This post is rather late; I wrote it last Friday but
I’ve been really busy and tired and just haven’t had chance to post it until
now.
So
the other day I wrote about art therapy last Monday afternoon in my post ‘An Exercise in Pointlessness’. In writing that post, and throughout the rest of
the week, I realised that I had just been incredibly stubborn and even
childish. I have my reasons for disliking art therapy, but sometimes we have to
do things we don’t like. And also, looking back on the event now and being hit
by just how stubborn and provocative I’d been (hindsight is always 20:20) I
learnt that a large part of my response came from the fact that people
challenged me, and when pushed, I push back. I’m not making excuses it’s just
that I had never really noticed this before, because I never really took the
time to acknowledge and examine these things. I can’t say that this discovery
is a surprise, or a shock, as such, because it makes a lot of sense; it has just
taken a long time to clear away the fog of so many (mostly irrational) thoughts
in order to see things clearly. I have now decided to try art, and try to get
something out of it, and to use the space on Monday afternoon to explore why I
react in this way to things I don’t like. I have a feeling it’s going to be a
struggle, because my initial reaction is to fight it.
On
Tuesday the sharing out of jobs in community group led to conflict when some of
the community members didn’t want to put themselves forward for jobs. Other
members challenged people about their aversions to jobs but somehow the
discussion ended in rather heated arguments. This seemed to set the tone for
the rest of the day. Large group therapy just seemed to be an extension of the
same argument that occurred in community meeting, with the same people
repeating the same tired arguments and then not listening to one another. The
session felt somewhat wasted and there was a lot of stress and tension within
the community.
Things
came to a head in the ‘To be Confirmed’ (TBC) session right before lunch. TBC
is a difficult session as the structure is different from the rest of the time
there. The last two weeks, as people were leaving, there were exhibitions of
their art from the whole year, held during TBC. This week, however, the slot
was a designated ‘creative’ session – though I’m not quite sure what that
entails. At the beginning of the session, it was pointed out that the session
should actually have been set for someone to demonstrate a skill to the group –
an exercise in public speaking – but the person whose turn it was supposed to
be had altered the schedule in order to put it off for their own personal
reasons – which I cannot share due to confidentiality issues. This led into
more discussion about jobs and people not taking responsibility for their
actions. I know that I have been guilty of this myself and so felt that the
reaction of some of the other community members was rather extreme.
More
arguments ensued and it got rather heated. I don’t much like conflict – though it
may sometimes appear otherwise – and so got extremely anxious and had a panic
attack. Before now I would have left the room when the panic attack came on, if
not before, but I forced myself to stay in my seat, despite the intense urge to
just run away. For all the argument about of structure, the structure for the
session went completely out of the window, and anarchy and chaos presided. This
only added to my distress and anxiety, as I need structure and routine. The
arguments just kept going around in circles, with several people really getting
on my nerves – this is why I don’t like people. Finally time was called and I
rushed out of the room wanting air (it had been so stuffy in the therapy room)
and to go home. I didn’t leave but I was still very upset and mistakenly
started discussing what had happened, with another community member, in the
social space. As this is breaking a ground rule I was advised to stop talking
about it and bring it in to a therapy session; which I intend to do properly
next week.
Awareness
that afternoon was not as bad as the morning. The main theme was body language
and there was some discussion on the topic and a little role play. I was
exhausted from the morning so the calmer atmosphere was greatly appreciated.
When awareness was over I could go home. I was completely drained but had an
appointment with my doctor that evening and so couldn’t just go home and rest.
The appointment went well and talking about how the therapy was going actually
helped me to put my feelings about it in perspective after such a stressful
day. It seems that thus far my general feelings about it are positive.
Wednesday
morning in community meeting, unfortunately the arguments started all over
again. I tried to stay calm and rational but failed miserably and when it came
to small group therapy, and the conflict still continued, I started to have
another panic attack. Again I did actually manage to stay seated. It was
difficult, but I am grateful to one person in particular who tried to diffuse
the situation. Towards the end of the session a kind of vague resolution was
made, but I still felt very anxious and stressed.
I
had been selected to take part in Working Party, which takes place on Wednesday
afternoons, immediately after lunch. Working Party consists of six community
members and two therapists who discuss practical issues that affect the
community. I didn’t particularly want to do it because I am not good at taking
responsibility, but in the community that’s a reason to do it; I just feel it’s
a bit soon - this week was only my third week. Despite my reservations it went
quite well. We only discussed one point and at times it felt repetitive and I
got frustrated with people talking over one another but by the end of the
meeting it felt like we had actually achieved something, though it seemed a
small thing.
PAG
followed Working Party, and again it went well. There was one person new to PAG
and two people who were nearing the end of their assessment (as well as some
other community members and two therapists). The two who were near the end of
their assessment completed it in the session and were invited to start full
time from Monday; so on Monday we will have two new members, making our numbers
up to fourteen (not including the therapists).
After
PAG the whole community joined back together for After Group to discuss how
both the previous sessions, and the day generally, had gone. By this time I was
exhausted and really did not need more conflict. For the most part it went
smoothly but were a couple of times when people got agitated and even
aggressive. I think it’s fair to say that Tuesday and Wednesday were not great
days; everyone was frustrated, annoyed and upset and people just weren’t
listening to each other. It strikes me that, unless people actually listen to
what other community members say, group therapy won’t work and the community
will just fall apart.
On
Thursday, as I have previously explained, we are only in for the morning. We
had boundaries and reviews, and then came to check-out. In check-out I
explained that I was going to Brighton at the weekend for a wedding. I was
really anxious about the journey and it was really stressful and
anxiety-provoking, but I made it all the way to Brighton. I was also really
anxious about the weekend as a whole. It was the first time I was going to be
in Brighton since I left last summer and so I hadn’t seen anyone for over a
year. I also hadn’t been away from home alone in all that time, let alone as
far as Brighton. Then there was the anxiety over seeing people. I love my
friends from Brighton and still keep in touch with some of them but, having
been away so long, I have missed things. I also feel that I have changed a lot
in the course of the year and so I worried that they wouldn’t have still liked
me. I know that it was just my paranoia and anxiety that made me feel that way
but I was really scared. Finally, I had been having a fat week, so I didn’t
particularly feel like getting all dressed up for a wedding, even though I
really wanted to be there. So (back to the point of this particular post) after
I had explained this to the group, I went on to say that I had found the week
very stressful and anxiety-provoking. After I had finished speaking, one of the
therapists said that I “have a strong voice”. At the time I just responded with
“I don’t feel it sometimes” but since, I have been wondering what exactly he
meant by that comment, because I am not exactly sure. I think I might have to
ask him for clarification because my paranoia is still doing over-time.
The
morning actually passed without conflict. One person was away but, though I
wonder about it, I know that it wasn’t the whole reason behind the change in
atmosphere from the Wednesday to the Thursday. That lunchtime we had a birthday
lunch for a community member. I baked brownies for it and they seemed to go
down well so that made me feel a little better about myself. That afternoon, I
met my best friend in town, which seems to be becoming a weekly ritual, and
ranted at her about the stresses and anxieties of the week. I am so blessed to
have that woman in my life and I feel sorry for her having to listen to me
complain all the time. However much I complain though, I have come to realise
that I am blessed to have the opportunity to be part of the therapy programme.
It may be frustrating at times, and very hard work, but I have already seen and
felt some benefit. Please pray that it keeps working and I keep seeing the
benefits.
Thanks and God bless
KV
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