Read, Pray, Love: Part Two

Following on from my post Read, Pray, Love I wanted to write something more. Since writing that post, though it wasn't actually all that long ago, I have had time to think about a great many things. I went to Brighton for a few days last week to visit some friends and my baby goddaughter. Being away from York was exactly what I needed. I spent most of my time with friends but I also took some time for me. I went running along the sea front, I read a fair bit, I read my Bible and I prayed. I feel so much better physically, mentally and emotionally for having had that time to rest and to look after myself. Starting back at Uni this week after the Christmas break and after spending that much-needed time in Brighton I feel, not only prepared, but almost buzzing for what this term and my future hold. I have rediscovered my passion and enthusiasm for life and I cannot wait to get on and do things; to live life. To love life.

My new year's resolutions include to read more, to pray more and to love more. And I have decided that as a way of keeping these particular resolutions, I am going to do a kind of series of blog posts under the umbrella title Read, Pray, Love. I've not worked out any kind of schedule for the posts or even what most of the content will be. Some, if not most, of the posts are going to be based on the books that I read. Mostly Christian or psychology books. The posts may take a kind of book review format or they may take a different form completely.

Other posts are going to be about my prayer life. I am going to try and be as honest as possible in these posts, because I don't feel that enough Christians reveal how truly vulnerable and messed up they are and I am as guilty of this as the next person. So I want to express just how messed up I can be but also to show that, I may be vulnerable, but I am no more vulnerable than anyone else; I am just, simply human.

As for the final part of the Read, Pray, Love. I'm not sure how I will reflect this part in blog posts. It's going to take time for me to work out what I'll write and it could take any form or style. But I am going to try, again, to be as honest as possible in these posts. As I wrote in the first Read, Pray, Love post, I find it difficult to trust people and to love people, so I think that this is going to be the most difficult part for me. But it's going to be an interesting journey.

You will be able to find all future Read, Pray, Love posts on the Read, Pray, Love page by clicking on the tab at the top of the blog page or by following this link: Read, Pray, Love Page.

