New Year

So it is that time of year when you start looking back at the year you've had and looking forward to the year ahead. Well at least that's what I do. I've always done the whole New Years Resolutions thing and re-write my five-year-plan every year. And I used to use it as a way of telling myself how crap I've been and how much better I need to be. But in recent years I've begun to look not at just the bad things, but at how far I've come and at all of the good things I, and my friends, have achieved. This year has been pretty spectacular for me. I finished St Andrew's, I went back to University, I handed in my first essays in about three years and I did really well in them. I also made loads of new friends, have had a lot of fun, have laughed more than I think I ever have before in my life and have actually worked hard at something for the first time in my life - I'm talking about St Andrew's here, but I've kind of continued the hard work into Uni as well. I actually like life most of the time and I like being around people. And I have been massively blessed to see all of your achievements as well. I am so proud of all of my friends! This year has been a good year. And we have the power to make next year even better. And that is what I intend to do. So, I have made my New Years Resolutions and I have re-evaluated my five-year-plan and I thought I would share them with you.

These are my resolutions, in no particular order:
1. Lose weight/get fit

2. Work harder
3. Be more organised
4. Have better focus
5. Write more (for pleasure as well as work)
6. Read more (see above)
7. Keep a journal/blog/both
8. Be wiser with money
9. Try to get a job
10. Learn to like myself
11. Have fun
12. Complain less
13. Love more
14. Practise patience
15. Read Bible more
16. Pray more
17. Volunteer
18. Rewrite five-year-plan
19. Be healthy and happy
20. Take pride in my appearance

I know there are quite a lot, but I feel like they are balanced and actually easily manageable. I'm not setting ridiculous goals or impossible regimes for myself. I've included fun things and things that I enjoy. I'm not punishing myself for things that I've done wrong or just failed to do this last year. It is probably the best list of New Years Resolutions that I have ever made. And I really have a feeling that next year will be a good year - thanks to everything I've learnt and done and all of the people I've met this year.

I have already started number 18, rewriting my five-year-plan, and for once in all of the years that I've written and rewritten my five-year-plan, I haven't included anything romantic. Because I figure, you can't plan for that and I want to be surprised. I want to enjoy my life and whatever comes along and if I get to enjoy that with someone then great, but it's not necessary to have someone, and it would be even better for that to be a surprise relationship rather than something I've tried to plan for. If that makes sense. My five-year-plan mostly involves finishing Uni, getting a job, travelling, writing, volunteering and eventually doing a PGCE. I may not stick to it; I don't think I've ever stuck to my five-year-plans - but I feel like it's a good plan. It's a healthy plan. And I can't wait to get started.

I've actually been thinking about and re-evaluating a lot recently. It probably is mostly to do with this time of year and the fact that I always do it but my head has been in a weird place recently and I guess I've just been thinking about a number of things, including the sort of person I want to be and this has led to a change in some of my thinking. I'm not sure I want to clarify that anymore right now but I feel like it's important to mark that my head has been in a weird space recently and may continue to be so for a little while longer while I work some more things out. But at the end of the day, I am okay. I'm doing well, actually. So don't worry about me, I actually will be fine.

Happy New Year!

Honesty, Fears and Infertility

On Friday September 14^th 2012 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. I had heard of PCOS but didn’t know much about it until I watched a television programme on which there was a woman who suffered from the syndrome. Some of the symptoms sounded similar to symptoms that I had been experiencing for years so I looked up the syndrome online. The symptoms include: irregular or absent periods; excessive hair growth; excessive weight gain or difficulty losing weight; severe acne, not just limited to the face, and cysts on the ovaries. Depression can also be a symptom of PCOS. I went to my GP and described the symptoms to him, asking him if it was possible that I had PCOS. My doctor said it was highly likely that I did have it and so he took some blood to test for it. The first lot of tests were inconclusive but my GP was fairly certain that I had the syndrome and so he referred me to an Endocrinologist; a specialist who deals with hormone disorders including diabetes and PCOS. I saw the Endocrinologist on the 14^th September and he did several tests, as well as a physical examination, before officially diagnosing me with PCOS.

            PCOS is caused mostly by a hormonal imbalance. The ovaries produce more male hormones than they should which affects the production of eggs and leads to the production of lots of little cysts all over the ovaries. PCOS also has an element of insulin resistance. Women who have the syndrome have an excess of insulin which increases the production of the male hormones, causing all of the symptoms. This is also what makes it difficult for women with PCOS to lose weight because their bodies cannot process sugars and starches properly. The increased weight, however, also makes the symptoms worse creating a kind of vicious cycle which is difficult to get out of.

            There are a couple of different treatments for PCOS. The usual treatment is just to take the contraceptive pill, which increases the levels of female hormone thus reducing some of the symptoms, however, this doesn’t always work especially for women with a high insulin resistance factor. A treatment that has become more frequently offered to women with insulin resistance is a drug called Metformin. Metformin is traditionally a Diabetes medication, which is why it helps with the insulin resistance. For women who receive the Metformin treatment, they are also required to dramatically alter their diets in order to help them lose weight and to allow the drug to work more effectively.

            When I saw the Endocrinologist in September he decided that the best treatment for me was the Metformin treatment. Since I saw him, I have been trying to follow the diet advice I was given, have lost some weight and have noticed some improvement in a couple of the symptoms. I saw the Endocrinologist again in December and he seemed pleased enough with the progress I had made, so he said that I wouldn’t need to see him again until next September, a year after I was first diagnosed. The diet is sometimes difficult to manage and I’m hoping to see a dietician at some point to help me get it more under control.

            So far all I’ve written about in this post is factual stuff about Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, but one fact I’ve not directly mentioned, the one that scares me most, is that PCOS can cause infertility. I’ve not written at all about how being diagnosed with PCOS has made me feel. I have always wanted children. I have never wanted anything more than to have children one day; a family of my own. And I have always had this fear, this immense, awful fear, that I won’t be able to. I used to think that I would never have children, just because I never thought that any man would want me enough to marry me and have children with me. But I let myself hope, dream, that maybe actually God would give me a husband. And then I get told that because of my PCOS I might be infertile; might never be able to have children. And that thought is almost destroying me. People keep telling me to try not to worry about it. That I can’t know for certain that I am infertile until I try for a family and get tested. That I’m just catastrophising it in my head; creating a problem that may not exist. But when your life’s hopes and dreams have been almost entirely built on something, to have even the slightest uncertainty that you will get it… it feels like the whole world has been ripped out from under you. I feel like my future has been destroyed and though I’ve been trying not to think like that and to think about other things I could do in my future, but it feels like there is this massive black hole in my life that is never going to close. And I can’t help but think that my life has no purpose, if I’m not able to have children.

            Call me melodramatic. Say I’m over-reacting. But this thing is killing me. And I just needed to tell the truth. To someone. Anyone. Everyone. I’m scared. Terrified. I just want to have children.