Read, Pray, Love

I've always loved to read; it's my safe place. Somewhere I can just escape to, through the pages of a book. It is the very reason I study literature. But, even though I get to read all the time whilst studying, and I really love what I do, I miss simply reading for pleasure. I miss getting to pick up a new book, a book I have chosen to read, and going wherever my mood takes me. I've received a lot of encouragement recently to take more time out; to try not to stress about work too much, and to spend time for myself. So, in my time off, I've been taking time to read more, for pleasure. I was also challenged recently by a good friend who had been praying for me, especially about my Uni work, to spend more time with God. Even more time than I think I can spend, just reading and praying and being with God. I really felt this challenge. All last term I struggled to make it to small group due to my University timetable. I struggled to make it to church due to my lack of motivation. And I struggled to consistently spend time with God because I had so much work to do. Recently, my head has been a bit of a mess. There are a few reasons for this. The stress I put myself under with regards to Uni work does not help. But my lack of time with God is the greatest issue. I am going to be scarily honest here and admit that I have not actually sat down and read my Bible in quite a while. Nor have I even read any Christian books. And this scares me. The Bible should be the one book I read consistently and continually. It is the first book I should turn to when I need to rest. The first book I should turn to when I am struggling. And the first book I should turn to when I sit down to begin my work. But not only is it the first book I should turn to, it is also the last book. When the day is over; when my struggles have been overcome; when that essay has finally been submitted only ten minutes before the deadline. Then, also, I should turn to the Bible and thank God for the blessings He has poured out on my life; for fighting my battles for me; for helping me get that essay done and submitted in time.

I once heard someone say, during a preach, that he spent an hour everyday with God, except when he was busy. Then he spent two hours with God. My friend was right when she challenged me to spend more time than I think I can with God, especially when I am so busy with work. Because it is in the times when we are busy, or struggling, or stressed, or just consumed by work that we need God most. Sure, He is our rest and we should make sure to rest in Him often. But He is also our strength and so we need to rely on Him when we are tired and stressed and working too hard.

I've never been very good at relying on other people. Years of hurt and abuse and betrayal taught me not to trust anyone and I'm very independent and self-reliant, so I still find it extremely difficult to trust or rely on anyone, including God. I know that I need to learn to rely on God more and that to do that I need to read the Bible and pray more. Spending time with God - finding strength in Him, resting in Him - isn't just about reading the Bible, it's praying; being in conversation with God. My friend's challenge to me to spend more time with God wasn't just about reading my Bible more, though of course that's part of it, but it was about praying more and learning to rely on God, especially in hard times.

Learning to rely on God means learning to love God. I am not exactly a faithful person. I don't so much 'believe in' God as simply cannot deny His existence. For me, I know that God exists, I've always known that He exists, I can't even try to deny this. But that doesn't mean that I've always loved Him. In fact, I've always struggled to love Him and for a long time I was very angry with Him. Still am sometimes. It has taken a long time for me to even begin to learn to rely on God. I'm not there yet. And I'm not quite there yet when it comes to loving Him either. But I am getting there. Slowly. I don't think He blames me though, I have a lot of issues to work on here.

It is because God loves us that we are able to love Him and through loving Him, we can learn to love others and are instructed to do so. Sometimes I feel like I'm not a very loving person. I try. But I really struggle to even be around people sometimes, let alone to love them. It's something I constantly battle with. Not being able to trust people makes loving them rather difficult. It is the people I have loved who have hurt me most. Perhaps I have not loved very wisely in the past and so have hardened my heart. The Bible tells us to guard our hearts and perhaps I have guarded mine a little too fiercely, but I think I am beginning to feel again. It's terrifying. And I've still got a long way to go. But I am learning to spend time with God; to trust in Him and rely on Him, and to love Him.

***

I had initially finished the post there but I wanted to share one extra thing:

My biggest fear in posting this is that people are going to think that I'm going through a period of doubt or that I'm in a really bad place either spiritually or mentally But I'm not. I'm just being honest. And, honestly, I've been in much worse places than this. And I got out of them. My head actually feels clearer than it has done in a long time. I will be fine. I always am. And right now, that's good enough for me.

don't worry, about a thing...

