I've always loved to read; it's my safe place. Somewhere I can just escape to, through the pages of a book. It is the very reason I study literature. But, even though I get to read all the time whilst studying, and I really love what I do, I miss simply reading for pleasure. I miss getting to pick up a new book, a book I have chosen to read, and going wherever my mood takes me. I've received a lot of encouragement recently to take more time out; to try not to stress about work too much, and to spend time for myself. So, in my time off, I've been taking time to read more, for pleasure. I was also challenged recently by a good friend who had been praying for me, especially about my Uni work, to spend more time with God. Even more time than I think I can spend, just reading and praying and being with God. I really felt this challenge. All last term I struggled to make it to small group due to my University timetable. I struggled to make it to church due to my lack of motivation. And I struggled to consistently spend time with God because I had so much work to do. Recently, my head has been a bit of a mess. There are a few reasons for this. The stress I put myself under with regards to Uni work does not help. But my lack of time with God is the greatest issue. I am going to be scarily honest here and admit that I have not actually sat down and read my Bible in quite a while. Nor have I even read any Christian books. And this scares me. The Bible should be the one book I read consistently and continually. It is the first book I should turn to when I need to rest. The first book I should turn to when I am struggling. And the first book I should turn to when I sit down to begin my work. But not only is it the first book I should turn to, it is also the last book. When the day is over; when my struggles have been overcome; when that essay has finally been submitted only ten minutes before the deadline. Then, also, I should turn to the Bible and thank God for the blessings He has poured out on my life; for fighting my battles for me; for helping me get that essay done and submitted in time.
I once heard someone say, during a preach, that he spent an hour everyday with God, except when he was busy. Then he spent two hours with God. My friend was right when she challenged me to spend more time than I think I can with God, especially when I am so busy with work. Because it is in the times when we are busy, or struggling, or stressed, or just consumed by work that we need God most. Sure, He is our rest and we should make sure to rest in Him often. But He is also our strength and so we need to rely on Him when we are tired and stressed and working too hard.
I've never been very good at relying on other people. Years of hurt and abuse and betrayal taught me not to trust anyone and I'm very independent and self-reliant, so I still find it extremely difficult to trust or rely on anyone, including God. I know that I need to learn to rely on God more and that to do that I need to read the Bible and pray more. Spending time with God - finding strength in Him, resting in Him - isn't just about reading the Bible, it's praying; being in conversation with God. My friend's challenge to me to spend more time with God wasn't just about reading my Bible more, though of course that's part of it, but it was about praying more and learning to rely on God, especially in hard times.
Learning to rely on God means learning to love God. I am not exactly a faithful person. I don't so much 'believe in' God as simply cannot deny His existence. For me, I know that God exists, I've always known that He exists, I can't even try to deny this. But that doesn't mean that I've always loved Him. In fact, I've always struggled to love Him and for a long time I was very angry with Him. Still am sometimes. It has taken a long time for me to even begin to learn to rely on God. I'm not there yet. And I'm not quite there yet when it comes to loving Him either. But I am getting there. Slowly. I don't think He blames me though, I have a lot of issues to work on here.
It is because God loves us that we are able to love Him and through loving Him, we can learn to love others and are instructed to do so. Sometimes I feel like I'm not a very loving person. I try. But I really struggle to even be around people sometimes, let alone to love them. It's something I constantly battle with. Not being able to trust people makes loving them rather difficult. It is the people I have loved who have hurt me most. Perhaps I have not loved very wisely in the past and so have hardened my heart. The Bible tells us to guard our hearts and perhaps I have guarded mine a little too fiercely, but I think I am beginning to feel again. It's terrifying. And I've still got a long way to go. But I am learning to spend time with God; to trust in Him and rely on Him, and to love Him.
***
I had initially finished the post there but I wanted to share one extra thing:
My biggest fear in posting this is that people are going to think that I'm going through a period of doubt or that I'm in a really bad place either spiritually or mentally But I'm not. I'm just being honest. And, honestly, I've been in much worse places than this. And I got out of them. My head actually feels clearer than it has done in a long time. I will be fine. I always am. And right now, that's good enough for me.
Showing posts with label truth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label truth. Show all posts
Sunday, 19 January 2014
Wednesday, 7 August 2013
Fairy tales...
"Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." G.K.Chesterton
Once again, this is a post that has been a long time in the imagining. I wrote a post, not that long ago, about the recent increase in the amount of fantasy fiction in our bookshops and on our reading lists. It was called Happily Ever Afters and its basic premise was, that the reason for the increase in the amount of fantasy fiction at the moment is a response to people's desires to escape their own dreary existences into the imaginary worlds conjured by our favourite authors. I've always loved reading fantasy fiction, for this very reason. In fact, this is most of the reason for my love of reading in general. It's probably the reason that a lot of people like to read. We always prefer the image or the illusion to what is real. One of the therapists at St Andrew's told me about this cartoon (I tried to find the image but couldn't - Google has failed me). In the cartoon there were two escalators. On one escalator there are several men and they are all looking to the side at these posters on the wall. It's the same poster repeated the whole way up the wall and it shows an image of a pretty, semi-clad woman, advertising something. On the other escalator, in the opposite direction from that in which the men are all looking, is a beautiful, real live woman - completely naked. But the men don't notice because they are all too busy looking at the image. After the one therapist told me about this cartoon, another therapist said to me - in a rather exasperated tone - "It's not real!" Well that was the point. This all came out of a conversation that a few people, myself included, were having about 'lists' for our ideal partners and fictional characters that we found attractive. I remember studying existence as a precept in Philosophy once; the idea that a thing is made better by its existence and that, it can only be the greatest thing if it actually exists because the greatest thing that can be imagined isn't the greatest thing because it could be made better by being in existence. The point is, something that is real, is always better than something that is imagined, because it is real. But this is confusing logic, so is it any wonder that people seem to prefer the ideal over the real?
