So
I have survived another week in the mad house, making my time there a total of
four weeks. Community meeting on Monday morning saw my admission of
self-harming the night before and a futile discussion about the person who didn’t
turn up on the Thursday before. Community meeting followed by small group which
was much the same as always; we sat in a group and talked about things and most
of it was dominated by the same person. By lunch little of note had happened.
After
lunch was art therapy, which I have already established as my worst session,
but I had decided to try and have a at it. The session always starts with
everyone discussing the work from the previous week. People commented on mine
and asked me how I felt about it. I said that it had been stubborn and I had
been trying to prove a point but that I would, in future, try harder in the art
sessions. Somehow, what was supposed to be a positive thing turned into yet
another argument and, though I had intended to try not to rise to it and meet
aggression with aggression, I admit that I reverted to my old habit of fighting
back. I was already angry and upset with myself about the weekend and cutting
myself the night before and so, when people started having a go at me, I got
upset. At some point the argument abated and we got on with the art bit of the
session. I drew a TARDIS. For the most part my reason behind that choice was
because I like Doctor Who but the more I thought about it I realised that the
TARDIS does have some symbolic meaning; it is bigger on the inside which feels
like me because I do have a lot to give but it’s all on the inside and I don’t
always show it on the outside. Also, the chameleon filter on the TARDIS is
broken, which means it is always stuck as a police telephone box, and sometimes
it feels like I am permanently stuck as this fat, pathetic, depressed person
but I don’t want to be.
After
the time for doing art was up we had to sit and discuss what we had done.
Unfortunately this discussion just resulted in further arguments because it appears
that some community members think that there is a divide between the two small
groups. One person in particular went as far as to say that they thought that
some of the members in the small group that I’m in seem to get more attention
because they cry or get aggressive or storm out. This upset a few people and
when it was nearly time for the session to end, though the therapist hadn’t
actually called time, the person who had said that some people were just
attention seeking walked out. Half a minute later the therapist called time and
the rest of the community left the room but by that time the person who had
stormed out had already gone home. I left to go home feeling absolutely rubbish
because I felt like all the arguments had been my fault and that everyone
thought I was just an attention seeker. I know that isn’t completely true and
that it was just my paranoia making me think that but I do often think that I
am just an attention seeker and I felt really persecuted by the guy.
On
the Tuesday morning I really didn’t want to go back to the mad house. I felt
paranoid and anxious and didn’t want to be around people, but I made myself go
and face everyone. The guy who had stormed out of art the day before, however,
did not turn up which only served to make me feel even worse. In the community
meeting I apologised to the rest of the community for my behaviour in art but I
had really wanted to apologise to the guy who had stormed out, so I was annoyed
that he hadn’t turned up and I thought that he was just being childish. Large
group therapy was difficult. The general atmosphere was so tense and, although
no arguments broke out, it was a horrible place to be and was really
anxiety-provoking. Everyone was really glad to get out of the room when time
was called and when it came to TBC I was pleased that it was housekeeping because
it meant that I could do something active rather than just sitting around
talking.
That
afternoon was awareness which just makes me think of PSHE in school or
something. The session started, as usual, with a couple of warm-up games then
it was decided that the main topic would be a role-play around the theme of
assertiveness, especially when dealing with receptionists at doctors’
surgeries. We had already done something about assertiveness recently but I
didn’t complain because it meant that I could just sit back and watch and it
was far removed from the frustrations and the conflicts of the day before.
Awareness went rather quickly and again I was glad to get away at the end of
the day and go home.
On
Wednesday morning I didn’t want to go in again, but again I made myself. The
guy who walked out on Monday afternoon was back but community meeting did
little to deal with the fact that he had walked out and then not even come in
on the Tuesday. He said that he wanted to leave the programme completely and
that he had only come in to talk about leaving because people had asked him to.
This made me feel even worse and my brain kept telling me that it was all my
fault – I really need to sort out this paranoia because it’s driving me insane.
I had wanted to bring it in to small group but struggled to find an appropriate
gap in the flow of the conversation. Again I got frustrated because one person
just seemed to dominate the entire session – like always – and another person
just sulked and said he wanted the group to vote him out because he didn’t want
to be there anymore, which I just thought was him being childish and wanting to
know that people cared and wanted him to be there. To be honest I’m getting
rather sick of middle-aged men having temper tantrums – they’re just acting
like two-year-olds.
After
lunch was working party. I had thought that we had reached some kind of
conclusion on the subject we had been discussing the week before but apparently
other people thought otherwise. The conversation started to turn into another
argument and I was getting extremely frustrated with people just talking over
each other. By the end of it I just wanted to leave the mad house and never go
back. I probably sound like such a drama queen but I am getting really pissed
off with the place and sometimes I just can’t take all the stress and the
arguing. After working party it was PAG which actually went quite well because
there was a potential new member there so the session was pretty much spent
doing her assessment so I didn’t have to do or say anything. After group was
also pretty uneventful. Everyone was tired and just wanted to leave so when
time was called everyone was glad to get out of there – especially me.
On
Thursday morning after community meeting it was reviews. That day was the
review of the guy who had walked out of art on the Monday. People had managed
to persuade him to stay for his review and I was actually glad that he was there
because, though he had acted childishly, so had I and I wanted to apologise to
him for shouting at him on Monday. By the end of the reviews I felt a little
better because I had been able to apologise and the guy had come up to me and
said thanks for doing so. Check-out and lunch were good and, before I knew it,
it was the end of my fourth week in the mad house.
I
am planning on going in tomorrow, so I should probably go and get some sleep
now. But before I do; a couple of prayer requests. Prayers for the week ahead
would be greatly appreciated and please pray about my current struggles with
paranoia; it’s really bothering me. Also, please pray that I don’t get so frustrated
and annoyed with people so quickly and that I can learn to manage those
feelings better. Last week was a real lesson for me in patience and in not
fighting back when people push me – I still have to work on those things – but I
am getting there slowly and maybe, with the help of the therapy programme, I’ll
start to get better.
Thanks and God bless
KV
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