There are a lot of Bible verses that tell us 'do not worry' or, in some versions it is written as, 'do not be anxious'. Matthew 6: 25-27; Matthew 6: 34; Philippians 4: 6-7, and many more. These verses are all, basically, saying 'don't worry because God will look after everything, no matter what happens.' And as Christians we are frequently reminded of these many 'do not worry' verses. The thought that often springs to my mind when people spout 'do not worry...' at me is, 'easier said than done'. Anxiety is a very natural, human response; it's part of the whole 'fight or flight' thing. And having suffered from quite severe anxiety, for many years, I know a fair bit about it.

In therapy, a few months ago, one of the therapists did a session about anxiety. It was all stuff that I knew but it was different listening to someone else talking about it and explaining it in terms of it being a physiological thing, not a mental thing. Anxiety is a very physical reaction; increased heart rate, quickening breath, sweating, dizziness, shaking are all physical symptoms. Are all symptoms of anxiety. These physical symptoms are a result of a quick release of adrenaline into the body. This release of adrenaline and the onset of these symptoms are what help us to decide if a situation is too risky or dangerous, and, whether we should fight the scary, dangerous thing or just run away from it. Without adrenaline we would be able to do either of those things (we wouldn't have the strength needed to fight, or the speed needed to run away). It's a self-preservation thing.

A problem with anxiety, however, is that this physical reaction may be in response to something that really isn't actually that dangerous, or, is even just an imagined danger. The mind can find or create any number of reasons to be anxious, thus setting off the physical anxiety response. Another problem with anxiety is our response to the feeling of anxiety itself. We may decide that the feeling of anxiety is too much to bear and so we remove what we perceive to be the cause of that feeling, and the symptoms go away; we start to feel better. The problem that then arises is that, because the mind has decided, rightly or wrongly, that something specific is the cause of that feeling, the next time we come across that thing we respond in the same way; by getting anxious. And, because last time you got anxious about that thing you ran away and then felt better, you believe that the best thing to do this time, is to run away again. The more this happens, the quicker the body reacts to the burst of adrenaline and the harder it is not to run away. This quickly develops into a cycle of distorted thinking, that becomes very difficult to break.

Now, going back slightly, I mentioned that the mind will find or create any number of reasons to be anxious; they don't necessarily have to be that scary or dangerous, nor do they even have to make sense. Humans are complex beings; we can experience a wealth of emotions all at once. And the human mind is incredibly detailed and intricate in its workings and can play tricks on us and deceive us. When we are experiencing an extremely difficult mix of complex emotions and circumstances, the brain is flooded with information and hormones or chemicals. When this happens the mind will sometimes decide that it's been overloaded and that it's just too much and so will instruct the body to release adrenaline in order to be able to cope. As we know, adrenaline is what causes the physical anxiety symptoms, so when it is released, all of those physical symptoms that I listed earlier (and possibly some more) start to occur. Now when someone is able to realistically assess their situation, they will be able to determine what the actual cause of their symptoms is, and will hopefully be able to manage it appropriately. But if you're experiencing a lot of difficult emotions, when the adrenaline kicks in and the physical symptoms start, you're unlikely to be able to realistically assess or determine the cause of those symptoms and your brain will just pick an easy answer; something that can easily be resolved.

So say, for example, you're in a crowd when you start to feel the symptoms of anxiety. Your brain is likely to tell you that the cause of the anxiety, and the physical symptoms, is the crowd, and so you remove yourself from the crowd. As soon as you're away from the crowd, the adrenaline begins to wear off and you start to feel better. This just supports your belief that it was the crowd that caused your anxiety and so you associate that feeling and those symptoms with being in a crowd. This then starts a cycle where, every time you're in a crowd, you feel anxious and so you start avoiding crowds in order to avoid the anxious feeling. This may not always happen, but the more it does, the more ingrained the cycle becomes and the more your mind convinces you that crowds are bad because they cause anxiety. The thing is, this doesn't deal with the actual cause of the anxiety and the cycle is likely to get worse and worse until something is done to change it. The same thing can be seen in people who react to things with high levels of aggression. Adrenaline is also responsible for anger and aggression and so some people may react to things by becoming angry or violent when actually what they're feeling is not anger at all.