difficult decisions and admitting that i *may* have been wrong

So, as those of you who know me personally will know, I was pretty damn certain that once I finished at therapy I would return to Brighton to finish my degree in Philosophy and English Literature. As you will also know, I am really stubborn. In fact that is an understatement. I am ridiculously stubborn. And I hate admitting that I am wrong. For a long while, I avoided even thinking about University; stuck in this little part of my brain that was stubbornly convinced that I would return to Brighton and everything would be great. I wouldn't even let myself admit that I was scared that actually it wouldn't be all that great; because last time I thought that it would be great and... well... look what happened there. Then, just after Christmas, my mother brought up the subject of University. It's hard for me to realise this, let alone accept it, but she's scared too. She's scared of how ill I was and of what might happen if I go back to Brighton. She may not have put it in the best way and it may have turned into an argument, but what she said basically amounted to her telling me she's scared for me, she doesn't think I'll be ready to go back to Brighton and she doesn't want to have to go through what she went through last time if it doesn't work out again. She wanted me to transfer to York St John. I didn't want to listen at first. There's a whole bunch of issues that goes along with this, like feeling stupid for failing Uni; feeling like I'm going backwards; feeling like a child, unable to look after myself; not wanting to end up like some people I know who are in their 40s and still live at home... the list goes on, and on, and on. I was also scared that York St John wouldn't accept me and then I'd never be able to finish my degree. (That may seem like a silly fear, but it's not for me. I have a very low opinion of myself and I genuinely cannot see why they would accept me.) Eventually, I realised I had to think about this stuff. In fact, after that conversation, I couldn't stop thinking about stuff. Getting my degree is what's most important to me now. I was lazy in my GCSEs and ALevels. And in my first year of my degree to an extent. And then my damned psycho brain decided to screw it all up even more. It was bound to happen eventually. Anyway... I've realised that what I really want is to get my degree, do a PGCE and become an English teacher. And whether I do those things in Brighton or in York, or even on the moon, doesn't matter. The important thing is to do them. Sure I don't want to live at home forever, and I won't, but right now, it's my best shot of getting a degree. And if therapy has taught me anything - actually, it's taught me a lot - it's taught me that sometimes, just *sometimes* mind, I can be wrong and I am too stubborn for my own good. So I decided to do something that I have never done in the history of ever, and I listened to my mother. *Pause for the shocked horror of my friends* I looked at the English Literature and Creative Writing course at York St John - they don't do Philosophy and actually I love writing so this course makes a lot of sense - and I emailed them about transferring. I had a lot of support and prayer from my friends in York. I've settled into a church here now - York City Church - and everyone has been so loving and welcoming and I have met so many people and made so many friends, the idea of leaving actually would make me incredibly sad. I would miss everyone, A LOT. So maybe staying in York could work out. Finally, after various emails and the University looking over my grades and everything, just over a week ago now, they said they would be happy to accept me as a transfer. I still have to do a UCAS form - I MUST be masochistic! - but I'm basically in. I wasn't expecting quite how happy this actually made me. I got in. And I get to stay in York, at my wonderful church, with all my wonderful friends. And my family, however much I argue with my mother at times, will be close by if I need them. So I've almost completed the dreaded UCAS form. I even made the daring step of contacting my academic advisor from Sussex to request a reference, which he agreed to do. I just have to do the personal statement. The worst part. The part that I tried to do last weekend and just ended up with hundreds of screwed up balls of paper all over my bedroom floor, and then have just avoided doing for the rest of the week. Funny how I can sit at my laptop and write this so easily and without a second's thought, but not write a personal statement - which is what I had originally intended to do when I sat down to my laptop earlier this evening. My skills of avoidance and procrastination know no bounds! - just don't tell my therapists... especially PHIL! Who wants me to write and draft and then take it into therapy for people to read and tell me if it's good and what else I can include, because apparently I'm too harsh a critic to myself and I just *think* it's crap but actually other people will be able to tell me it's not. Well this is just another of my many millions of issues... I cannot write about myself, especially not favourably, and I really think that most of what I write is a load of crap anyway so writing a personal statement is hell for me! As for letting other people at therapy see it?! No thank you! I don't want them realising that actually I'm really thick. And I'm really bad at taking criticism and practical advice so this is really just going to end badly. I did mention that I'm stubborn, right? I have this feeling that I'm going to just write it and send it and then make excuses next week, but I know that I really really shouldn't do that... So now I'm stuck. Because I know that the right thing for me therapeutically would be to do as Phil suggested and write a draft and let people at therapy help me, but I'm really so stubborn - and actually really fragile - that I don't know if I can do it... I wonder how this one is going to play out. Anyway... I have successfully avoided actually writing this damned personal statement for a good hour or so now... and I really should quit with the procrastination and just get on with it... Oh well, this was fun while it lasted. I'll post again sometime... not sure when. I'm pretty crappy when it comes to this blogging thing; I have no self-discipline - yet another issue I need to deal with, no wonder I'm in therapy!

rambles about life

it has been a rather long time since i last posted on this blog; in fact it's been around thirteen weeks. life has been rather busy in that time. i never realised just how tiring group therapy could be. i think that now, after seventeen weeks, i am getting used to the frustration and exhaustion that comes with attending therapy three and a half days a week. though it still is extremely exhausting and i have another eight months to go! some days i wonder if i'll survive another eight months of this. actually i wonder that everyday. but some of those days i am reminded of why i put myself through it. it is helping somewhat but it's a lot of hard work and i still struggle with things; especially with being challenged about certain behaviours. this week has been especially difficult and frustrating and i have left every night with a tension headache because it's been such hard work. at the moment i am what is called 'duty member'. 'duty member' is a role in the community that involves supporting other community members if they are in distress outside of therapy spaces or if they leave the therapy space for some reason during a session. as duty member for the last three weeks i have had to be there to support people emotionally but for some reason, this week, it has been especially difficult to fulfil this role.

my faith has been very important in my journey through therapy thus far as it has helped me to understand my issues better and to remain patient through my frustrations. i have been constantly praying through my therapy; praying that i can be patient and support others. i believe that this therapy has been a real blessing from God and i really can see His hand in it, though sometimes i have to remind myself of this and pray for God to keep reminding me of this and i know that i need to keep bringing it back to Him and asking for the strength to deal with everything that comes from it. as well as everything that i am learning through my therapy, i believe that i am learning a lot in my relationship with God. i have just been invited to join a small group at church which i am really excited about and the first small group that i attended this week was a real blessing for me. i also feel that the preaches in church in the last few months have been so transforming and spirit-filled for me and i am just so excited to see what He has in store for me.

today, being the first of november, is the first day of national novel writing month. i attempted this last year but did not complete it as i gave up on my novel part way through. this year i prefer my novel and so really hope that i manage to complete it. i love writing and, though it will be difficult to manage nano with my therapy, i really want to write an actual novel. i will attempt to keep this blog updated on my progress throughout the month, though i won't make any promises.

for now, i should really use my words for my nano instead of blogging. i just really felt a pull to write a blog post kind of updating how things are going in my life. i guess the basic gist of things is that life is frustrating, hard and busy at the moment but i'm actually feeling pretty positive about life at the moment. i guess therapy really is helping.