This is why we like fairy tales and novels that follow the fairy tale format. The idealism of fairy tales, and of a lot of fiction, is what makes it so very appealing to the human nature. From my perspective, I see five main precepts of the fairy tale format:
Once again, this is a post that has been a long time in the imagining. I wrote a post, not that long ago, about the recent increase in the amount of fantasy fiction in our bookshops and on our reading lists. It was called Happily Ever Afters and its basic premise was, that the reason for the increase in the amount of fantasy fiction at the moment is a response to people's desires to escape their own dreary existences into the imaginary worlds conjured by our favourite authors. I've always loved reading fantasy fiction, for this very reason. In fact, this is most of the reason for my love of reading in general. It's probably the reason that a lot of people like to read. We always prefer the image or the illusion to what is real. One of the therapists at St Andrew's told me about this cartoon (I tried to find the image but couldn't - Google has failed me). In the cartoon there were two escalators. On one escalator there are several men and they are all looking to the side at these posters on the wall. It's the same poster repeated the whole way up the wall and it shows an image of a pretty, semi-clad woman, advertising something. On the other escalator, in the opposite direction from that in which the men are all looking, is a beautiful, real live woman - completely naked. But the men don't notice because they are all too busy looking at the image. After the one therapist told me about this cartoon, another therapist said to me - in a rather exasperated tone - "It's not real!" Well that was the point. This all came out of a conversation that a few people, myself included, were having about 'lists' for our ideal partners and fictional characters that we found attractive. I remember studying existence as a precept in Philosophy once; the idea that a thing is made better by its existence and that, it can only be the greatest thing if it actually exists because the greatest thing that can be imagined isn't the greatest thing because it could be made better by being in existence. The point is, something that is real, is always better than something that is imagined, because it is real. But this is confusing logic, so is it any wonder that people seem to prefer the ideal over the real?
This is why we like fairy tales and novels that follow the fairy tale format. The idealism of fairy tales, and of a lot of fiction, is what makes it so very appealing to the human nature. From my perspective, I see five main precepts of the fairy tale format:
- People are either completely good or completely evil - the hero(ine) is always a paradigm of good
- Our foes - dragons - can be beaten
- Good vs. evil - good always wins in the end
- The girl always gets her Prince
- They all live happily ever after
These all seem rather idealistic. For a start, no body is either completely good or completely evil. People don't actually work that way. We all have good points and bad points and a lot of these, if not all of them, are based on external perspective. What one person sees as a good personality trait, another might find incredibly annoying. As for the hero/heroine being a paradigm of good; well we've already established that no body is completely good, even the hero. In terms of mental health, being considered as having a 'hero' or 'saviour' complex, is a bad thing. We can't know how much of the trouble faced by the 'damsel in distress' is real, and how much is simply perceived. Also, in extreme cases, the 'hero' will cause/inflict suffering in order to then be the one to remove that suffering and 'save' the 'damsel'. As a Christian though, I feel the need to point out - that I believe - that, though no human is capable of being a paradigm of good, Jesus is completely good and He is our Saviour. So perhaps this aspect of the fairy tale format can be seen a being symbolic of a greater truth; that of Jesus Christ as the Messiah.
The second of these precepts seems more realistic. The quote, from Gilbert Keith Chesterton, at the start of this post talks about how fairy tales, though fantastical and not containing real life possibilities, do hold some universal truths. Chesterton says that, "Fairy tales... tell us that dragons can be beaten." Dragons may be mythical creatures but, in fairy tales, they could be seen as symbolic of real life foes or adversaries or even obstacles. In fairy tales, the dragon always gets in the way of the hero, and it is the job of the hero to overcome this obstacle in order to reach the prize - usually a princess who has been locked away in a tower somewhere. Just as the idea of a hero, who is a paradigm of good, could be a symbol of a greater truth; so could the idea of dragons. In life we all face obstacles and challenges and adversaries. And we know that it is possible to defeat these. It is the basis of every motivational speech ever written. The dragon may not be real, but the thing that it symbolises is and the truth displayed in fairy tales - that dragons can be beaten - is also very real. From a Christian point of view, again, this is a truth also displayed in the Bible. (I am not suggesting that the Bible is a fairy tale, though some of you may wish to believe that it is.) I believe that the Bible is the truth and the Bible tells us of how our adversaries can be defeated and how we get the strength to beat them from God - as long as it is God's Will.