Therapy says that the best way of changing this anxiety response and breaking the cycle, is to, when you feel anxious, work through the feelings and do whatever it is your mind has convinced you is the cause of your anxiety, instead of running away. So, if you feel anxious in crowds, go and be in a crowd. Now, this does actually work. The physical symptoms caused by the burst of adrenaline will not last forever; adrenaline is only released in quick spurts and so does not remain constant. The body could not physically maintain a high level of adrenaline for any extended period of time. This means that, eventually, the adrenaline would wear off and the physical anxiety symptoms would stop on their own. Now, if you run away every time you feel those physical anxiety symptoms, when the adrenaline wears off and the symptoms stop, you end up attributing the feeling better to the fact that you ran away, but actually, if you had stayed and not run away, the adrenaline would still have worn off and you would, eventually, have started to feel better anyway, despite still being in the situation which you thought was the cause of your anxiety. So, in order to combat anxiety, you need to not run away, but stay in the crowd, and then the adrenaline and the symptoms would go away and you'd start to feel better. And, as with the way the cycle started, where, the more often you feel anxious and run away, the worse the anxiety gets; when breaking the cycle of anxiety, the more you manage to face what you thought was the cause of your anxiety, the less the anxiety is and the easier it is to face it again. And again. And again.

Saying, 'do not worry' or 'do not be anxious' is one step beyond the thinking that leads to breaking the cycle of anxiety. When the cycle of anxiety starts, you're not thinking, you're just reacting, in the way that animals do; fight or flight. But as humans, our minds have the ability to distort that natural imperative, and our thinking, and turn it into something potentially harmful. When we break the cycle of anxiety, we are beginning to think and to use our brains again. We're thinking more clearly; we recognise the distorted thinking that led to the cycle being created and we sometimes even learn the actual cause of the anxiety. And we learn how to manage and deal with the anxiety and the thoughts and causes behind it. When we are instructed 'do not worry', God is inviting us to go that bit further in our thinking and using our brains, and that step further brings us closer to Him. God wants us to not just not run away from our worries and our anxieties, but to stop worrying about them. As anxiety is a natural reaction, this seems like an impossibility. How can we stop our natural, physical reactions? But God created us. He knows that anxiety is natural. He is not asking the impossible. Because God created us, He knows this. He created us above animals so that we are not held captive by our natural, physical reactions. We are intelligent beings; we are capable of complex thought processes. We've already proven that by using our brains to help us recognise cycles of anxiety and to break them. When God says 'do not be anxious', He isn't saying 'don't have the physical reaction'. He's asking us to use our brains a bit more; to give our anxieties to Him; to let Him carry them. Because He's not going to have distorted thinking or distorted reactions. He's God; He can handle it. And if we give our anxieties to Him, we're not going to get into those distorted cycles of anxiety either, because God's got it. He knows everything and He has plans for us, so we need to trust Him, by letting Him take care of our anxieties.

My journey in therapy has been so intertwined with my spiritual journey. I had always been told or reminded of the 'do not worry' verses but I couldn't seem to help my anxiety. In therapy I've learnt to break those cycles of anxiety and to use my brain and to think more - my therapists are constantly telling me to do this. But it was only this morning, when someone was talking about not being able to help worrying about something, that I finally realised what all those 'do not worry' verses are about; what they really mean. I always felt like I was just less of a Christian because I couldn't 'not worry'. Now I realise that I'm just human. And let's face it, if we weren't all so human, what would be the purpose of Grace?

Scared... Me?!

Ok so I actually started writing this post months ago but I never got around to completing it. And now I know why... the service at church this morning reminded me of this semi-finished post and when I came back to read it, I realised just how right the timing is for it now. Obviously it wasn't right before. So here it is. It's about fear, God, relationships and 'extravagant love'. I feel like perhaps there will be some kind of conclusion to it next week. We'll have to wait and see but in the meantime, please read and make what you will of my ever rambling-ness.


