Ok so I actually started writing this post months ago but I never got around to completing it. And now I know why... the service at church this morning reminded me of this semi-finished post and when I came back to read it, I realised just how right the timing is for it now. Obviously it wasn't right before. So here it is. It's about fear, God, relationships and 'extravagant love'. I feel like perhaps there will be some kind of conclusion to it next week. We'll have to wait and see but in the meantime, please read and make what you will of my ever rambling-ness.


Something that I have boasted over the years is that I am scared of very little. This is true; I'm not scared of much. But when I am scared of something, the fear is crippling. It would be fair to say that this is the cause of some of my mental health problems. But, as I have mentioned before now, I am extremely stubborn. I'm also really bad at asking for help. Both of these character flaws mean that when I do come across something that scares me - terrifies me - and I feel that icy cold grip on the back of my neck and everything just seems to stop, I refuse to admit that I'm scared. More than that, I pretend like whatever it is means nothing and I then avoid it at all costs. One could say that this has gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion; and you wouldn't be wrong. One thing that therapy is -slowly - teaching me, is that I need to talk about things that scare me and ask for help with them when I need it. My stubbornness doesn't help in this matter, but I am starting to talk about things that scare me more. I used to think that admitting fear was akin to admitting weakness; that you might as well stick a massive target on your back or a sign saying, 'pick on me about this; it scares me'. The thing that I'm finding is that actually I was, yet again (I dislike the alarmingly high frequency at which this is happening), wrong. Talking about things that scare me does actually help. It helps to talk to people who perhaps have similar fears or who at least understand the feeling that if you tell people that you're scared they'll use it against you, because they are less likely to do just that. Admitting to and talking about things that I am scared of helps to diminish the fear a little; it makes the thing seem less scary. Especially when someone else chimes in to say that they're scared of that too. It makes you feel less like a freak. Though therapy is, by its very nature, full of crazy people; so the fact that they feel the same as I do, probably doesn't make me any less crazy. But at least I can be crazy with someone.
I feel like I have been working really hard at therapy. I do try to talk about things that scare me. But I'm still scared to talk about some of them. Rather ironic that I find talking about things that scare me, scary. But hey, I am my own brand of crazy. I've talked a lot about my aversion to people which, it turns out, just boils down to me being scared of how people will treat me and of being rejected (talk about serious 'daddy' issues!). I've also talked about my fear of failure; why I find normal life so difficult because I am constantly terrified of getting things wrong and of failing. When I had to leave University, due to my messed up brain, I felt like I had failed. Not just at University but at life. I was in such a bad place when I was at University that even normal everyday life was too much for me and I just wasn't looking after myself - I'm scared of going back there. When you're in that much of a state it's easy to let yourself think that you're a complete failure, at everything. And for someone who is terrified of failure, it just completely destroys you. You let it destroy you.
As a Christian, I know that I have nothing to fear. God has always and will always have His hand on my life. While I've been at therapy I've not just been learning about the psychological aspects of my mental health problems but I have also been learning about the spiritual aspects. I have found an amazing home at York City Church and I consider all of its members to be family to me. They have helped me through this time in my life to an extent that they don't even know. And I am so grateful for them. Especially considering the fact that just a year and a half ago, they didn't even know who I was. God has blessed me so richly this past year. He gave me St Andrew's, where I go for my therapy, knowing that it was perfectly right for me. Because everything He does is perfectly right. Through therapy and church, He has taught me so much about myself and about life. I have never felt so good as I do now. I am filled with joy. And it is all thanks to Him. He has helped me to realise that for so long I was in bondage, to sin and fear. And His hand on my life, His blessings, have helped me to see that I don't need to live like that, ever. Not just to see it but to truly believe it. I do not need to be afraid. I do not need to be ashamed. The funny thing is, I always knew this. I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember. I always knew all of this. But, as one of the therapists at St Andrew's loves to tell me constantly, 'knowing isn't everything'. And, as per usual, he is right. I doubt he meant for that to speak to me on a spiritual level but God works in mysterious, and often rather humorous, ways.
My emotional journey through life and therapy has been completely intertwined with my spiritual journey with God and I have frequently found that themes in my therapy seem to be linked to many of the themes talked about at my church on a Sunday morning. This morning was no exception. I've been thinking a lot about this fear thing; this isn't the first time I've visited this blog post. Recently the theme of my work at St Andrew's has been about relationships. I've had a pretty bad run when it's come to relationships in the past and so talking about relationships is pretty scary for me. So scary that I often get horrible nightmares that feel almost real. I've never really talked about my nightmares before but I know that it's something I'm going to have to do. And soon. The service at church this morning was about 'Extravagant Love' for Jesus. It may not seem like this would have anything to do with fear but it really does. The guy who was preaching talked about things that stop people from loving extravagantly. Fear was one of those things. He addressed it mostly to the men in the room, which I disagreed with actually, because I knew exactly what he was talking about when he described how that fear can affect our lives and our relationships; especially our relationship with God. And that kind of fear can and does affect anyone. Hearing the preacher talk about fear like that, even though I knew it all already, was like a revelation. And it felt like God was just using the man at the front of my church to repeat everything He'd been saying to me through therapy. When that happens it makes me even more certain that I am where God wants me to be because He just keeps driving it all home and backing it up with the Gospel. I got a real sense this morning of things just sliding into place, like the cliched pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. I realised that all of my fears and insecurities about relationships are just preventing me from extravagantly loving God and having the relationship with Him that I am meant to have. It just reminded me that I am where I need to be and that God has His hand over my life and I just need to completely trust Him. But my fear has stopped me from doing that. Over recent months I have come to trust and rely on God more, in the way that I am supposed to. But I still find it a constant battle. I know that God loves me extravagantly. He sent His only son to die, for me! That is how much He loves me. But to love Him in return, in the way that He deserves to be loved, I need to let go of my fear.
And I thought that, with only five weeks left to go at St Andrew's, the work was almost done. What a fool I have been!