The third on that list is that, in fairy tales there is always a battle - be it an actual physical battle or a, more subtle, battle of wills - between good and evil and that good always triumphs over evil. This again might seem unrealistic. We see wars going on in the world today where evil is winning. Battles in court where justice isn't done and a guilty party - the villain - walks free. Battles in our own lives where the part of us telling us to do the harmful, dangerous thing wins out over the part that is telling us not to. I am all too familiar with that last one. It often feels like, actually, evil is winning and there is nothing we can do about it. I have felt like that on countless occasions; for long periods of time. In this aspect, fairy tales are idealistic. They promise that good will always win and at times, in real life, this seems impossible. But fairy tales don't simply tell us that good always wins, they tell us that good always wins in the end. It's about the bigger picture. In fairy tales, the heroes face obstacles and adversity, and it may not always appear like they will win and they don't always win easily. And there's usually a twist, where the hero loses, before the final battle and the hero saves the day and good has triumphed over evil. Life is full of small battles, battles that aren't always won. But in the bigger picture good does win, in the end. At least this is what I believe. (I realise that there has been a lot of Christian reading in this but please bear with me.) God has won. By sending us His only Son to die on the cross for our sins, He won the battle against evil. Christ defeated death and is alive.
Number four. The girl always gets her Prince. Well this isn't realistic. Some people do remain single for their entire lives. Some people marry and then discover that they've married the wrong person. The divorce rate in the U.K. alone has increased massively and was at 42% in 2011. (This had actually decreased from 45% in 2005, but is still higher than in many years previous.) In fairy tales there is also the rather unrealistic idea of 'fate' bringing together the girl and her Prince. The events are written so as to reach the desired conclusion of the Prince falling for the girl and marrying her. But most people don't ascribe to the idea of 'fate'. Most people would say that there isn't just one person out there for everyone and that you just have to find them. I mean, mathematically speaking, the chances of meeting the one person on Earth, out of all of the billions of people, who is specifically designed for you are ridiculous. It just wouldn't happen. But then there's the idea that life is written in a way that means that you will find that one person. Most people definitely wouldn't believe that. It infringes upon their right to free will. But in the church, it is believed that, if you are meant to marry, God knows who you will marry and how you will meet them. I say 'if you are meant to marry' because the Bible does tell us that some people are meant to remain single. But the majority are meant to marry and, as marriage is so important in the church, marrying the right person is massively important. But God gives us the person we are meant to marry, in some way, at some point in time. As for the 'right person' being a Prince (or Princess); they may not actually be royalty but the 'Prince' in the fairy tale is just another symbol. A symbol of the ideal person; the ideal person for you. They may not be a Prince in the strictest sense but if they're the right person for you, they kind of become your Prince in a way.
Finally, I reach the end of the fairy tale and there is just that one line. That one line that gives us all a hope for the future; 'And they all lived happily ever after'. People say that this is unrealistic; that there is no such thing as 'happily ever after'. It's kind of the same argument as the one about good triumphing over evil, in a way. We cannot know what the future will hold and it may not always be happy. We will still have dragons to defeat and battles to win. But overall, the future could still be happy. Our happiness has a lot to do with how we view the world and how we view our own experiences. I haven't always been happy. I'm not sure if I'm exactly happy now; though, I'm definitely content. But I do hope that, in the future, I will be happy; that I will live happily ever after. Now, the cynics among you might believe me to be naive - but I am far from it. I have experienced things, that I won't share on this public platform, that have completely destroyed any innocence and naivete I might once have had. But in therapy I learnt about the choices that I have and about how I can choose to just focus on the bad things in life and be miserable, or I can choose to look at the good things and be happy. Having spent years being miserable, I desperately wanted to be happy; I just didn't know how to be - I had forgotten how to be happy. But now that I know that happiness is a state of mind and that I can choose to be happy, based on how I view the world and my experiences, I know that actually 'happily ever after' is possible. Because I can make it possible. It might not always be easy. And I might not always be happy. But, going back to that 'bigger picture' thing, I can make my future happy, overall. And, one last little note. With God, happily ever after is definitely possible. Because He gives us eternal life. "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16.
Fairy tales may not be real but they can display some very real truths...
Currently listening to: Laura Marling - Rambling Man
Monday, 29 July 2013
Failed by the NHS?
Being someone who suffers from mental health problems, I have been extremely interested in the BBC's current 'It's a Mad World' season. Recently there has been a great deal of campaigning for greater awareness of mental health issues, which is helping to reduce the stigma attached to mental illness. Tonight's documentary on BBC Three, entitled 'Failed by the NHS', involved several young people explaining how they have been let down by NHS mental health services and describing the impact of this on their lives. It is true that a vast number of people who try to access mental health services are disappointed and left feeling let down by the very people who are supposed to help them. Suffering from mental illness myself, and having spent a lot of time around other people with mental health problems (especially in the last year), I have heard countless stories of how the NHS has failed people, and not just with regards to their mental health. It is truly upsetting to hear these things and it does make me, and many others, feel angry and disgusted at the NHS and the government, for lack of funding to various health services.
I also happened to catch part of another documentary, earlier in the evening, this time courtesy of Channel 4, about the short-comings of the NHS 111 service. There are so many documentaries and news reports and personal tales of the failures of the NHS; and I am not doubting for a second the validity of these accounts and concerns, but, having had a lot more contact with NHS services than the average person, I feel that people have a tendency to ignore the good parts of the NHS and, I must admit, I feel a certain kind of protectiveness towards the institution that has done so much for me.