An Exercise in Pointlessness

            So today began the third week in the mad house and this afternoon we had art therapy. As I mentioned in my post ‘Week Two in the Mad House’, I really struggle with the art therapy sessions as I just don’t get it. Today, at the beginning of the session people started to have a go at me about the fact that I prefer to write rather than draw or paint. Well, perhaps saying they were ‘having a go at me’ is a little immature, but I felt persecuted by everyone in the room. I know that the point of therapy is to make the things that are uncomfortable, comfortable, but people pressing me just makes the urge to fight or run away, even stronger. I also felt like people weren’t listening to what I was saying. Everyone kept telling me to just do whatever came to mind; to follow my instinct, but I do that through writing. Art doesn’t come naturally to me, words do, and so telling me to do what comes naturally, inspires me to write. I express myself through words; this blog is evidence of that. But no one would listen when I tried to explain this.

            Because of this I was frustrated and angry, so when it came to actually making the art I admit that I was stubborn and rebelled slightly. I spent ages looking through the art supplies for inspiration and just got more and more annoyed, but I was convinced that the therapist was making note of my stubbornness and so eventually decided to do something random just to prove how pointless it was. Pointless making me do something without feeling or meaning. I found a picture in a tattoo magazine of a tattoo of an eye. The image meant nothing to me; it was just the nicest one I saw. I cut it out and stuck it to a piece of card and then just left it at that. I called it ‘An Exercise in Pointlessness’ because I felt no connection to it; it held no meaning for me; it just felt completely pointless. After that there was still loads of time left and I still felt angry and frustrated, so I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and scrawled in large letters, taking up the entire A3 page, the question ‘WHY?’ I have felt so disillusioned with a number of things recently, the therapy being just one of them. By writing ‘why’ I was not only questioning being made to do something I didn’t want to, and thought was pointless, but I was voicing my doubts about a number of things. One might argue that by doing this I found purpose in the art therapy but I did so by using words; or at least a word. I didn’t use paint. I didn’t draw something. I wrote something. Which just proves my point that words can be ‘art’ and you don’t have to make an image.

            By this point the anger had receded slightly but I still felt like being stubborn and so, as there was still some time left, I grabbed another piece of paper. This time I just signed it and then left the rest of the page blank. My point in doing this was to express exactly what came to my mind when I entered art therapy on a Monday afternoon, NOTHING. Finally the time for creating the art was up and we had to sit and give feedback on each other’s work. Obviously people commented on mine, saying that they found it provocative and aggressive. I said that I felt apathetic towards my pieces of work but that may have been a slight lie. I did feel little towards the first piece that I did, but I was being stubborn when I said that they all meant nothing. Truthfully, I felt, and still feel, angry and upset and frustrated about the whole art therapy session and about the work I created.

            I’m still annoyed because, however childish it may be, I feel like I gave in to the pressure to create art. I was stubborn and deliberately made a point, through my work, of trying to rebel, by still using words and refusing to create something; leaving a blank page. But I gave in and produced something. And now I find myself questioning my work and the purpose and meaning that I placed upon it. I also find myself wondering why it is, exactly, that I dislike art so much. If therapy is going to make me think this much, I’m not sure I like it – and now I really am being stubborn and childish.

            I will write again soon I am sure.

God bless

KV

Week Two in the Mad House

            So I did actually go back to the group therapy thing this week. It was a difficult decision to make myself return because I really didn’t want to. But I forced myself to persevere. I realised that not to go back would only serve to spite myself. Last week, when those two community members walked out, I became upset because of my own history of storming out of therapy. I realised that if I were to not return, especially after so short a period of time, I would just be doing what I always do when I don’t like something or it becomes too difficult – running away. And if I really want to recover, I have to overcome my fears and my constant urge to run away from them.