Honesty, Fears and Infertility

On Friday September 14^th 2012 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. I had heard of PCOS but didn’t know much about it until I watched a television programme on which there was a woman who suffered from the syndrome. Some of the symptoms sounded similar to symptoms that I had been experiencing for years so I looked up the syndrome online. The symptoms include: irregular or absent periods; excessive hair growth; excessive weight gain or difficulty losing weight; severe acne, not just limited to the face, and cysts on the ovaries. Depression can also be a symptom of PCOS. I went to my GP and described the symptoms to him, asking him if it was possible that I had PCOS. My doctor said it was highly likely that I did have it and so he took some blood to test for it. The first lot of tests were inconclusive but my GP was fairly certain that I had the syndrome and so he referred me to an Endocrinologist; a specialist who deals with hormone disorders including diabetes and PCOS. I saw the Endocrinologist on the 14^th September and he did several tests, as well as a physical examination, before officially diagnosing me with PCOS.

            PCOS is caused mostly by a hormonal imbalance. The ovaries produce more male hormones than they should which affects the production of eggs and leads to the production of lots of little cysts all over the ovaries. PCOS also has an element of insulin resistance. Women who have the syndrome have an excess of insulin which increases the production of the male hormones, causing all of the symptoms. This is also what makes it difficult for women with PCOS to lose weight because their bodies cannot process sugars and starches properly. The increased weight, however, also makes the symptoms worse creating a kind of vicious cycle which is difficult to get out of.

            There are a couple of different treatments for PCOS. The usual treatment is just to take the contraceptive pill, which increases the levels of female hormone thus reducing some of the symptoms, however, this doesn’t always work especially for women with a high insulin resistance factor. A treatment that has become more frequently offered to women with insulin resistance is a drug called Metformin. Metformin is traditionally a Diabetes medication, which is why it helps with the insulin resistance. For women who receive the Metformin treatment, they are also required to dramatically alter their diets in order to help them lose weight and to allow the drug to work more effectively.

            When I saw the Endocrinologist in September he decided that the best treatment for me was the Metformin treatment. Since I saw him, I have been trying to follow the diet advice I was given, have lost some weight and have noticed some improvement in a couple of the symptoms. I saw the Endocrinologist again in December and he seemed pleased enough with the progress I had made, so he said that I wouldn’t need to see him again until next September, a year after I was first diagnosed. The diet is sometimes difficult to manage and I’m hoping to see a dietician at some point to help me get it more under control.

            So far all I’ve written about in this post is factual stuff about Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, but one fact I’ve not directly mentioned, the one that scares me most, is that PCOS can cause infertility. I’ve not written at all about how being diagnosed with PCOS has made me feel. I have always wanted children. I have never wanted anything more than to have children one day; a family of my own. And I have always had this fear, this immense, awful fear, that I won’t be able to. I used to think that I would never have children, just because I never thought that any man would want me enough to marry me and have children with me. But I let myself hope, dream, that maybe actually God would give me a husband. And then I get told that because of my PCOS I might be infertile; might never be able to have children. And that thought is almost destroying me. People keep telling me to try not to worry about it. That I can’t know for certain that I am infertile until I try for a family and get tested. That I’m just catastrophising it in my head; creating a problem that may not exist. But when your life’s hopes and dreams have been almost entirely built on something, to have even the slightest uncertainty that you will get it… it feels like the whole world has been ripped out from under you. I feel like my future has been destroyed and though I’ve been trying not to think like that and to think about other things I could do in my future, but it feels like there is this massive black hole in my life that is never going to close. And I can’t help but think that my life has no purpose, if I’m not able to have children.