In the UK we are privileged to have a national, public health service. If we didn't have this service, and health care was provided only to those who could afford either the cost of treatment or insurance (like in countries such as the USA), millions of people would have to go without treatment for serious health conditions and perhaps even die as a result of not being able to afford health care costs. From a very young age I suffered from a number of serious health conditions, some of which are still ongoing, that required a lot of treatment, including surgery. All of this treatment will have come with a very hefty price tag which my family would not be able to afford and no insurance company would insure me with so many pre-existing conditions requiring expensive treatments. I cannot help but feel so lucky to live in a country where I am able to receive all of this treatment for free, especially as the risks of not receiving treatment (and in some cases emergency treatment) could have actually been fatal.
I have spent a great deal of time in doctors' surgeries and hospitals and, yes, a lot of that time was mostly spent sitting in the waiting rooms of clinics that were running late for whatever reason. NHS waiting times can be long and boring, and extremely uncomfortable, but whenever I have needed a referral to a different department or even surgery, I have received the care that I needed; eventually.
When I first came home from University to seek some kind of treatment for my mental health problems, I had hoped to be able to only take one year out of University to get well and then I could return to University the next year. That didn't happen. I have now had two years out of University and, though I am returning to studying, I am not returning to the University I was studying at before. There are several reasons for this but one of them is simply that, though I have had a year of intensive group therapy and am significantly better than I was before I started the therapy, I still feel unable to live so far away from home and from the support that I have gained here from my family, my friends, my GP and St Andrew's - where I received my therapy. But this isn't a result of prolonged NHS waiting times. Yes it took just over a year to actually get on to the intensive group therapy programme but I didn't spend that whole time just sitting around waiting and twiddling my thumbs. After seeing my GP a few times, during which time he took the time to get my medication right, I was referred to my local Community Mental Health Team (CMHT). I then had a couple of assessments with them before I was referred for an initial assessment at St Andrew's. Whilst I was waiting for the referral with St Andrew's to go through I received Occupational Therapy sessions from an Occupational Therapist who was attached to the CMHT. When I was then assessed at St Andrew's, I was given three appointments at the end of which time, I was referred on to the group therapy programme and I got a place relatively quickly. I then underwent a year of intensive group therapy which brings me up to the end of June this year. And since then I have had a follow up appointment with my key therapist from the programme and attend a monthly follow up group for people who have left the group programme.
All of this has taken a grand total of two years. Which to some may seem like a long time but during that time I had regular appointments with my GP and when I discovered that some people on the group programme with me had waited literally years to get on to the programme, I felt blessed to have had to wait such a relatively short amount of time to get my place. This has all been since I returned home to York from University in Brighton. Admittedly, in Brighton, it wasn't quite as easy getting the help that I needed but part of that was down to me taking a long time to actually admit that I had a problem. I have suffered from my mental health problems for a long time; since about the age of seven. And in that time I have received a lot of therapy and counselling for various issues. As a child and, more so, as a teenager I was very stubborn and refused to accept any kind of help. I decided that I disliked all therapists and help professionals and I refused to cooperate. I feel that, to an extent, I was justified in my feelings towards some of the so-called 'support' that I was given but now I can also see that, whatever my feelings about that help, I was still given a lot of help. And I am aware that not everyone does receive the level of care I did. This actually makes me feel very selfish and ungrateful that I didn't accept help earlier. And perhaps if I had, I wouldn't have ended up on my own in Sussex County Hospital at four a.m one morning needing nine stitches in my arm and a psych consult after an episode of self-harming. Hindsight is always twenty-twenty. Anyway, my point is that the help was there. I may have chosen not to accept it, for whatever reasons my screwed up teenage brain came up with, but it was there. Repeatedly I was referred back to counselors and therapists and the eating disorders team and family therapy and you-name-it whoever else. This, to me, does not speak of an NHS service that fails to provide mental health services to adolescents and young people.
I'm not saying that the NHS doesn't have faults. And I'm not saying that my experiences are the experiences of everyone, or even of the majority. I really do feel for everyone who has been let down by the NHS; be it for mental health issues or any other health problems. Maybe I have just been extremely lucky to have received the amount of treatment and care that I have. And I don't want to belittle any bad experiences that anyone has had with the NHS. But I do feel that not enough is said about how much the NHS has and does help people. I feel terribly sad and disheartened by reports of yet more and more bad service from the NHS. And the current economic climate really does not help matters. But I just really wanted to say that it isn't all bad. And to those of you who are reading this and work for the NHS or have worked for the NHS; Thank you. You do an amazing job. I'm sorry you get such a bad press. But you really are awesome.
I also happened to catch part of another documentary, earlier in the evening, this time courtesy of Channel 4, about the short-comings of the NHS 111 service. There are so many documentaries and news reports and personal tales of the failures of the NHS; and I am not doubting for a second the validity of these accounts and concerns, but, having had a lot more contact with NHS services than the average person, I feel that people have a tendency to ignore the good parts of the NHS and, I must admit, I feel a certain kind of protectiveness towards the institution that has done so much for me.