            So as I said, I went back. Monday morning was rather uneventful but art therapy that afternoon was a struggle. I have issues with art. I am not artistic person and sometimes I just don’t get it, but my biggest problem is what is counted as ‘art’ and what is not. I work in words. I love words and I see them as art but, in the art therapy sessions, we are expected to produce an image of some kind; a drawing, a painting or even a sculpture. But not words. Or at least not just words. Both of my pieces of work that I have done in the art therapy sessions so far have been composed of just words. My first piece was just a page full of random quotes that popped into my head – I didn’t give a great deal of thought to it, I just can’t do art. But my second piece was more considered. I spent what felt like an eternity staring blankly at all of the art supplies trying to think of something to draw or paint. It was too stressful though, so I just ended up grabbing a piece of paper and a pencil and wrote a great long rant about ‘art’ and what it really is; what really constitutes ‘art’.

            Obviously people have already noticed my aversion to art and the fact that my two pieces of work thus far have been pieces of writing, and there has been discussion about it over the course of the week. On Tuesday, because another member of the community was leaving this week, there was a review of his artwork from his year on the programme. I looked at his art with everyone else but I felt a little awkward doing so as the art from the programme is a very intimate, personal thing and I had only known the guy a short while. At the review, two of the therapists asked me what I felt about the artwork and if any piece in particular affected me. Whilst talking to one of these two therapists about art and my difficulties with it, he said he found it interesting that I do not much like art because people are usually very visual. He also asked about my preoccupation with words and writing, and he made me think about why I love words so much and why I don’t like art very much. It was a difficult conversation and I still haven’t quite worked out the answers to the questions it raised.

            On Tuesday afternoon we had a session called awareness. It’s difficult to explain exactly what ‘awareness’ is about. This week we did something known as ‘empty chair’. ‘Empty chair’ is an exercise in direct communication. People took turns to sit in front of other members of the community and say something to them directly, without receiving a response, about something that has been bothering them. The subjects of the direct communications were not always grievances, but the point of the exercise was to help people with issues regarding talking to people directly, especially about difficult subjects. It also helps people listen to and accept confrontation without responding directly and immediately. I felt very uncomfortable during the session as I really struggle with confrontation. I also have problems with paranoia and rejection which mean I worry about what people think of me. This made me really anxious during the ‘empty chair’ exercise as I was terrified of the thought that someone would say something horrible to me and that they didn’t like me. No one did say anything horrible to me. In fact, the one person who did say anything to me, was very kind and said that I had done very well in the therapy so far and that I fit into the group easily. I was very grateful for what she said and she had been really encouraging. I’m still terrified that someone will say that they hate me, and I hate the thought of having to do the ‘empty chair’ exercise again, but I guess that therapy is about dealing with difficult things and the things we don’t like and are scared of.

            Wednesday mornings we have small group therapy which is when the community splits into two groups and then sit around and discuss issues within each group. In my group the discussion got around to the topic of relationships which is a difficult subject for many people, including me. During the discussion, a few people mentioned that they had put on weight almost in attempts to make themselves unattractive to people because they couldn’t deal with relationships or even attention from prospective partners. This raised an issue for me. I decided a few years ago that I no longer wanted to engage in casual relationships as I want to wait for my husband, which is very important to me, especially given my faith. I have also since realised that God wants me to remain single in order to concentrate on my recovery, and to truly find my identity in Him before growing into an identity in a relationship with someone. Around the same time as I made the decision to be single, I started to put on a lot of weight. I had believed that my weight-gain was due to the fact that I have always had problems with my weight and it has always fluctuated, a lot. I had never thought that perhaps my weight-gain was related to my decision to enter singleness but, during the discussion in small group therapy, I began to wonder if perhaps the two were actually linked. I’m still not certain of a connection, but it has made me wonder and start to examine more closely the reasons behind my current weight problem, and even my persistent issues with my weight.

            Thursday mornings consist of reviews in which two community members talk about their therapy and their goals, and receive feedback from the rest of the community and the therapists. The reviews occur for each community member once every six to eight weeks, so I will not have my first one for another few weeks yet (the thought of which terrifies me). Obviously, due to confidentiality issues, I cannot write about what is said in the reviews of other community members. After the reviews, there is check-out which involves each community member talking about how the week was for them and what they would be doing over the weekend. When it was my turn to talk about my plans for the weekend, someone suggested that I take some time to plan what I would do in art therapy the next Monday, as it had been noticed that my last two pieces had been writing. This brought laughs, especially from the therapist who had been asking me about my aversion to art on the Tuesday. I admit I pulled a face, partly because I had been caught out and partly because I really don’t like art.