            Call me melodramatic. Say I’m over-reacting. But this thing is killing me. And I just needed to tell the truth. To someone. Anyone. Everyone. I’m scared. Terrified. I just want to have children.

rambles about life

it has been a rather long time since i last posted on this blog; in fact it's been around thirteen weeks. life has been rather busy in that time. i never realised just how tiring group therapy could be. i think that now, after seventeen weeks, i am getting used to the frustration and exhaustion that comes with attending therapy three and a half days a week. though it still is extremely exhausting and i have another eight months to go! some days i wonder if i'll survive another eight months of this. actually i wonder that everyday. but some of those days i am reminded of why i put myself through it. it is helping somewhat but it's a lot of hard work and i still struggle with things; especially with being challenged about certain behaviours. this week has been especially difficult and frustrating and i have left every night with a tension headache because it's been such hard work. at the moment i am what is called 'duty member'. 'duty member' is a role in the community that involves supporting other community members if they are in distress outside of therapy spaces or if they leave the therapy space for some reason during a session. as duty member for the last three weeks i have had to be there to support people emotionally but for some reason, this week, it has been especially difficult to fulfil this role.

my faith has been very important in my journey through therapy thus far as it has helped me to understand my issues better and to remain patient through my frustrations. i have been constantly praying through my therapy; praying that i can be patient and support others. i believe that this therapy has been a real blessing from God and i really can see His hand in it, though sometimes i have to remind myself of this and pray for God to keep reminding me of this and i know that i need to keep bringing it back to Him and asking for the strength to deal with everything that comes from it. as well as everything that i am learning through my therapy, i believe that i am learning a lot in my relationship with God. i have just been invited to join a small group at church which i am really excited about and the first small group that i attended this week was a real blessing for me. i also feel that the preaches in church in the last few months have been so transforming and spirit-filled for me and i am just so excited to see what He has in store for me.

today, being the first of november, is the first day of national novel writing month. i attempted this last year but did not complete it as i gave up on my novel part way through. this year i prefer my novel and so really hope that i manage to complete it. i love writing and, though it will be difficult to manage nano with my therapy, i really want to write an actual novel. i will attempt to keep this blog updated on my progress throughout the month, though i won't make any promises.

for now, i should really use my words for my nano instead of blogging. i just really felt a pull to write a blog post kind of updating how things are going in my life. i guess the basic gist of things is that life is frustrating, hard and busy at the moment but i'm actually feeling pretty positive about life at the moment. i guess therapy really is helping.

Week Four in the Mad House

            So I have survived another week in the mad house, making my time there a total of four weeks. Community meeting on Monday morning saw my admission of self-harming the night before and a futile discussion about the person who didn’t turn up on the Thursday before. Community meeting followed by small group which was much the same as always; we sat in a group and talked about things and most of it was dominated by the same person. By lunch little of note had happened.

            After lunch was art therapy, which I have already established as my worst session, but I had decided to try and have a at it. The session always starts with everyone discussing the work from the previous week. People commented on mine and asked me how I felt about it. I said that it had been stubborn and I had been trying to prove a point but that I would, in future, try harder in the art sessions. Somehow, what was supposed to be a positive thing turned into yet another argument and, though I had intended to try not to rise to it and meet aggression with aggression, I admit that I reverted to my old habit of fighting back. I was already angry and upset with myself about the weekend and cutting myself the night before and so, when people started having a go at me, I got upset. At some point the argument abated and we got on with the art bit of the session. I drew a TARDIS. For the most part my reason behind that choice was because I like Doctor Who but the more I thought about it I realised that the TARDIS does have some symbolic meaning; it is bigger on the inside which feels like me because I do have a lot to give but it’s all on the inside and I don’t always show it on the outside. Also, the chameleon filter on the TARDIS is broken, which means it is always stuck as a police telephone box, and sometimes it feels like I am permanently stuck as this fat, pathetic, depressed person but I don’t want to be.

            After the time for doing art was up we had to sit and discuss what we had done. Unfortunately this discussion just resulted in further arguments because it appears that some community members think that there is a divide between the two small groups. One person in particular went as far as to say that they thought that some of the members in the small group that I’m in seem to get more attention because they cry or get aggressive or storm out. This upset a few people and when it was nearly time for the session to end, though the therapist hadn’t actually called time, the person who had said that some people were just attention seeking walked out. Half a minute later the therapist called time and the rest of the community left the room but by that time the person who had stormed out had already gone home. I left to go home feeling absolutely rubbish because I felt like all the arguments had been my fault and that everyone thought I was just an attention seeker. I know that isn’t completely true and that it was just my paranoia making me think that but I do often think that I am just an attention seeker and I felt really persecuted by the guy.

            On the Tuesday morning I really didn’t want to go back to the mad house. I felt paranoid and anxious and didn’t want to be around people, but I made myself go and face everyone. The guy who had stormed out of art the day before, however, did not turn up which only served to make me feel even worse. In the community meeting I apologised to the rest of the community for my behaviour in art but I had really wanted to apologise to the guy who had stormed out, so I was annoyed that he hadn’t turned up and I thought that he was just being childish. Large group therapy was difficult. The general atmosphere was so tense and, although no arguments broke out, it was a horrible place to be and was really anxiety-provoking. Everyone was really glad to get out of the room when time was called and when it came to TBC I was pleased that it was housekeeping because it meant that I could do something active rather than just sitting around talking.

            That afternoon was awareness which just makes me think of PSHE in school or something. The session started, as usual, with a couple of warm-up games then it was decided that the main topic would be a role-play around the theme of assertiveness, especially when dealing with receptionists at doctors’ surgeries. We had already done something about assertiveness recently but I didn’t complain because it meant that I could just sit back and watch and it was far removed from the frustrations and the conflicts of the day before. Awareness went rather quickly and again I was glad to get away at the end of the day and go home.

