New Year

So it is that time of year when you start looking back at the year you've had and looking forward to the year ahead. Well at least that's what I do. I've always done the whole New Years Resolutions thing and re-write my five-year-plan every year. And I used to use it as a way of telling myself how crap I've been and how much better I need to be. But in recent years I've begun to look not at just the bad things, but at how far I've come and at all of the good things I, and my friends, have achieved. This year has been pretty spectacular for me. I finished St Andrew's, I went back to University, I handed in my first essays in about three years and I did really well in them. I also made loads of new friends, have had a lot of fun, have laughed more than I think I ever have before in my life and have actually worked hard at something for the first time in my life - I'm talking about St Andrew's here, but I've kind of continued the hard work into Uni as well. I actually like life most of the time and I like being around people. And I have been massively blessed to see all of your achievements as well. I am so proud of all of my friends! This year has been a good year. And we have the power to make next year even better. And that is what I intend to do. So, I have made my New Years Resolutions and I have re-evaluated my five-year-plan and I thought I would share them with you.

These are my resolutions, in no particular order:
1. Lose weight/get fit

2. Work harder
3. Be more organised
4. Have better focus
5. Write more (for pleasure as well as work)
6. Read more (see above)
7. Keep a journal/blog/both
8. Be wiser with money
9. Try to get a job
10. Learn to like myself
11. Have fun
12. Complain less
13. Love more
14. Practise patience
15. Read Bible more
16. Pray more
17. Volunteer
18. Rewrite five-year-plan
19. Be healthy and happy
20. Take pride in my appearance

I know there are quite a lot, but I feel like they are balanced and actually easily manageable. I'm not setting ridiculous goals or impossible regimes for myself. I've included fun things and things that I enjoy. I'm not punishing myself for things that I've done wrong or just failed to do this last year. It is probably the best list of New Years Resolutions that I have ever made. And I really have a feeling that next year will be a good year - thanks to everything I've learnt and done and all of the people I've met this year.

I have already started number 18, rewriting my five-year-plan, and for once in all of the years that I've written and rewritten my five-year-plan, I haven't included anything romantic. Because I figure, you can't plan for that and I want to be surprised. I want to enjoy my life and whatever comes along and if I get to enjoy that with someone then great, but it's not necessary to have someone, and it would be even better for that to be a surprise relationship rather than something I've tried to plan for. If that makes sense. My five-year-plan mostly involves finishing Uni, getting a job, travelling, writing, volunteering and eventually doing a PGCE. I may not stick to it; I don't think I've ever stuck to my five-year-plans - but I feel like it's a good plan. It's a healthy plan. And I can't wait to get started.

I've actually been thinking about and re-evaluating a lot recently. It probably is mostly to do with this time of year and the fact that I always do it but my head has been in a weird place recently and I guess I've just been thinking about a number of things, including the sort of person I want to be and this has led to a change in some of my thinking. I'm not sure I want to clarify that anymore right now but I feel like it's important to mark that my head has been in a weird space recently and may continue to be so for a little while longer while I work some more things out. But at the end of the day, I am okay. I'm doing well, actually. So don't worry about me, I actually will be fine.

Happy New Year!

forsan et haec olim meminisse iuvabit...