            This week has brought up a lot of issues for me which I told the community I would bring into the group next week – including my dislike of art. Another issue that arose this week came from the discussion on Wednesday about relationships. I had mentioned God when talking about my decisions with regards to relationships and had explained that my faith had a lot of bearing upon my relationship choices. Everyone in the community is aware of my faith but the talk of it, especially with regards to relationships, brought up issues within the group especially for a couple of the community members who are gay. I think that these issues need exploring further and not just for the benefit of those with objections to my faith, but also because I took issue with some of the things that were said in response to my beliefs.

            I guess this suggests that I will be returning next week. I still have the same doubts about this therapy as I did before, and I still want to just run away and not go back, but I know that I need to persevere. I am already feeling some benefit from the programme, and I know that any further benefit will take time and hard work, so I will go back. And I will continue to do so for as long as it is right for me to do so. I know that this is what God wants for me and so I need to trust in that and in Him; which is a rather difficult thing for me to do.

            Prayer for the therapy and for the things it raises would be greatly appreciated and I will update again next week.

Thanks and God bless

KV

Stationary or Stationery

So as I fleetingly mentioned in my post ‘Fresh Start’ it has taken over nine months to get where I am today with regards to treatment for my depression and anxiety. Where I am now, is starting a process of assessment before undertaking a year of intensive therapy which will involve three and a half days a week of different group therapies. Where I was nine months ago, was waiting for a referral to the York Primary Mental Health Team. The last nine months have involved numerous journeys to different places for assessments and odd counselling appointments and a great deal of frustration. For all of that time I felt like I was just waiting around for other people to make decisions about my life. I felt like my entire life was on pause; like I was just at a complete standstill. Motionless.

            As I’m still in the ‘assessment phase’ for this therapeutic community things aren’t exactly speeding along, but compared to the snail’s pace of the last year it feels very sudden and very fast. I had been led to believe that there would be up to an eight month wait to even begin the ‘assessment phase’ and so when I discovered, just a couple of weeks ago, that I would be starting it so soon I began to wonder if I was ready. I’ve prayed a lot about this in the last few weeks and from the fact that I have actually started the assessment now, you can probably guess the outcome of those prayers. I know that God has been preparing me for this and that He has blessed me by bringing me to this place. I know that by trusting in Him, even when faced with the prospect of another eight months of waiting, I have grown in strength through Him. I am still anxious about things; it would be weird if I wasn’t. But I want this and I am not going to throw away such an amazing chance at recovery.

            Plans for University and leaving home to live independently may still be on stand-by for the next year or so but that doesn’t mean that my life has completely ground to a halt. In fact I have been given a chance to really live life, away from the ties that bind most people my age, like University or work. I continue to pray for the patience to follow the path God has laid down for me and to live through another year of waiting to get back to ‘normalcy’. I may have to delay some things but life continues and should be eagerly anticipating the things to come.

            As well as the group therapy, I am undertaking a kind of therapy of my own. I have always found writing to be rather cathartic. I love the ways in which I can express myself through words. And recently I have found myself rather excited about an idea I have for a novel. I won’t share my idea here, and have many reasons for not doing so. One of which is that it is still very much in the planning stage. I have the bare bones of the novel but they aren’t even connected in the right places and nowhere near being covered in flesh. This is the point at which planning comes in. The planning is vital – something I discovered when attempting to do National Novel Writing Month last year. I am now stupidly and unbelievably excited just about planning this novel. And it seems that my excitement is running away from me somewhat.

            This over-flowing excitement has somehow evolved into an excited desire to purchase lots of stationery. This obscure evolution has come about through my realisation that the planning for my novel is lacking any semblance of organisation or even sense. What began as excitement for planning my novel, soon turned into an intense excitement over the planning and organising of said planning – you can see how it got away from me slightly. Obviously this level of organisation requires much stationery; hence the monumental leap from novel planning to stationery.