Something that I have boasted over the years is that I am scared of very little. This is true; I'm not scared of much. But when I am scared of something, the fear is crippling. It would be fair to say that this is the cause of some of my mental health problems. But, as I have mentioned before now, I am extremely stubborn. I'm also really bad at asking for help. Both of these character flaws mean that when I do come across something that scares me - terrifies me - and I feel that icy cold grip on the back of my neck and everything just seems to stop, I refuse to admit that I'm scared. More than that, I pretend like whatever it is means nothing and I then avoid it at all costs. One could say that this has gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion; and you wouldn't be wrong. One thing that therapy is -slowly - teaching me, is that I need to talk about things that scare me and ask for help with them when I need it. My stubbornness doesn't help in this matter, but I am starting to talk about things that scare me more. I used to think that admitting fear was akin to admitting weakness; that you might as well stick a massive target on your back or a sign saying, 'pick on me about this; it scares me'. The thing that I'm finding is that actually I was, yet again (I dislike the alarmingly high frequency at which this is happening), wrong. Talking about things that scare me does actually help. It helps to talk to people who perhaps have similar fears or who at least understand the feeling that if you tell people that you're scared they'll use it against you, because they are less likely to do just that. Admitting to and talking about things that I am scared of helps to diminish the fear a little; it makes the thing seem less scary. Especially when someone else chimes in to say that they're scared of that too. It makes you feel less like a freak. Though therapy is, by its very nature, full of crazy people; so the fact that they feel the same as I do, probably doesn't make me any less crazy. But at least I can be crazy with someone.
I feel like I have been working really hard at therapy. I do try to talk about things that scare me. But I'm still scared to talk about some of them. Rather ironic that I find talking about things that scare me, scary. But hey, I am my own brand of crazy. I've talked a lot about my aversion to people which, it turns out, just boils down to me being scared of how people will treat me and of being rejected (talk about serious 'daddy' issues!). I've also talked about my fear of failure; why I find normal life so difficult because I am constantly terrified of getting things wrong and of failing. When I had to leave University, due to my messed up brain, I felt like I had failed. Not just at University but at life. I was in such a bad place when I was at University that even normal everyday life was too much for me and I just wasn't looking after myself - I'm scared of going back there. When you're in that much of a state it's easy to let yourself think that you're a complete failure, at everything. And for someone who is terrified of failure, it just completely destroys you. You let it destroy you.
As a Christian, I know that I have nothing to fear. God has always and will always have His hand on my life. While I've been at therapy I've not just been learning about the psychological aspects of my mental health problems but I have also been learning about the spiritual aspects. I have found an amazing home at York City Church and I consider all of its members to be family to me. They have helped me through this time in my life to an extent that they don't even know. And I am so grateful for them. Especially considering the fact that just a year and a half ago, they didn't even know who I was. God has blessed me so richly this past year. He gave me St Andrew's, where I go for my therapy, knowing that it was perfectly right for me. Because everything He does is perfectly right. Through therapy and church, He has taught me so much about myself and about life. I have never felt so good as I do now. I am filled with joy. And it is all thanks to Him. He has helped me to realise that for so long I was in bondage, to sin and fear. And His hand on my life, His blessings, have helped me to see that I don't need to live like that, ever. Not just to see it but to truly believe it. I do not need to be afraid. I do not need to be ashamed. The funny thing is, I always knew this. I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember. I always knew all of this. But, as one of the therapists at St Andrew's loves to tell me constantly, 'knowing isn't everything'. And, as per usual, he is right. I doubt he meant for that to speak to me on a spiritual level but God works in mysterious, and often rather humorous, ways.
My emotional journey through life and therapy has been completely intertwined with my spiritual journey with God and I have frequently found that themes in my therapy seem to be linked to many of the themes talked about at my church on a Sunday morning. This morning was no exception. I've been thinking a lot about this fear thing; this isn't the first time I've visited this blog post. Recently the theme of my work at St Andrew's has been about relationships. I've had a pretty bad run when it's come to relationships in the past and so talking about relationships is pretty scary for me. So scary that I often get horrible nightmares that feel almost real. I've never really talked about my nightmares before but I know that it's something I'm going to have to do. And soon. The service at church this morning was about 'Extravagant Love' for Jesus. It may not seem like this would have anything to do with fear but it really does. The guy who was preaching talked about things that stop people from loving extravagantly. Fear was one of those things. He addressed it mostly to the men in the room, which I disagreed with actually, because I knew exactly what he was talking about when he described how that fear can affect our lives and our relationships; especially our relationship with God. And that kind of fear can and does affect anyone. Hearing the preacher talk about fear like that, even though I knew it all already, was like a revelation. And it felt like God was just using the man at the front of my church to repeat everything He'd been saying to me through therapy. When that happens it makes me even more certain that I am where God wants me to be because He just keeps driving it all home and backing it up with the Gospel. I got a real sense this morning of things just sliding into place, like the cliched pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. I realised that all of my fears and insecurities about relationships are just preventing me from extravagantly loving God and having the relationship with Him that I am meant to have. It just reminded me that I am where I need to be and that God has His hand over my life and I just need to completely trust Him. But my fear has stopped me from doing that. Over recent months I have come to trust and rely on God more, in the way that I am supposed to. But I still find it a constant battle. I know that God loves me extravagantly. He sent His only son to die, for me! That is how much He loves me. But to love Him in return, in the way that He deserves to be loved, I need to let go of my fear.
And I thought that, with only five weeks left to go at St Andrew's, the work was almost done. What a fool I have been!

