The Latin title of this post is taken from book 1 of Virgil's 'The Aeneid' and roughly translates to 'perhaps some day it will help to have remembered these things'. I came across this quote a few months ago and, ever since, it has come to hold a great deal of significance for me. To me, this phrase is rich in meaning. The way I understand it, it means that, put simply; the things we experience and learn in the present, will be important in the future, so we should remember them. For me personally, this relates to this last year in therapy - I'm even planning on getting it tattooed on my wrist to signify my time at St Andrew's. I have learnt so much during my time in group therapy; it has literally changed my life. But that doesn't mean that I'm 'cured' or 'recovered'. With mental health problems, it's difficult to say if you'll ever be 'recovered'. But everything that I have learnt and experienced has helped me to deal with or manage my issues. They're not completely gone, I may always be prone to suffering from mental health problems, but now they don't seem as big and scary; they don't control me anymore. Now that I'm coming to the end of my time at St Andrew's (I leave next Thursday) the important thing is that I remember everything that I have learnt, and to keep using it. So I don't go back to letting my issues control me - I don't have any intention of letting this happen, but I can't allow myself to become complacent, it's still going to take a lot of hard work.
I have a lot of mixed feelings about leaving. St Andrew's has been a massive part of my life for the last year. Part of me can't believe that it's been a year already. When I started, a year seemed like an eternity, but now it feels like hardly any time at all. The changes I see in myself, and others see in me, I never would have believed possible. I feel like a completely different person. If you'd told me, this time last year, what I'd be like now, I would not have listened to you. I have so much to be thankful to St Andrew's for. And most of it has been thanks to all of the people I have met there. I never wanted to do group therapy. I used to say that I hated people. I was seriously, socially inept. But everyone I've met through St Andrew's has helped me in some way and I've made some real friends who will always be important to me. Also, the staff have just been amazing and I really feel close to them. Before St Andrew's, I'd had a lot of therapy and I'd hated all of ti; especially the therapists and counsellors themselves. So actually liking the therapists at St Andrew's is different for me. And most people who knew me before I started the programme, myself included, didn't think I'd stay very long at all. I had a habit of not turning up to things, or just leaving and never going back. But I have had almost full attendance for the whole year at St Andrew's. And that's huge for me. I am really going to miss the place. And everyone there.
Though I will be sad to leave and I'll miss it; I'm also looking forward to leaving. Change used to seriously terrify me, but now I realise that things need to change in order to get better. And though I'm anxious about the change of leaving St Andrew's, I know that it's the right time for me to leave and to move on to other things; maybe better things. Also, I start University again in September and I'm really excited about it. I want to get back to studying and, this time, be an 'ordinary' student; because there's nothing wrong with being 'ordinary'. I'm also looking forward to leaving because I really need a job, to earn some money, before I start Uni. And St Andrew's has helped me to find the confidence to go out there and job hunt and to be able to work, when I finally, hopefully, get a job. I'm actually looking forward to meeting new people and being out in the real world.
Trying to write about everything that I have learnt in this last year would take, well, probably a year. Maybe even longer. And most of it probably wouldn't make sense to anyone but me. Hell, even I probably wouldn't understand half of it. I just know that I will never forget my time at St Andrew's and everything I have learnt there. In fact, I really ought to make an effort to remember it all, because...
...perhaps, some day, it will help to have remembered these things.
Friday, 21 June 2013
Tuesday, 11 June 2013
don't worry, about a thing...
There are a lot of Bible verses that tell us 'do not worry' or, in some versions it is written as, 'do not be anxious'. Matthew 6: 25-27; Matthew 6: 34; Philippians 4: 6-7, and many more. These verses are all, basically, saying 'don't worry because God will look after everything, no matter what happens.' And as Christians we are frequently reminded of these many 'do not worry' verses. The thought that often springs to my mind when people spout 'do not worry...' at me is, 'easier said than done'. Anxiety is a very natural, human response; it's part of the whole 'fight or flight' thing. And having suffered from quite severe anxiety, for many years, I know a fair bit about it.