In the UK we are privileged to have a national, public health service. If we didn't have this service, and health care was provided only to those who could afford either the cost of treatment or insurance (like in countries such as the USA), millions of people would have to go without treatment for serious health conditions and perhaps even die as a result of not being able to afford health care costs. From a very young age I suffered from a number of serious health conditions, some of which are still ongoing, that required a lot of treatment, including surgery. All of this treatment will have come with a very hefty price tag which my family would not be able to afford and no insurance company would insure me with so many pre-existing conditions requiring expensive treatments. I cannot help but feel so lucky to live in a country where I am able to receive all of this treatment for free, especially as the risks of not receiving treatment (and in some cases emergency treatment) could have actually been fatal.
I have spent a great deal of time in doctors' surgeries and hospitals and, yes, a lot of that time was mostly spent sitting in the waiting rooms of clinics that were running late for whatever reason. NHS waiting times can be long and boring, and extremely uncomfortable, but whenever I have needed a referral to a different department or even surgery, I have received the care that I needed; eventually.
When I first came home from University to seek some kind of treatment for my mental health problems, I had hoped to be able to only take one year out of University to get well and then I could return to University the next year. That didn't happen. I have now had two years out of University and, though I am returning to studying, I am not returning to the University I was studying at before. There are several reasons for this but one of them is simply that, though I have had a year of intensive group therapy and am significantly better than I was before I started the therapy, I still feel unable to live so far away from home and from the support that I have gained here from my family, my friends, my GP and St Andrew's - where I received my therapy. But this isn't a result of prolonged NHS waiting times. Yes it took just over a year to actually get on to the intensive group therapy programme but I didn't spend that whole time just sitting around waiting and twiddling my thumbs. After seeing my GP a few times, during which time he took the time to get my medication right, I was referred to my local Community Mental Health Team (CMHT). I then had a couple of assessments with them before I was referred for an initial assessment at St Andrew's. Whilst I was waiting for the referral with St Andrew's to go through I received Occupational Therapy sessions from an Occupational Therapist who was attached to the CMHT. When I was then assessed at St Andrew's, I was given three appointments at the end of which time, I was referred on to the group therapy programme and I got a place relatively quickly. I then underwent a year of intensive group therapy which brings me up to the end of June this year. And since then I have had a follow up appointment with my key therapist from the programme and attend a monthly follow up group for people who have left the group programme.
All of this has taken a grand total of two years. Which to some may seem like a long time but during that time I had regular appointments with my GP and when I discovered that some people on the group programme with me had waited literally years to get on to the programme, I felt blessed to have had to wait such a relatively short amount of time to get my place. This has all been since I returned home to York from University in Brighton. Admittedly, in Brighton, it wasn't quite as easy getting the help that I needed but part of that was down to me taking a long time to actually admit that I had a problem. I have suffered from my mental health problems for a long time; since about the age of seven. And in that time I have received a lot of therapy and counselling for various issues. As a child and, more so, as a teenager I was very stubborn and refused to accept any kind of help. I decided that I disliked all therapists and help professionals and I refused to cooperate. I feel that, to an extent, I was justified in my feelings towards some of the so-called 'support' that I was given but now I can also see that, whatever my feelings about that help, I was still given a lot of help. And I am aware that not everyone does receive the level of care I did. This actually makes me feel very selfish and ungrateful that I didn't accept help earlier. And perhaps if I had, I wouldn't have ended up on my own in Sussex County Hospital at four a.m one morning needing nine stitches in my arm and a psych consult after an episode of self-harming. Hindsight is always twenty-twenty. Anyway, my point is that the help was there. I may have chosen not to accept it, for whatever reasons my screwed up teenage brain came up with, but it was there. Repeatedly I was referred back to counselors and therapists and the eating disorders team and family therapy and you-name-it whoever else. This, to me, does not speak of an NHS service that fails to provide mental health services to adolescents and young people.
I'm not saying that the NHS doesn't have faults. And I'm not saying that my experiences are the experiences of everyone, or even of the majority. I really do feel for everyone who has been let down by the NHS; be it for mental health issues or any other health problems. Maybe I have just been extremely lucky to have received the amount of treatment and care that I have. And I don't want to belittle any bad experiences that anyone has had with the NHS. But I do feel that not enough is said about how much the NHS has and does help people. I feel terribly sad and disheartened by reports of yet more and more bad service from the NHS. And the current economic climate really does not help matters. But I just really wanted to say that it isn't all bad. And to those of you who are reading this and work for the NHS or have worked for the NHS; Thank you. You do an amazing job. I'm sorry you get such a bad press. But you really are awesome.
Tuesday, 11 June 2013
don't worry, about a thing...
There are a lot of Bible verses that tell us 'do not worry' or, in some versions it is written as, 'do not be anxious'. Matthew 6: 25-27; Matthew 6: 34; Philippians 4: 6-7, and many more. These verses are all, basically, saying 'don't worry because God will look after everything, no matter what happens.' And as Christians we are frequently reminded of these many 'do not worry' verses. The thought that often springs to my mind when people spout 'do not worry...' at me is, 'easier said than done'. Anxiety is a very natural, human response; it's part of the whole 'fight or flight' thing. And having suffered from quite severe anxiety, for many years, I know a fair bit about it.