            On Wednesday morning I didn’t want to go in again, but again I made myself. The guy who walked out on Monday afternoon was back but community meeting did little to deal with the fact that he had walked out and then not even come in on the Tuesday. He said that he wanted to leave the programme completely and that he had only come in to talk about leaving because people had asked him to. This made me feel even worse and my brain kept telling me that it was all my fault – I really need to sort out this paranoia because it’s driving me insane. I had wanted to bring it in to small group but struggled to find an appropriate gap in the flow of the conversation. Again I got frustrated because one person just seemed to dominate the entire session – like always – and another person just sulked and said he wanted the group to vote him out because he didn’t want to be there anymore, which I just thought was him being childish and wanting to know that people cared and wanted him to be there. To be honest I’m getting rather sick of middle-aged men having temper tantrums – they’re just acting like two-year-olds.

            After lunch was working party. I had thought that we had reached some kind of conclusion on the subject we had been discussing the week before but apparently other people thought otherwise. The conversation started to turn into another argument and I was getting extremely frustrated with people just talking over each other. By the end of it I just wanted to leave the mad house and never go back. I probably sound like such a drama queen but I am getting really pissed off with the place and sometimes I just can’t take all the stress and the arguing. After working party it was PAG which actually went quite well because there was a potential new member there so the session was pretty much spent doing her assessment so I didn’t have to do or say anything. After group was also pretty uneventful. Everyone was tired and just wanted to leave so when time was called everyone was glad to get out of there – especially me.

            On Thursday morning after community meeting it was reviews. That day was the review of the guy who had walked out of art on the Monday. People had managed to persuade him to stay for his review and I was actually glad that he was there because, though he had acted childishly, so had I and I wanted to apologise to him for shouting at him on Monday. By the end of the reviews I felt a little better because I had been able to apologise and the guy had come up to me and said thanks for doing so. Check-out and lunch were good and, before I knew it, it was the end of my fourth week in the mad house.

            I am planning on going in tomorrow, so I should probably go and get some sleep now. But before I do; a couple of prayer requests. Prayers for the week ahead would be greatly appreciated and please pray about my current struggles with paranoia; it’s really bothering me. Also, please pray that I don’t get so frustrated and annoyed with people so quickly and that I can learn to manage those feelings better. Last week was a real lesson for me in patience and in not fighting back when people push me – I still have to work on those things – but I am getting there slowly and maybe, with the help of the therapy programme, I’ll start to get better.

Thanks and God bless

KV

Week Three in the Mad House

This post is rather late; I wrote it last Friday but I’ve been really busy and tired and just haven’t had chance to post it until now.

            So the other day I wrote about art therapy last Monday afternoon in my post ‘An Exercise in Pointlessness’. In writing that post, and throughout the rest of the week, I realised that I had just been incredibly stubborn and even childish. I have my reasons for disliking art therapy, but sometimes we have to do things we don’t like. And also, looking back on the event now and being hit by just how stubborn and provocative I’d been (hindsight is always 20:20) I learnt that a large part of my response came from the fact that people challenged me, and when pushed, I push back. I’m not making excuses it’s just that I had never really noticed this before, because I never really took the time to acknowledge and examine these things. I can’t say that this discovery is a surprise, or a shock, as such, because it makes a lot of sense; it has just taken a long time to clear away the fog of so many (mostly irrational) thoughts in order to see things clearly. I have now decided to try art, and try to get something out of it, and to use the space on Monday afternoon to explore why I react in this way to things I don’t like. I have a feeling it’s going to be a struggle, because my initial reaction is to fight it.

            On Tuesday the sharing out of jobs in community group led to conflict when some of the community members didn’t want to put themselves forward for jobs. Other members challenged people about their aversions to jobs but somehow the discussion ended in rather heated arguments. This seemed to set the tone for the rest of the day. Large group therapy just seemed to be an extension of the same argument that occurred in community meeting, with the same people repeating the same tired arguments and then not listening to one another. The session felt somewhat wasted and there was a lot of stress and tension within the community.

            Things came to a head in the ‘To be Confirmed’ (TBC) session right before lunch. TBC is a difficult session as the structure is different from the rest of the time there. The last two weeks, as people were leaving, there were exhibitions of their art from the whole year, held during TBC. This week, however, the slot was a designated ‘creative’ session – though I’m not quite sure what that entails. At the beginning of the session, it was pointed out that the session should actually have been set for someone to demonstrate a skill to the group – an exercise in public speaking – but the person whose turn it was supposed to be had altered the schedule in order to put it off for their own personal reasons – which I cannot share due to confidentiality issues. This led into more discussion about jobs and people not taking responsibility for their actions. I know that I have been guilty of this myself and so felt that the reaction of some of the other community members was rather extreme.