In therapy, a few months ago, one of the therapists did a session about anxiety. It was all stuff that I knew but it was different listening to someone else talking about it and explaining it in terms of it being a physiological thing, not a mental thing. Anxiety is a very physical reaction; increased heart rate, quickening breath, sweating, dizziness, shaking are all physical symptoms. Are all symptoms of anxiety. These physical symptoms are a result of a quick release of adrenaline into the body. This release of adrenaline and the onset of these symptoms are what help us to decide if a situation is too risky or dangerous, and, whether we should fight the scary, dangerous thing or just run away from it. Without adrenaline we would be able to do either of those things (we wouldn't have the strength needed to fight, or the speed needed to run away). It's a self-preservation thing.
A problem with anxiety, however, is that this physical reaction may be in response to something that really isn't actually that dangerous, or, is even just an imagined danger. The mind can find or create any number of reasons to be anxious, thus setting off the physical anxiety response. Another problem with anxiety is our response to the feeling of anxiety itself. We may decide that the feeling of anxiety is too much to bear and so we remove what we perceive to be the cause of that feeling, and the symptoms go away; we start to feel better. The problem that then arises is that, because the mind has decided, rightly or wrongly, that something specific is the cause of that feeling, the next time we come across that thing we respond in the same way; by getting anxious. And, because last time you got anxious about that thing you ran away and then felt better, you believe that the best thing to do this time, is to run away again. The more this happens, the quicker the body reacts to the burst of adrenaline and the harder it is not to run away. This quickly develops into a cycle of distorted thinking, that becomes very difficult to break.
Now, going back slightly, I mentioned that the mind will find or create any number of reasons to be anxious; they don't necessarily have to be that scary or dangerous, nor do they even have to make sense. Humans are complex beings; we can experience a wealth of emotions all at once. And the human mind is incredibly detailed and intricate in its workings and can play tricks on us and deceive us. When we are experiencing an extremely difficult mix of complex emotions and circumstances, the brain is flooded with information and hormones or chemicals. When this happens the mind will sometimes decide that it's been overloaded and that it's just too much and so will instruct the body to release adrenaline in order to be able to cope. As we know, adrenaline is what causes the physical anxiety symptoms, so when it is released, all of those physical symptoms that I listed earlier (and possibly some more) start to occur. Now when someone is able to realistically assess their situation, they will be able to determine what the actual cause of their symptoms is, and will hopefully be able to manage it appropriately. But if you're experiencing a lot of difficult emotions, when the adrenaline kicks in and the physical symptoms start, you're unlikely to be able to realistically assess or determine the cause of those symptoms and your brain will just pick an easy answer; something that can easily be resolved.
So say, for example, you're in a crowd when you start to feel the symptoms of anxiety. Your brain is likely to tell you that the cause of the anxiety, and the physical symptoms, is the crowd, and so you remove yourself from the crowd. As soon as you're away from the crowd, the adrenaline begins to wear off and you start to feel better. This just supports your belief that it was the crowd that caused your anxiety and so you associate that feeling and those symptoms with being in a crowd. This then starts a cycle where, every time you're in a crowd, you feel anxious and so you start avoiding crowds in order to avoid the anxious feeling. This may not always happen, but the more it does, the more ingrained the cycle becomes and the more your mind convinces you that crowds are bad because they cause anxiety. The thing is, this doesn't deal with the actual cause of the anxiety and the cycle is likely to get worse and worse until something is done to change it. The same thing can be seen in people who react to things with high levels of aggression. Adrenaline is also responsible for anger and aggression and so some people may react to things by becoming angry or violent when actually what they're feeling is not anger at all.
Therapy says that the best way of changing this anxiety response and breaking the cycle, is to, when you feel anxious, work through the feelings and do whatever it is your mind has convinced you is the cause of your anxiety, instead of running away. So, if you feel anxious in crowds, go and be in a crowd. Now, this does actually work. The physical symptoms caused by the burst of adrenaline will not last forever; adrenaline is only released in quick spurts and so does not remain constant. The body could not physically maintain a high level of adrenaline for any extended period of time. This means that, eventually, the adrenaline would wear off and the physical anxiety symptoms would stop on their own. Now, if you run away every time you feel those physical anxiety symptoms, when the adrenaline wears off and the symptoms stop, you end up attributing the feeling better to the fact that you ran away, but actually, if you had stayed and not run away, the adrenaline would still have worn off and you would, eventually, have started to feel better anyway, despite still being in the situation which you thought was the cause of your anxiety. So, in order to combat anxiety, you need to not run away, but stay in the crowd, and then the adrenaline and the symptoms would go away and you'd start to feel better. And, as with the way the cycle started, where, the more often you feel anxious and run away, the worse the anxiety gets; when breaking the cycle of anxiety, the more you manage to face what you thought was the cause of your anxiety, the less the anxiety is and the easier it is to face it again. And again. And again.