            Now it has occurred to me that this post has also gotten away from me somewhat. My initial aim had been to talk about how my life had gone from stationary to stationery, in the sense that I am no longer feeling at a standstill but am rather attempting to do things with my life. It would appear that blog posts, much like novels, require planning. I did mention that this blog was going to be real; with thoughts streaming from my brain to my fingertips and onto the screen in front of me. Well this is what I think: I am not stationary.

If you managed to make any sense of this post, congratulations.

God bless

KV

Fresh Start

I haven’t posted in a while, I rather lost interest in keeping things up to date, but now I want to try harder and really make a go of this blog. When I started, I wanted to write amazingly well written, thought provoking posts but I have realised recently that I would rather just write, to get the words out of my head and down on paper, than get what I’m writing to sound perfect. There is always plenty of time for editing later if I so wish but right now is the time to be honest and real, and what’s more real than the random stream of words that just come tumbling out of my brain through my fingertips? And so, I am starting again. I am loathe to delete my earlier posts so I will just leave them where they are, gathering proverbial dust in the archives of cyberspace. Therefore I am treating this post as if it were my first and making a fresh start.

            A few things have happened in the nine months since my last post. With regards to getting treatment for my mental health problems, the progress was rather slow but suddenly things have started picking up speed. I spent a long time being referred from place to place and having numerous assessments with numerous people before being offered a course of treatment. I have also changed my medication twice in that time. The new medication seems to be working finally as my mood is definitely starting to lift, but I am still struggling with anxiety issues. The course of treatment I have been offered is a ‘therapeutic community’, which basically means group therapy. I didn’t like the idea when it was first suggested but over time and through much prayer I have decided to give it a go. I have never done group therapy before as the thought has always terrified me, but right now I am willing to try almost anything if it might help. When the programme starts properly it will consist of three and a half days involving lots of therapy and activities. It’s supposed to help with a lot of mental health problems and also with the effects that such problems have on people’s lives.

            The programme starts with one hour a week of assessment for four weeks before moving on to become a full member of the therapeutic community. This afternoon I had the first of these assessment sessions. Before I went I was really anxious and almost had a panic attack. My hands were shaking and I felt like crying and running away (an unfortunate habit of mine). I took some beta-blockers to help with the anxiety and made myself get over my fears and go. Everyone was lovely and I don’t know what I expected, but I think it went well. I was the only new person there and so a lot of the time everyone was focussed on me which I admit made me rather uncomfortable as I don’t like being the centre of attention. Despite that I felt welcomed by everyone in the group and did say that I would return next week. I really want to give this a shot as I am sick of this illness that has plagued me for over ten years of my life and I really believe that it is what God wants for me. It is what I want for myself. And though the road may be scary, the destination is somewhere I really want to get to so I am determined to stick with it (unlike any other therapy I’ve had over the years).

            As I mentioned earlier, the medication I am now on for my depression has helped in lifting my mood but another thing that I think has aided that part of my recovery is the fact that I have taken up running. I signed up to do the race for life for Cancer Research UK and have been trying to go for runs regularly. I was extremely unfit and over-weight when I started (and still am) but I am doing better than I did at first and though I don’t think I’ll be able to run the whole 5km, I have lost some weight and feel better for the exercise. Also, if I manage to complete the race I think that it will help build my confidence, having achieved a goal.

            Other things I have been up to recently are not as interesting to others as the things I have just mentioned. As always, I have been reading a lot. I am supposed to be writing book reviews for a friend’s blog but so far I’ve only actually written one. I need to get on track with that. Then there is my creative writing blog which at the moment only contains poems I wrote ages ago as I haven’t written any recently. I am however writing a new novel at the moment. I’ve only just started writing it but I am really excited about it, I think it’s going to be fun to write. I’m also doing a creative writing course at the moment. It’s the second one I’ve done recently and I’m rather enjoying it. I found the first one I did really enjoyable too and there’s going to be a book published of the work we did and a showcase for it in a couple of weeks. I’m not very confident in my writing ability but I do think that the showcase thing will help to build my confidence a bit.

            I don’t think I have much else to write about. Life here plods on, though it does seem to be beginning to gain some speed at last. I am finally looking forward to the future more and am intent on returning to university. I’m trying to take things one step at a time and working through problems instead of just running away from them. I really do want to recover and by God’s Grace I finally believe that it can happen. It has taken a considerable amount of time to come even this far but to me it feels like a massive step and it is all going in the right direction. For now I am going to leave things here but I do intend to keep this updated about things going on in my life and how I feel about them.

God bless

KV