difficult decisions and admitting that i *may* have been wrong

So, as those of you who know me personally will know, I was pretty damn certain that once I finished at therapy I would return to Brighton to finish my degree in Philosophy and English Literature. As you will also know, I am really stubborn. In fact that is an understatement. I am ridiculously stubborn. And I hate admitting that I am wrong. For a long while, I avoided even thinking about University; stuck in this little part of my brain that was stubbornly convinced that I would return to Brighton and everything would be great. I wouldn't even let myself admit that I was scared that actually it wouldn't be all that great; because last time I thought that it would be great and... well... look what happened there. Then, just after Christmas, my mother brought up the subject of University. It's hard for me to realise this, let alone accept it, but she's scared too. She's scared of how ill I was and of what might happen if I go back to Brighton. She may not have put it in the best way and it may have turned into an argument, but what she said basically amounted to her telling me she's scared for me, she doesn't think I'll be ready to go back to Brighton and she doesn't want to have to go through what she went through last time if it doesn't work out again. She wanted me to transfer to York St John. I didn't want to listen at first. There's a whole bunch of issues that goes along with this, like feeling stupid for failing Uni; feeling like I'm going backwards; feeling like a child, unable to look after myself; not wanting to end up like some people I know who are in their 40s and still live at home... the list goes on, and on, and on. I was also scared that York St John wouldn't accept me and then I'd never be able to finish my degree. (That may seem like a silly fear, but it's not for me. I have a very low opinion of myself and I genuinely cannot see why they would accept me.) Eventually, I realised I had to think about this stuff. In fact, after that conversation, I couldn't stop thinking about stuff. Getting my degree is what's most important to me now. I was lazy in my GCSEs and ALevels. And in my first year of my degree to an extent. And then my damned psycho brain decided to screw it all up even more. It was bound to happen eventually. Anyway... I've realised that what I really want is to get my degree, do a PGCE and become an English teacher. And whether I do those things in Brighton or in York, or even on the moon, doesn't matter. The important thing is to do them. Sure I don't want to live at home forever, and I won't, but right now, it's my best shot of getting a degree. And if therapy has taught me anything - actually, it's taught me a lot - it's taught me that sometimes, just *sometimes* mind, I can be wrong and I am too stubborn for my own good. So I decided to do something that I have never done in the history of ever, and I listened to my mother. *Pause for the shocked horror of my friends* I looked at the English Literature and Creative Writing course at York St John - they don't do Philosophy and actually I love writing so this course makes a lot of sense - and I emailed them about transferring. I had a lot of support and prayer from my friends in York. I've settled into a church here now - York City Church - and everyone has been so loving and welcoming and I have met so many people and made so many friends, the idea of leaving actually would make me incredibly sad. I would miss everyone, A LOT. So maybe staying in York could work out. Finally, after various emails and the University looking over my grades and everything, just over a week ago now, they said they would be happy to accept me as a transfer. I still have to do a UCAS form - I MUST be masochistic! - but I'm basically in. I wasn't expecting quite how happy this actually made me. I got in. And I get to stay in York, at my wonderful church, with all my wonderful friends. And my family, however much I argue with my mother at times, will be close by if I need them. So I've almost completed the dreaded UCAS form. I even made the daring step of contacting my academic advisor from Sussex to request a reference, which he agreed to do. I just have to do the personal statement. The worst part. The part that I tried to do last weekend and just ended up with hundreds of screwed up balls of paper all over my bedroom floor, and then have just avoided doing for the rest of the week. Funny how I can sit at my laptop and write this so easily and without a second's thought, but not write a personal statement - which is what I had originally intended to do when I sat down to my laptop earlier this evening. My skills of avoidance and procrastination know no bounds! - just don't tell my therapists... especially PHIL! Who wants me to write and draft and then take it into therapy for people to read and tell me if it's good and what else I can include, because apparently I'm too harsh a critic to myself and I just *think* it's crap but actually other people will be able to tell me it's not. Well this is just another of my many millions of issues... I cannot write about myself, especially not favourably, and I really think that most of what I write is a load of crap anyway so writing a personal statement is hell for me! As for letting other people at therapy see it?! No thank you! I don't want them realising that actually I'm really thick. And I'm really bad at taking criticism and practical advice so this is really just going to end badly. I did mention that I'm stubborn, right? I have this feeling that I'm going to just write it and send it and then make excuses next week, but I know that I really really shouldn't do that... So now I'm stuck. Because I know that the right thing for me therapeutically would be to do as Phil suggested and write a draft and let people at therapy help me, but I'm really so stubborn - and actually really fragile - that I don't know if I can do it... I wonder how this one is going to play out. Anyway... I have successfully avoided actually writing this damned personal statement for a good hour or so now... and I really should quit with the procrastination and just get on with it... Oh well, this was fun while it lasted. I'll post again sometime... not sure when. I'm pretty crappy when it comes to this blogging thing; I have no self-discipline - yet another issue I need to deal with, no wonder I'm in therapy!