In therapy, a few months ago, one of the therapists did a session about anxiety. It was all stuff that I knew but it was different listening to someone else talking about it and explaining it in terms of it being a physiological thing, not a mental thing. Anxiety is a very physical reaction; increased heart rate, quickening breath, sweating, dizziness, shaking are all physical symptoms. Are all symptoms of anxiety. These physical symptoms are a result of a quick release of adrenaline into the body. This release of adrenaline and the onset of these symptoms are what help us to decide if a situation is too risky or dangerous, and, whether we should fight the scary, dangerous thing or just run away from it. Without adrenaline we would be able to do either of those things (we wouldn't have the strength needed to fight, or the speed needed to run away). It's a self-preservation thing.
A problem with anxiety, however, is that this physical reaction may be in response to something that really isn't actually that dangerous, or, is even just an imagined danger. The mind can find or create any number of reasons to be anxious, thus setting off the physical anxiety response. Another problem with anxiety is our response to the feeling of anxiety itself. We may decide that the feeling of anxiety is too much to bear and so we remove what we perceive to be the cause of that feeling, and the symptoms go away; we start to feel better. The problem that then arises is that, because the mind has decided, rightly or wrongly, that something specific is the cause of that feeling, the next time we come across that thing we respond in the same way; by getting anxious. And, because last time you got anxious about that thing you ran away and then felt better, you believe that the best thing to do this time, is to run away again. The more this happens, the quicker the body reacts to the burst of adrenaline and the harder it is not to run away. This quickly develops into a cycle of distorted thinking, that becomes very difficult to break.
Now, going back slightly, I mentioned that the mind will find or create any number of reasons to be anxious; they don't necessarily have to be that scary or dangerous, nor do they even have to make sense. Humans are complex beings; we can experience a wealth of emotions all at once. And the human mind is incredibly detailed and intricate in its workings and can play tricks on us and deceive us. When we are experiencing an extremely difficult mix of complex emotions and circumstances, the brain is flooded with information and hormones or chemicals. When this happens the mind will sometimes decide that it's been overloaded and that it's just too much and so will instruct the body to release adrenaline in order to be able to cope. As we know, adrenaline is what causes the physical anxiety symptoms, so when it is released, all of those physical symptoms that I listed earlier (and possibly some more) start to occur. Now when someone is able to realistically assess their situation, they will be able to determine what the actual cause of their symptoms is, and will hopefully be able to manage it appropriately. But if you're experiencing a lot of difficult emotions, when the adrenaline kicks in and the physical symptoms start, you're unlikely to be able to realistically assess or determine the cause of those symptoms and your brain will just pick an easy answer; something that can easily be resolved.
So say, for example, you're in a crowd when you start to feel the symptoms of anxiety. Your brain is likely to tell you that the cause of the anxiety, and the physical symptoms, is the crowd, and so you remove yourself from the crowd. As soon as you're away from the crowd, the adrenaline begins to wear off and you start to feel better. This just supports your belief that it was the crowd that caused your anxiety and so you associate that feeling and those symptoms with being in a crowd. This then starts a cycle where, every time you're in a crowd, you feel anxious and so you start avoiding crowds in order to avoid the anxious feeling. This may not always happen, but the more it does, the more ingrained the cycle becomes and the more your mind convinces you that crowds are bad because they cause anxiety. The thing is, this doesn't deal with the actual cause of the anxiety and the cycle is likely to get worse and worse until something is done to change it. The same thing can be seen in people who react to things with high levels of aggression. Adrenaline is also responsible for anger and aggression and so some people may react to things by becoming angry or violent when actually what they're feeling is not anger at all.
Therapy says that the best way of changing this anxiety response and breaking the cycle, is to, when you feel anxious, work through the feelings and do whatever it is your mind has convinced you is the cause of your anxiety, instead of running away. So, if you feel anxious in crowds, go and be in a crowd. Now, this does actually work. The physical symptoms caused by the burst of adrenaline will not last forever; adrenaline is only released in quick spurts and so does not remain constant. The body could not physically maintain a high level of adrenaline for any extended period of time. This means that, eventually, the adrenaline would wear off and the physical anxiety symptoms would stop on their own. Now, if you run away every time you feel those physical anxiety symptoms, when the adrenaline wears off and the symptoms stop, you end up attributing the feeling better to the fact that you ran away, but actually, if you had stayed and not run away, the adrenaline would still have worn off and you would, eventually, have started to feel better anyway, despite still being in the situation which you thought was the cause of your anxiety. So, in order to combat anxiety, you need to not run away, but stay in the crowd, and then the adrenaline and the symptoms would go away and you'd start to feel better. And, as with the way the cycle started, where, the more often you feel anxious and run away, the worse the anxiety gets; when breaking the cycle of anxiety, the more you manage to face what you thought was the cause of your anxiety, the less the anxiety is and the easier it is to face it again. And again. And again.