Saying, 'do not worry' or 'do not be anxious' is one step beyond the thinking that leads to breaking the cycle of anxiety. When the cycle of anxiety starts, you're not thinking, you're just reacting, in the way that animals do; fight or flight. But as humans, our minds have the ability to distort that natural imperative, and our thinking, and turn it into something potentially harmful. When we break the cycle of anxiety, we are beginning to think and to use our brains again. We're thinking more clearly; we recognise the distorted thinking that led to the cycle being created and we sometimes even learn the actual cause of the anxiety. And we learn how to manage and deal with the anxiety and the thoughts and causes behind it. When we are instructed 'do not worry', God is inviting us to go that bit further in our thinking and using our brains, and that step further brings us closer to Him. God wants us to not just not run away from our worries and our anxieties, but to stop worrying about them. As anxiety is a natural reaction, this seems like an impossibility. How can we stop our natural, physical reactions? But God created us. He knows that anxiety is natural. He is not asking the impossible. Because God created us, He knows this. He created us above animals so that we are not held captive by our natural, physical reactions. We are intelligent beings; we are capable of complex thought processes. We've already proven that by using our brains to help us recognise cycles of anxiety and to break them. When God says 'do not be anxious', He isn't saying 'don't have the physical reaction'. He's asking us to use our brains a bit more; to give our anxieties to Him; to let Him carry them. Because He's not going to have distorted thinking or distorted reactions. He's God; He can handle it. And if we give our anxieties to Him, we're not going to get into those distorted cycles of anxiety either, because God's got it. He knows everything and He has plans for us, so we need to trust Him, by letting Him take care of our anxieties.
My journey in therapy has been so intertwined with my spiritual journey. I had always been told or reminded of the 'do not worry' verses but I couldn't seem to help my anxiety. In therapy I've learnt to break those cycles of anxiety and to use my brain and to think more - my therapists are constantly telling me to do this. But it was only this morning, when someone was talking about not being able to help worrying about something, that I finally realised what all those 'do not worry' verses are about; what they really mean. I always felt like I was just less of a Christian because I couldn't 'not worry'. Now I realise that I'm just human. And let's face it, if we weren't all so human, what would be the purpose of Grace?
In therapy, a few months ago, one of the therapists did a session about anxiety. It was all stuff that I knew but it was different listening to someone else talking about it and explaining it in terms of it being a physiological thing, not a mental thing. Anxiety is a very physical reaction; increased heart rate, quickening breath, sweating, dizziness, shaking are all physical symptoms. Are all symptoms of anxiety. These physical symptoms are a result of a quick release of adrenaline into the body. This release of adrenaline and the onset of these symptoms are what help us to decide if a situation is too risky or dangerous, and, whether we should fight the scary, dangerous thing or just run away from it. Without adrenaline we would be able to do either of those things (we wouldn't have the strength needed to fight, or the speed needed to run away). It's a self-preservation thing.
A problem with anxiety, however, is that this physical reaction may be in response to something that really isn't actually that dangerous, or, is even just an imagined danger. The mind can find or create any number of reasons to be anxious, thus setting off the physical anxiety response. Another problem with anxiety is our response to the feeling of anxiety itself. We may decide that the feeling of anxiety is too much to bear and so we remove what we perceive to be the cause of that feeling, and the symptoms go away; we start to feel better. The problem that then arises is that, because the mind has decided, rightly or wrongly, that something specific is the cause of that feeling, the next time we come across that thing we respond in the same way; by getting anxious. And, because last time you got anxious about that thing you ran away and then felt better, you believe that the best thing to do this time, is to run away again. The more this happens, the quicker the body reacts to the burst of adrenaline and the harder it is not to run away. This quickly develops into a cycle of distorted thinking, that becomes very difficult to break.