            More arguments ensued and it got rather heated. I don’t much like conflict – though it may sometimes appear otherwise – and so got extremely anxious and had a panic attack. Before now I would have left the room when the panic attack came on, if not before, but I forced myself to stay in my seat, despite the intense urge to just run away. For all the argument about of structure, the structure for the session went completely out of the window, and anarchy and chaos presided. This only added to my distress and anxiety, as I need structure and routine. The arguments just kept going around in circles, with several people really getting on my nerves – this is why I don’t like people. Finally time was called and I rushed out of the room wanting air (it had been so stuffy in the therapy room) and to go home. I didn’t leave but I was still very upset and mistakenly started discussing what had happened, with another community member, in the social space. As this is breaking a ground rule I was advised to stop talking about it and bring it in to a therapy session; which I intend to do properly next week.

            Awareness that afternoon was not as bad as the morning. The main theme was body language and there was some discussion on the topic and a little role play. I was exhausted from the morning so the calmer atmosphere was greatly appreciated. When awareness was over I could go home. I was completely drained but had an appointment with my doctor that evening and so couldn’t just go home and rest. The appointment went well and talking about how the therapy was going actually helped me to put my feelings about it in perspective after such a stressful day. It seems that thus far my general feelings about it are positive.

            Wednesday morning in community meeting, unfortunately the arguments started all over again. I tried to stay calm and rational but failed miserably and when it came to small group therapy, and the conflict still continued, I started to have another panic attack. Again I did actually manage to stay seated. It was difficult, but I am grateful to one person in particular who tried to diffuse the situation. Towards the end of the session a kind of vague resolution was made, but I still felt very anxious and stressed.

            I had been selected to take part in Working Party, which takes place on Wednesday afternoons, immediately after lunch. Working Party consists of six community members and two therapists who discuss practical issues that affect the community. I didn’t particularly want to do it because I am not good at taking responsibility, but in the community that’s a reason to do it; I just feel it’s a bit soon - this week was only my third week. Despite my reservations it went quite well. We only discussed one point and at times it felt repetitive and I got frustrated with people talking over one another but by the end of the meeting it felt like we had actually achieved something, though it seemed a small thing.

            PAG followed Working Party, and again it went well. There was one person new to PAG and two people who were nearing the end of their assessment (as well as some other community members and two therapists). The two who were near the end of their assessment completed it in the session and were invited to start full time from Monday; so on Monday we will have two new members, making our numbers up to fourteen (not including the therapists).

            After PAG the whole community joined back together for After Group to discuss how both the previous sessions, and the day generally, had gone. By this time I was exhausted and really did not need more conflict. For the most part it went smoothly but were a couple of times when people got agitated and even aggressive. I think it’s fair to say that Tuesday and Wednesday were not great days; everyone was frustrated, annoyed and upset and people just weren’t listening to each other. It strikes me that, unless people actually listen to what other community members say, group therapy won’t work and the community will just fall apart.

            On Thursday, as I have previously explained, we are only in for the morning. We had boundaries and reviews, and then came to check-out. In check-out I explained that I was going to Brighton at the weekend for a wedding. I was really anxious about the journey and it was really stressful and anxiety-provoking, but I made it all the way to Brighton. I was also really anxious about the weekend as a whole. It was the first time I was going to be in Brighton since I left last summer and so I hadn’t seen anyone for over a year. I also hadn’t been away from home alone in all that time, let alone as far as Brighton. Then there was the anxiety over seeing people. I love my friends from Brighton and still keep in touch with some of them but, having been away so long, I have missed things. I also feel that I have changed a lot in the course of the year and so I worried that they wouldn’t have still liked me. I know that it was just my paranoia and anxiety that made me feel that way but I was really scared. Finally, I had been having a fat week, so I didn’t particularly feel like getting all dressed up for a wedding, even though I really wanted to be there. So (back to the point of this particular post) after I had explained this to the group, I went on to say that I had found the week very stressful and anxiety-provoking. After I had finished speaking, one of the therapists said that I “have a strong voice”. At the time I just responded with “I don’t feel it sometimes” but since, I have been wondering what exactly he meant by that comment, because I am not exactly sure. I think I might have to ask him for clarification because my paranoia is still doing over-time.

            The morning actually passed without conflict. One person was away but, though I wonder about it, I know that it wasn’t the whole reason behind the change in atmosphere from the Wednesday to the Thursday. That lunchtime we had a birthday lunch for a community member. I baked brownies for it and they seemed to go down well so that made me feel a little better about myself. That afternoon, I met my best friend in town, which seems to be becoming a weekly ritual, and ranted at her about the stresses and anxieties of the week. I am so blessed to have that woman in my life and I feel sorry for her having to listen to me complain all the time. However much I complain though, I have come to realise that I am blessed to have the opportunity to be part of the therapy programme. It may be frustrating at times, and very hard work, but I have already seen and felt some benefit. Please pray that it keeps working and I keep seeing the benefits.

Thanks and God bless

KV

Week Two in the Mad House

            So I did actually go back to the group therapy thing this week. It was a difficult decision to make myself return because I really didn’t want to. But I forced myself to persevere. I realised that not to go back would only serve to spite myself. Last week, when those two community members walked out, I became upset because of my own history of storming out of therapy. I realised that if I were to not return, especially after so short a period of time, I would just be doing what I always do when I don’t like something or it becomes too difficult – running away. And if I really want to recover, I have to overcome my fears and my constant urge to run away from them.