Saying, 'do not worry' or 'do not be anxious' is one step beyond the thinking that leads to breaking the cycle of anxiety. When the cycle of anxiety starts, you're not thinking, you're just reacting, in the way that animals do; fight or flight. But as humans, our minds have the ability to distort that natural imperative, and our thinking, and turn it into something potentially harmful. When we break the cycle of anxiety, we are beginning to think and to use our brains again. We're thinking more clearly; we recognise the distorted thinking that led to the cycle being created and we sometimes even learn the actual cause of the anxiety. And we learn how to manage and deal with the anxiety and the thoughts and causes behind it. When we are instructed 'do not worry', God is inviting us to go that bit further in our thinking and using our brains, and that step further brings us closer to Him. God wants us to not just not run away from our worries and our anxieties, but to stop worrying about them. As anxiety is a natural reaction, this seems like an impossibility. How can we stop our natural, physical reactions? But God created us. He knows that anxiety is natural. He is not asking the impossible. Because God created us, He knows this. He created us above animals so that we are not held captive by our natural, physical reactions. We are intelligent beings; we are capable of complex thought processes. We've already proven that by using our brains to help us recognise cycles of anxiety and to break them. When God says 'do not be anxious', He isn't saying 'don't have the physical reaction'. He's asking us to use our brains a bit more; to give our anxieties to Him; to let Him carry them. Because He's not going to have distorted thinking or distorted reactions. He's God; He can handle it. And if we give our anxieties to Him, we're not going to get into those distorted cycles of anxiety either, because God's got it. He knows everything and He has plans for us, so we need to trust Him, by letting Him take care of our anxieties.
My journey in therapy has been so intertwined with my spiritual journey. I had always been told or reminded of the 'do not worry' verses but I couldn't seem to help my anxiety. In therapy I've learnt to break those cycles of anxiety and to use my brain and to think more - my therapists are constantly telling me to do this. But it was only this morning, when someone was talking about not being able to help worrying about something, that I finally realised what all those 'do not worry' verses are about; what they really mean. I always felt like I was just less of a Christian because I couldn't 'not worry'. Now I realise that I'm just human. And let's face it, if we weren't all so human, what would be the purpose of Grace?
In therapy, a few months ago, one of the therapists did a session about anxiety. It was all stuff that I knew but it was different listening to someone else talking about it and explaining it in terms of it being a physiological thing, not a mental thing. Anxiety is a very physical reaction; increased heart rate, quickening breath, sweating, dizziness, shaking are all physical symptoms. Are all symptoms of anxiety. These physical symptoms are a result of a quick release of adrenaline into the body. This release of adrenaline and the onset of these symptoms are what help us to decide if a situation is too risky or dangerous, and, whether we should fight the scary, dangerous thing or just run away from it. Without adrenaline we would be able to do either of those things (we wouldn't have the strength needed to fight, or the speed needed to run away). It's a self-preservation thing.
A problem with anxiety, however, is that this physical reaction may be in response to something that really isn't actually that dangerous, or, is even just an imagined danger. The mind can find or create any number of reasons to be anxious, thus setting off the physical anxiety response. Another problem with anxiety is our response to the feeling of anxiety itself. We may decide that the feeling of anxiety is too much to bear and so we remove what we perceive to be the cause of that feeling, and the symptoms go away; we start to feel better. The problem that then arises is that, because the mind has decided, rightly or wrongly, that something specific is the cause of that feeling, the next time we come across that thing we respond in the same way; by getting anxious. And, because last time you got anxious about that thing you ran away and then felt better, you believe that the best thing to do this time, is to run away again. The more this happens, the quicker the body reacts to the burst of adrenaline and the harder it is not to run away. This quickly develops into a cycle of distorted thinking, that becomes very difficult to break.
Now, going back slightly, I mentioned that the mind will find or create any number of reasons to be anxious; they don't necessarily have to be that scary or dangerous, nor do they even have to make sense. Humans are complex beings; we can experience a wealth of emotions all at once. And the human mind is incredibly detailed and intricate in its workings and can play tricks on us and deceive us. When we are experiencing an extremely difficult mix of complex emotions and circumstances, the brain is flooded with information and hormones or chemicals. When this happens the mind will sometimes decide that it's been overloaded and that it's just too much and so will instruct the body to release adrenaline in order to be able to cope. As we know, adrenaline is what causes the physical anxiety symptoms, so when it is released, all of those physical symptoms that I listed earlier (and possibly some more) start to occur. Now when someone is able to realistically assess their situation, they will be able to determine what the actual cause of their symptoms is, and will hopefully be able to manage it appropriately. But if you're experiencing a lot of difficult emotions, when the adrenaline kicks in and the physical symptoms start, you're unlikely to be able to realistically assess or determine the cause of those symptoms and your brain will just pick an easy answer; something that can easily be resolved.
So say, for example, you're in a crowd when you start to feel the symptoms of anxiety. Your brain is likely to tell you that the cause of the anxiety, and the physical symptoms, is the crowd, and so you remove yourself from the crowd. As soon as you're away from the crowd, the adrenaline begins to wear off and you start to feel better. This just supports your belief that it was the crowd that caused your anxiety and so you associate that feeling and those symptoms with being in a crowd. This then starts a cycle where, every time you're in a crowd, you feel anxious and so you start avoiding crowds in order to avoid the anxious feeling. This may not always happen, but the more it does, the more ingrained the cycle becomes and the more your mind convinces you that crowds are bad because they cause anxiety. The thing is, this doesn't deal with the actual cause of the anxiety and the cycle is likely to get worse and worse until something is done to change it. The same thing can be seen in people who react to things with high levels of aggression. Adrenaline is also responsible for anger and aggression and so some people may react to things by becoming angry or violent when actually what they're feeling is not anger at all.