Honesty, Fears and Infertility

On Friday September 14^th 2012 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. I had heard of PCOS but didn’t know much about it until I watched a television programme on which there was a woman who suffered from the syndrome. Some of the symptoms sounded similar to symptoms that I had been experiencing for years so I looked up the syndrome online. The symptoms include: irregular or absent periods; excessive hair growth; excessive weight gain or difficulty losing weight; severe acne, not just limited to the face, and cysts on the ovaries. Depression can also be a symptom of PCOS. I went to my GP and described the symptoms to him, asking him if it was possible that I had PCOS. My doctor said it was highly likely that I did have it and so he took some blood to test for it. The first lot of tests were inconclusive but my GP was fairly certain that I had the syndrome and so he referred me to an Endocrinologist; a specialist who deals with hormone disorders including diabetes and PCOS. I saw the Endocrinologist on the 14^th September and he did several tests, as well as a physical examination, before officially diagnosing me with PCOS.

            PCOS is caused mostly by a hormonal imbalance. The ovaries produce more male hormones than they should which affects the production of eggs and leads to the production of lots of little cysts all over the ovaries. PCOS also has an element of insulin resistance. Women who have the syndrome have an excess of insulin which increases the production of the male hormones, causing all of the symptoms. This is also what makes it difficult for women with PCOS to lose weight because their bodies cannot process sugars and starches properly. The increased weight, however, also makes the symptoms worse creating a kind of vicious cycle which is difficult to get out of.

            There are a couple of different treatments for PCOS. The usual treatment is just to take the contraceptive pill, which increases the levels of female hormone thus reducing some of the symptoms, however, this doesn’t always work especially for women with a high insulin resistance factor. A treatment that has become more frequently offered to women with insulin resistance is a drug called Metformin. Metformin is traditionally a Diabetes medication, which is why it helps with the insulin resistance. For women who receive the Metformin treatment, they are also required to dramatically alter their diets in order to help them lose weight and to allow the drug to work more effectively.

            When I saw the Endocrinologist in September he decided that the best treatment for me was the Metformin treatment. Since I saw him, I have been trying to follow the diet advice I was given, have lost some weight and have noticed some improvement in a couple of the symptoms. I saw the Endocrinologist again in December and he seemed pleased enough with the progress I had made, so he said that I wouldn’t need to see him again until next September, a year after I was first diagnosed. The diet is sometimes difficult to manage and I’m hoping to see a dietician at some point to help me get it more under control.

            So far all I’ve written about in this post is factual stuff about Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, but one fact I’ve not directly mentioned, the one that scares me most, is that PCOS can cause infertility. I’ve not written at all about how being diagnosed with PCOS has made me feel. I have always wanted children. I have never wanted anything more than to have children one day; a family of my own. And I have always had this fear, this immense, awful fear, that I won’t be able to. I used to think that I would never have children, just because I never thought that any man would want me enough to marry me and have children with me. But I let myself hope, dream, that maybe actually God would give me a husband. And then I get told that because of my PCOS I might be infertile; might never be able to have children. And that thought is almost destroying me. People keep telling me to try not to worry about it. That I can’t know for certain that I am infertile until I try for a family and get tested. That I’m just catastrophising it in my head; creating a problem that may not exist. But when your life’s hopes and dreams have been almost entirely built on something, to have even the slightest uncertainty that you will get it… it feels like the whole world has been ripped out from under you. I feel like my future has been destroyed and though I’ve been trying not to think like that and to think about other things I could do in my future, but it feels like there is this massive black hole in my life that is never going to close. And I can’t help but think that my life has no purpose, if I’m not able to have children.

            Call me melodramatic. Say I’m over-reacting. But this thing is killing me. And I just needed to tell the truth. To someone. Anyone. Everyone. I’m scared. Terrified. I just want to have children.