            So as I said, I went back. Monday morning was rather uneventful but art therapy that afternoon was a struggle. I have issues with art. I am not artistic person and sometimes I just don’t get it, but my biggest problem is what is counted as ‘art’ and what is not. I work in words. I love words and I see them as art but, in the art therapy sessions, we are expected to produce an image of some kind; a drawing, a painting or even a sculpture. But not words. Or at least not just words. Both of my pieces of work that I have done in the art therapy sessions so far have been composed of just words. My first piece was just a page full of random quotes that popped into my head – I didn’t give a great deal of thought to it, I just can’t do art. But my second piece was more considered. I spent what felt like an eternity staring blankly at all of the art supplies trying to think of something to draw or paint. It was too stressful though, so I just ended up grabbing a piece of paper and a pencil and wrote a great long rant about ‘art’ and what it really is; what really constitutes ‘art’.

            Obviously people have already noticed my aversion to art and the fact that my two pieces of work thus far have been pieces of writing, and there has been discussion about it over the course of the week. On Tuesday, because another member of the community was leaving this week, there was a review of his artwork from his year on the programme. I looked at his art with everyone else but I felt a little awkward doing so as the art from the programme is a very intimate, personal thing and I had only known the guy a short while. At the review, two of the therapists asked me what I felt about the artwork and if any piece in particular affected me. Whilst talking to one of these two therapists about art and my difficulties with it, he said he found it interesting that I do not much like art because people are usually very visual. He also asked about my preoccupation with words and writing, and he made me think about why I love words so much and why I don’t like art very much. It was a difficult conversation and I still haven’t quite worked out the answers to the questions it raised.

            On Tuesday afternoon we had a session called awareness. It’s difficult to explain exactly what ‘awareness’ is about. This week we did something known as ‘empty chair’. ‘Empty chair’ is an exercise in direct communication. People took turns to sit in front of other members of the community and say something to them directly, without receiving a response, about something that has been bothering them. The subjects of the direct communications were not always grievances, but the point of the exercise was to help people with issues regarding talking to people directly, especially about difficult subjects. It also helps people listen to and accept confrontation without responding directly and immediately. I felt very uncomfortable during the session as I really struggle with confrontation. I also have problems with paranoia and rejection which mean I worry about what people think of me. This made me really anxious during the ‘empty chair’ exercise as I was terrified of the thought that someone would say something horrible to me and that they didn’t like me. No one did say anything horrible to me. In fact, the one person who did say anything to me, was very kind and said that I had done very well in the therapy so far and that I fit into the group easily. I was very grateful for what she said and she had been really encouraging. I’m still terrified that someone will say that they hate me, and I hate the thought of having to do the ‘empty chair’ exercise again, but I guess that therapy is about dealing with difficult things and the things we don’t like and are scared of.

            Wednesday mornings we have small group therapy which is when the community splits into two groups and then sit around and discuss issues within each group. In my group the discussion got around to the topic of relationships which is a difficult subject for many people, including me. During the discussion, a few people mentioned that they had put on weight almost in attempts to make themselves unattractive to people because they couldn’t deal with relationships or even attention from prospective partners. This raised an issue for me. I decided a few years ago that I no longer wanted to engage in casual relationships as I want to wait for my husband, which is very important to me, especially given my faith. I have also since realised that God wants me to remain single in order to concentrate on my recovery, and to truly find my identity in Him before growing into an identity in a relationship with someone. Around the same time as I made the decision to be single, I started to put on a lot of weight. I had believed that my weight-gain was due to the fact that I have always had problems with my weight and it has always fluctuated, a lot. I had never thought that perhaps my weight-gain was related to my decision to enter singleness but, during the discussion in small group therapy, I began to wonder if perhaps the two were actually linked. I’m still not certain of a connection, but it has made me wonder and start to examine more closely the reasons behind my current weight problem, and even my persistent issues with my weight.

            Thursday mornings consist of reviews in which two community members talk about their therapy and their goals, and receive feedback from the rest of the community and the therapists. The reviews occur for each community member once every six to eight weeks, so I will not have my first one for another few weeks yet (the thought of which terrifies me). Obviously, due to confidentiality issues, I cannot write about what is said in the reviews of other community members. After the reviews, there is check-out which involves each community member talking about how the week was for them and what they would be doing over the weekend. When it was my turn to talk about my plans for the weekend, someone suggested that I take some time to plan what I would do in art therapy the next Monday, as it had been noticed that my last two pieces had been writing. This brought laughs, especially from the therapist who had been asking me about my aversion to art on the Tuesday. I admit I pulled a face, partly because I had been caught out and partly because I really don’t like art.

            This week has brought up a lot of issues for me which I told the community I would bring into the group next week – including my dislike of art. Another issue that arose this week came from the discussion on Wednesday about relationships. I had mentioned God when talking about my decisions with regards to relationships and had explained that my faith had a lot of bearing upon my relationship choices. Everyone in the community is aware of my faith but the talk of it, especially with regards to relationships, brought up issues within the group especially for a couple of the community members who are gay. I think that these issues need exploring further and not just for the benefit of those with objections to my faith, but also because I took issue with some of the things that were said in response to my beliefs.