Now, going back slightly, I mentioned that the mind will find or create any number of reasons to be anxious; they don't necessarily have to be that scary or dangerous, nor do they even have to make sense. Humans are complex beings; we can experience a wealth of emotions all at once. And the human mind is incredibly detailed and intricate in its workings and can play tricks on us and deceive us. When we are experiencing an extremely difficult mix of complex emotions and circumstances, the brain is flooded with information and hormones or chemicals. When this happens the mind will sometimes decide that it's been overloaded and that it's just too much and so will instruct the body to release adrenaline in order to be able to cope. As we know, adrenaline is what causes the physical anxiety symptoms, so when it is released, all of those physical symptoms that I listed earlier (and possibly some more) start to occur. Now when someone is able to realistically assess their situation, they will be able to determine what the actual cause of their symptoms is, and will hopefully be able to manage it appropriately. But if you're experiencing a lot of difficult emotions, when the adrenaline kicks in and the physical symptoms start, you're unlikely to be able to realistically assess or determine the cause of those symptoms and your brain will just pick an easy answer; something that can easily be resolved.
So say, for example, you're in a crowd when you start to feel the symptoms of anxiety. Your brain is likely to tell you that the cause of the anxiety, and the physical symptoms, is the crowd, and so you remove yourself from the crowd. As soon as you're away from the crowd, the adrenaline begins to wear off and you start to feel better. This just supports your belief that it was the crowd that caused your anxiety and so you associate that feeling and those symptoms with being in a crowd. This then starts a cycle where, every time you're in a crowd, you feel anxious and so you start avoiding crowds in order to avoid the anxious feeling. This may not always happen, but the more it does, the more ingrained the cycle becomes and the more your mind convinces you that crowds are bad because they cause anxiety. The thing is, this doesn't deal with the actual cause of the anxiety and the cycle is likely to get worse and worse until something is done to change it. The same thing can be seen in people who react to things with high levels of aggression. Adrenaline is also responsible for anger and aggression and so some people may react to things by becoming angry or violent when actually what they're feeling is not anger at all.
Therapy says that the best way of changing this anxiety response and breaking the cycle, is to, when you feel anxious, work through the feelings and do whatever it is your mind has convinced you is the cause of your anxiety, instead of running away. So, if you feel anxious in crowds, go and be in a crowd. Now, this does actually work. The physical symptoms caused by the burst of adrenaline will not last forever; adrenaline is only released in quick spurts and so does not remain constant. The body could not physically maintain a high level of adrenaline for any extended period of time. This means that, eventually, the adrenaline would wear off and the physical anxiety symptoms would stop on their own. Now, if you run away every time you feel those physical anxiety symptoms, when the adrenaline wears off and the symptoms stop, you end up attributing the feeling better to the fact that you ran away, but actually, if you had stayed and not run away, the adrenaline would still have worn off and you would, eventually, have started to feel better anyway, despite still being in the situation which you thought was the cause of your anxiety. So, in order to combat anxiety, you need to not run away, but stay in the crowd, and then the adrenaline and the symptoms would go away and you'd start to feel better. And, as with the way the cycle started, where, the more often you feel anxious and run away, the worse the anxiety gets; when breaking the cycle of anxiety, the more you manage to face what you thought was the cause of your anxiety, the less the anxiety is and the easier it is to face it again. And again. And again.