Therapy says that the best way of changing this anxiety response and breaking the cycle, is to, when you feel anxious, work through the feelings and do whatever it is your mind has convinced you is the cause of your anxiety, instead of running away. So, if you feel anxious in crowds, go and be in a crowd. Now, this does actually work. The physical symptoms caused by the burst of adrenaline will not last forever; adrenaline is only released in quick spurts and so does not remain constant. The body could not physically maintain a high level of adrenaline for any extended period of time. This means that, eventually, the adrenaline would wear off and the physical anxiety symptoms would stop on their own. Now, if you run away every time you feel those physical anxiety symptoms, when the adrenaline wears off and the symptoms stop, you end up attributing the feeling better to the fact that you ran away, but actually, if you had stayed and not run away, the adrenaline would still have worn off and you would, eventually, have started to feel better anyway, despite still being in the situation which you thought was the cause of your anxiety. So, in order to combat anxiety, you need to not run away, but stay in the crowd, and then the adrenaline and the symptoms would go away and you'd start to feel better. And, as with the way the cycle started, where, the more often you feel anxious and run away, the worse the anxiety gets; when breaking the cycle of anxiety, the more you manage to face what you thought was the cause of your anxiety, the less the anxiety is and the easier it is to face it again. And again. And again.
Saying, 'do not worry' or 'do not be anxious' is one step beyond the thinking that leads to breaking the cycle of anxiety. When the cycle of anxiety starts, you're not thinking, you're just reacting, in the way that animals do; fight or flight. But as humans, our minds have the ability to distort that natural imperative, and our thinking, and turn it into something potentially harmful. When we break the cycle of anxiety, we are beginning to think and to use our brains again. We're thinking more clearly; we recognise the distorted thinking that led to the cycle being created and we sometimes even learn the actual cause of the anxiety. And we learn how to manage and deal with the anxiety and the thoughts and causes behind it. When we are instructed 'do not worry', God is inviting us to go that bit further in our thinking and using our brains, and that step further brings us closer to Him. God wants us to not just not run away from our worries and our anxieties, but to stop worrying about them. As anxiety is a natural reaction, this seems like an impossibility. How can we stop our natural, physical reactions? But God created us. He knows that anxiety is natural. He is not asking the impossible. Because God created us, He knows this. He created us above animals so that we are not held captive by our natural, physical reactions. We are intelligent beings; we are capable of complex thought processes. We've already proven that by using our brains to help us recognise cycles of anxiety and to break them. When God says 'do not be anxious', He isn't saying 'don't have the physical reaction'. He's asking us to use our brains a bit more; to give our anxieties to Him; to let Him carry them. Because He's not going to have distorted thinking or distorted reactions. He's God; He can handle it. And if we give our anxieties to Him, we're not going to get into those distorted cycles of anxiety either, because God's got it. He knows everything and He has plans for us, so we need to trust Him, by letting Him take care of our anxieties.
My journey in therapy has been so intertwined with my spiritual journey. I had always been told or reminded of the 'do not worry' verses but I couldn't seem to help my anxiety. In therapy I've learnt to break those cycles of anxiety and to use my brain and to think more - my therapists are constantly telling me to do this. But it was only this morning, when someone was talking about not being able to help worrying about something, that I finally realised what all those 'do not worry' verses are about; what they really mean. I always felt like I was just less of a Christian because I couldn't 'not worry'. Now I realise that I'm just human. And let's face it, if we weren't all so human, what would be the purpose of Grace?
Sunday, 9 June 2013
happily ever after part two
At church this morning I was thinking about books. (See my
post on my writing blog, Happily Ever Afters.) I was thinking about how popular literature is
currently very fantasy based; how it is an escape from real life. The preach at
church was about 'What happens when we die?' and Pete, who was speaking,
focused on how any works you do now, as a work for the Lord, will not be in
vain. He cited 1 Corinthians 15:58, which says, 'Therefore, my beloved
brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord,
knowing that in the Lord your labour is not in vain.' The preach was very good
and I took a lot away from it, but it made me think about the Bible. As a
Christian, I believe that the Bible is the word of God; that it is His truth.
Pete also talked about hope. Hope doesn't have the answers, nor is it a form of
escapism. But God gives us hope in order that we might persist and persevere;
that what we do now in His name and in hope, will not be in vain. I was also
thinking about how, psychologically speaking, faith seems to fulfil the desires
of the human mind, especially my desires. Many psychologists believe that God
was created by man to fulfil these desires and that believing in Him is just a
fantasy; an escape. But unlike the fantasy books I read to escape from real
life, the Bible is true. It doesn't give us an escape from life; it helps us to
deal with life, with God. It gives us hope. And teaches us to live life in such
a way that, though it isn't perfect, we can be joyful in God. More people
should turn to the Bible rather than fiction, because it is the truth and it
maintains us and gives us hope. Perhaps if we turned to God more, we wouldn't
be so desperate to escape our lives. The only thing the Bible really has in
common with fantasy fiction is the 'happily ever after'.
This post is rather unfocused and probably doesn't make
sense to anyone but me, so I apologise if you think it's a load of rubbish. But
it made sense in my head. In the strange way that things in my head make
sense...
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