            I guess this suggests that I will be returning next week. I still have the same doubts about this therapy as I did before, and I still want to just run away and not go back, but I know that I need to persevere. I am already feeling some benefit from the programme, and I know that any further benefit will take time and hard work, so I will go back. And I will continue to do so for as long as it is right for me to do so. I know that this is what God wants for me and so I need to trust in that and in Him; which is a rather difficult thing for me to do.

            Prayer for the therapy and for the things it raises would be greatly appreciated and I will update again next week.

Thanks and God bless

KV

Week One in the Mad House

            Things have been moving rather quickly recently with regards to the Intensive Group Therapy Programme (IGTP) that I was referred to. When I last posted about it, just over a week ago, I was attending the Progress and Assessment Group (PAG) once a week, on a Wednesday afternoon. Since then I have actually joined the programme full-time and have completed my first week in the community.

            Before I started I was really nervous and anxious. I’ve never done group therapy before as the thought has always terrified me, and so when I arrived first thing on Monday morning I just wanted to turn around and run in the other direction. Despite feeling scared and sick, I made myself go in. I was met by two community members who I had met at PAG on Wednesday afternoons. They gave me a quick tour of the building and then explained a little about the structure of the programme and the day-to-day activities.

            Throughout the day I attended various therapy groups (including art therapy) and met most of the other members of the community. The first day was not difficult in terms of what was talked about in the therapy sessions but by the end of the day I was absolutely knackered. I had rather worn myself out with anxiety, and just doing so much in one day really sapped my energy. At the end of the day I went home and just ended up falling asleep as I was so tired.

            The following day was harder. I really struggled with the therapy groups and in the last session of the day, a community member walked out, which actually really affected me. I’ve had lots of therapy in the past, but every time I have just walked out and not gone back. Now I’m really trying to make a go of recovery but I still find it hard to fight my usual response of running away. The fact that someone else had walked out made me really anxious, especially because it disrupted the group and the structure of the rest of the session. The person who walked out did actually return after only a few minutes, which surprised me in a way, because, as I said, I usually left and never returned. It was really brave of them to come back; I know I would have been terrified of going back. It would be fair to say that the second day was interesting and again, I was absolutely worn out by the end of the day.

            By Wednesday I was already tired out with the therapy and being out of the house for two days running. I managed to make myself go to the group but I felt like crap and was rather spaced out. Within the first hour and a half another community member had walked out; the second in as many days. Like on the Tuesday, this made me very upset and anxious and the rest of the day was completely disrupted. We were in and out of Emergency General Meetings (EGMs) all day discussing how people felt and what we should do about the walk-out. The rest of the day passed in a blur of meetings and chamomile and spiced apple tea. I was tired and felt really zoned out and disillusioned with the programme. I left feeling like crap still, but with the added bonus of a pounding headache. Unfortunately I couldn’t even go home and just sleep as I was supposed to be going out for dinner with the family for my brother’s birthday. When I did finally get to bed I fell asleep almost immediately; I was just wiped out.

            On the Thursday morning I really did not want to go back but I forced myself to. I was only there in the morning (as Thursday is a half day) and was looking forward to meeting a friend for coffee in town afterwards. The morning was difficult for a lot of reasons and I was so glad when I could leave. Thursday was actually the last day for one of the community members. It was strange having my first week there, knowing that it was someone else’s final week. It was also encouraging in a way; to know that it can happen, that you can come out the other side. Also, the person who left was very kind and supportive and said that they really wished me all the best with the programme.

            I left on Thursday afternoon knackered and glad to have the rest of the week off. I had a cup of tea and a catch-up with my best friend that afternoon and ranted at her about how the week had gone on the programme; she’s always good for a rant. And I did feel a little better after talking to her, though I was still exhausted and went home and fell asleep.

            I haven’t completely decided to go in next week. I had been planning to. I do really want to recover but I am having doubts. I guess everyone does. I’m going to try and make myself go. But part of me is fighting; wanting to run away. Again. I had to force myself not to run out of the building so many times over the course of the week.

            I’ll update at some point about whether I do decide to go back or not, and how it goes if I do. Prayers would be much appreciated for this as I really want to keep God’s plans for me in this in my sight, in my mind and on my heart.

Thanks and God bless

KV

Running

            So today is the ‘Race for Life’. The ‘Race for Life’, as I’m sure you’re aware, is a five kilometre run to raise money for Cancer Research UK. It started as a run just for women, to raise awareness for breast cancer. The run is still only open to women but doesn’t just focus on breast cancer; it raises money and awareness for research into all kinds of cancer.

I signed up twelve weeks ago and those twelve weeks have flown by; I don’t know what happened to them. I decided to sign up for several reasons. I suppose firstly for my Grandad (my mum’s dad) and my Grandma (my dad’s mum) both of whom died of cancer, and so I am running in memory of them. Secondly, Cancer Research UK is an amazing charity that does so much good for people suffering from cancer and their families. Their work literally saves lives, as research and medical advances mean that more people survive cancer now than ever before. I praise God for those involved in the hard work that goes into saving the lives of so many; they are such an amazing blessing, so I want to raise as much money as I can for the cause.