The Latin title of this post is taken from book 1 of Virgil's 'The Aeneid' and roughly translates to 'perhaps some day it will help to have remembered these things'. I came across this quote a few months ago and, ever since, it has come to hold a great deal of significance for me. To me, this phrase is rich in meaning. The way I understand it, it means that, put simply; the things we experience and learn in the present, will be important in the future, so we should remember them. For me personally, this relates to this last year in therapy - I'm even planning on getting it tattooed on my wrist to signify my time at St Andrew's. I have learnt so much during my time in group therapy; it has literally changed my life. But that doesn't mean that I'm 'cured' or 'recovered'. With mental health problems, it's difficult to say if you'll ever be 'recovered'. But everything that I have learnt and experienced has helped me to deal with or manage my issues. They're not completely gone, I may always be prone to suffering from mental health problems, but now they don't seem as big and scary; they don't control me anymore. Now that I'm coming to the end of my time at St Andrew's (I leave next Thursday) the important thing is that I remember everything that I have learnt, and to keep using it. So I don't go back to letting my issues control me - I don't have any intention of letting this happen, but I can't allow myself to become complacent, it's still going to take a lot of hard work.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about leaving. St Andrew's has been a massive part of my life for the last year. Part of me can't believe that it's been a year already. When I started, a year seemed like an eternity, but now it feels like hardly any time at all. The changes I see in myself, and others see in me, I never would have believed possible. I feel like a completely different person. If you'd told me, this time last year, what I'd be like now, I would not have listened to you. I have so much to be thankful to St Andrew's for. And most of it has been thanks to all of the people I have met there. I never wanted to do group therapy. I used to say that I hated people. I was seriously, socially inept. But everyone I've met through St Andrew's has helped me in some way and I've made some real friends who will always be important to me. Also, the staff have just been amazing and I really feel close to them. Before St Andrew's, I'd had a lot of therapy and I'd hated all of ti; especially the therapists and counsellors themselves. So actually liking the therapists at St Andrew's is different for me. And most people who knew me before I started the programme, myself included, didn't think I'd stay very long at all. I had a habit of not turning up to things, or just leaving and never going back. But I have had almost full attendance for the whole year at St Andrew's. And that's huge for me. I am really going to miss the place. And everyone there.

Though I will be sad to leave and I'll miss it; I'm also looking forward to leaving. Change used to seriously terrify me, but now I realise that things need to change in order to get better. And though I'm anxious about the change of leaving St Andrew's, I know that it's the right time for me to leave and to move on to other things; maybe better things. Also, I start University again in September and I'm really excited about it. I want to get back to studying and, this time, be an 'ordinary' student; because there's nothing wrong with being 'ordinary'. I'm also looking forward to leaving because I really need a job, to earn some money, before I start Uni. And St Andrew's has helped me to find the confidence to go out there and job hunt and to be able to work, when I finally, hopefully, get a job. I'm actually looking forward to meeting new people and being out in the real world.

Trying to write about everything that I have learnt in this last year would take, well, probably a year. Maybe even longer. And most of it probably wouldn't make sense to anyone but me. Hell, even I probably wouldn't understand half of it. I just know that I will never forget my time at St Andrew's and everything I have learnt there. In fact, I really ought to make an effort to remember it all, because...

...perhaps, some day, it will help to have remembered these things.

happily ever after part two

At church this morning I was thinking about books. (See my post on my writing blog, Happily Ever Afters.) I was thinking about how popular literature is currently very fantasy based; how it is an escape from real life. The preach at church was about 'What happens when we die?' and Pete, who was speaking, focused on how any works you do now, as a work for the Lord, will not be in vain. He cited 1 Corinthians 15:58, which says, 'Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labour is not in vain.' The preach was very good and I took a lot away from it, but it made me think about the Bible. As a Christian, I believe that the Bible is the word of God; that it is His truth. Pete also talked about hope. Hope doesn't have the answers, nor is it a form of escapism. But God gives us hope in order that we might persist and persevere; that what we do now in His name and in hope, will not be in vain. I was also thinking about how, psychologically speaking, faith seems to fulfil the desires of the human mind, especially my desires. Many psychologists believe that God was created by man to fulfil these desires and that believing in Him is just a fantasy; an escape. But unlike the fantasy books I read to escape from real life, the Bible is true. It doesn't give us an escape from life; it helps us to deal with life, with God. It gives us hope. And teaches us to live life in such a way that, though it isn't perfect, we can be joyful in God. More people should turn to the Bible rather than fiction, because it is the truth and it maintains us and gives us hope. Perhaps if we turned to God more, we wouldn't be so desperate to escape our lives. The only thing the Bible really has in common with fantasy fiction is the 'happily ever after'.

This post is rather unfocused and probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me, so I apologise if you think it's a load of rubbish. But it made sense in my head. In the strange way that things in my head make sense...