My other reasons are personal. Due to my mental health problems I have gained a lot of weight in the last few years and have done little exercise. As well as, and partly because of, this I have very little confidence and a very low self-esteem. I am trying to lose weight in order to be healthy but, due to my history of eating disorders, this is proving to be very difficult for me, emotionally and physically. I took up running to try and get some exercise and to lose some weight. I also hoped that it would help with my confidence and self-esteem issues, which it has slightly – one step at a time (pun unintended). It has also been shown that exercise can improve mood and help with mental health conditions such as depression. I do believe that it has helped a little in this respect and has also helped a little with my anxiety problems as it has made me go out and do something where people can see me – which is a huge deal for me.

Obviously the real test will be tonight at the actual event where there will be hundreds of people around me. I am feeling extremely anxious about this but I really don’t want to waste all of my hard work and let down all of the people who have sponsored me. I am really praying that it all goes well and that I don’t bottle it, and I would be extremely grateful for the prayers of anyone who may be reading this. If you know me well, you will understand what a big thing this run is for me. I have been rather directionless for the last year and so having something to aim for and actually working hard for it and seeing it through is a big step forward in my recovery. It has given me motivation to get up and do something productive, and I am really hoping that things will all start to go up from here.

Before I finish this post, I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has given me their support, their prayers and those who have sponsored me. I have raised £165 so far and it’s still not too late to donate, so I am hoping to raise even more. For more information about the ‘Race for Life’ visit: www.raceforlife.org. And if you would like to sponsor me please go to: www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/kirstennott or contact me and let me know how much you would like to give. Thank you for taking the time to read this and for all of your support in this venture.

God bless

KV 

Stationary or Stationery

So as I fleetingly mentioned in my post ‘Fresh Start’ it has taken over nine months to get where I am today with regards to treatment for my depression and anxiety. Where I am now, is starting a process of assessment before undertaking a year of intensive therapy which will involve three and a half days a week of different group therapies. Where I was nine months ago, was waiting for a referral to the York Primary Mental Health Team. The last nine months have involved numerous journeys to different places for assessments and odd counselling appointments and a great deal of frustration. For all of that time I felt like I was just waiting around for other people to make decisions about my life. I felt like my entire life was on pause; like I was just at a complete standstill. Motionless.

            As I’m still in the ‘assessment phase’ for this therapeutic community things aren’t exactly speeding along, but compared to the snail’s pace of the last year it feels very sudden and very fast. I had been led to believe that there would be up to an eight month wait to even begin the ‘assessment phase’ and so when I discovered, just a couple of weeks ago, that I would be starting it so soon I began to wonder if I was ready. I’ve prayed a lot about this in the last few weeks and from the fact that I have actually started the assessment now, you can probably guess the outcome of those prayers. I know that God has been preparing me for this and that He has blessed me by bringing me to this place. I know that by trusting in Him, even when faced with the prospect of another eight months of waiting, I have grown in strength through Him. I am still anxious about things; it would be weird if I wasn’t. But I want this and I am not going to throw away such an amazing chance at recovery.

            Plans for University and leaving home to live independently may still be on stand-by for the next year or so but that doesn’t mean that my life has completely ground to a halt. In fact I have been given a chance to really live life, away from the ties that bind most people my age, like University or work. I continue to pray for the patience to follow the path God has laid down for me and to live through another year of waiting to get back to ‘normalcy’. I may have to delay some things but life continues and should be eagerly anticipating the things to come.

            As well as the group therapy, I am undertaking a kind of therapy of my own. I have always found writing to be rather cathartic. I love the ways in which I can express myself through words. And recently I have found myself rather excited about an idea I have for a novel. I won’t share my idea here, and have many reasons for not doing so. One of which is that it is still very much in the planning stage. I have the bare bones of the novel but they aren’t even connected in the right places and nowhere near being covered in flesh. This is the point at which planning comes in. The planning is vital – something I discovered when attempting to do National Novel Writing Month last year. I am now stupidly and unbelievably excited just about planning this novel. And it seems that my excitement is running away from me somewhat.

            This over-flowing excitement has somehow evolved into an excited desire to purchase lots of stationery. This obscure evolution has come about through my realisation that the planning for my novel is lacking any semblance of organisation or even sense. What began as excitement for planning my novel, soon turned into an intense excitement over the planning and organising of said planning – you can see how it got away from me slightly. Obviously this level of organisation requires much stationery; hence the monumental leap from novel planning to stationery.

            Now it has occurred to me that this post has also gotten away from me somewhat. My initial aim had been to talk about how my life had gone from stationary to stationery, in the sense that I am no longer feeling at a standstill but am rather attempting to do things with my life. It would appear that blog posts, much like novels, require planning. I did mention that this blog was going to be real; with thoughts streaming from my brain to my fingertips and onto the screen in front of me. Well this is what I think: I am not stationary.

If you managed to make any sense of this post, congratulations.

God bless

KV