Saying, 'do not worry' or 'do not be anxious' is one step beyond the thinking that leads to breaking the cycle of anxiety. When the cycle of anxiety starts, you're not thinking, you're just reacting, in the way that animals do; fight or flight. But as humans, our minds have the ability to distort that natural imperative, and our thinking, and turn it into something potentially harmful. When we break the cycle of anxiety, we are beginning to think and to use our brains again. We're thinking more clearly; we recognise the distorted thinking that led to the cycle being created and we sometimes even learn the actual cause of the anxiety. And we learn how to manage and deal with the anxiety and the thoughts and causes behind it. When we are instructed 'do not worry', God is inviting us to go that bit further in our thinking and using our brains, and that step further brings us closer to Him. God wants us to not just not run away from our worries and our anxieties, but to stop worrying about them. As anxiety is a natural reaction, this seems like an impossibility. How can we stop our natural, physical reactions? But God created us. He knows that anxiety is natural. He is not asking the impossible. Because God created us, He knows this. He created us above animals so that we are not held captive by our natural, physical reactions. We are intelligent beings; we are capable of complex thought processes. We've already proven that by using our brains to help us recognise cycles of anxiety and to break them. When God says 'do not be anxious', He isn't saying 'don't have the physical reaction'. He's asking us to use our brains a bit more; to give our anxieties to Him; to let Him carry them. Because He's not going to have distorted thinking or distorted reactions. He's God; He can handle it. And if we give our anxieties to Him, we're not going to get into those distorted cycles of anxiety either, because God's got it. He knows everything and He has plans for us, so we need to trust Him, by letting Him take care of our anxieties.
My journey in therapy has been so intertwined with my spiritual journey. I had always been told or reminded of the 'do not worry' verses but I couldn't seem to help my anxiety. In therapy I've learnt to break those cycles of anxiety and to use my brain and to think more - my therapists are constantly telling me to do this. But it was only this morning, when someone was talking about not being able to help worrying about something, that I finally realised what all those 'do not worry' verses are about; what they really mean. I always felt like I was just less of a Christian because I couldn't 'not worry'. Now I realise that I'm just human. And let's face it, if we weren't all so human, what would be the purpose of Grace?
Monday, 10 June 2013
Sunday, 9 June 2013
happily ever after part two
At church this morning I was thinking about books. (See my
post on my writing blog, Happily Ever Afters.) I was thinking about how popular literature is
currently very fantasy based; how it is an escape from real life. The preach at
church was about 'What happens when we die?' and Pete, who was speaking,
focused on how any works you do now, as a work for the Lord, will not be in
vain. He cited 1 Corinthians 15:58, which says, 'Therefore, my beloved
brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord,
knowing that in the Lord your labour is not in vain.' The preach was very good
and I took a lot away from it, but it made me think about the Bible. As a
Christian, I believe that the Bible is the word of God; that it is His truth.
Pete also talked about hope. Hope doesn't have the answers, nor is it a form of
escapism. But God gives us hope in order that we might persist and persevere;
that what we do now in His name and in hope, will not be in vain. I was also
thinking about how, psychologically speaking, faith seems to fulfil the desires
of the human mind, especially my desires. Many psychologists believe that God
was created by man to fulfil these desires and that believing in Him is just a
fantasy; an escape. But unlike the fantasy books I read to escape from real
life, the Bible is true. It doesn't give us an escape from life; it helps us to
deal with life, with God. It gives us hope. And teaches us to live life in such
a way that, though it isn't perfect, we can be joyful in God. More people
should turn to the Bible rather than fiction, because it is the truth and it
maintains us and gives us hope. Perhaps if we turned to God more, we wouldn't
be so desperate to escape our lives. The only thing the Bible really has in
common with fantasy fiction is the 'happily ever after'.
This post is rather unfocused and probably doesn't make
sense to anyone but me, so I apologise if you think it's a load of rubbish. But
it made sense in my head. In the strange way that things in my head make
sense...
Sunday, 26 May 2013
Scared... Me?!
Ok so I actually started writing this post months ago but I never got around to completing it. And now I know why... the service at church this morning reminded me of this semi-finished post and when I came back to read it, I realised just how right the timing is for it now. Obviously it wasn't right before. So here it is. It's about fear, God, relationships and 'extravagant love'. I feel like perhaps there will be some kind of conclusion to it next week. We'll have to wait and see but in the meantime, please read and make what you will of my ever rambling-ness.
Something that I have boasted over the years is that I am scared of very little. This is true; I'm not scared of much. But when I am scared of something, the fear is crippling. It would be fair to say that this is the cause of some of my mental health problems. But, as I have mentioned before now, I am extremely stubborn. I'm also really bad at asking for help. Both of these character flaws mean that when I do come across something that scares me - terrifies me - and I feel that icy cold grip on the back of my neck and everything just seems to stop, I refuse to admit that I'm scared. More than that, I pretend like whatever it is means nothing and I then avoid it at all costs. One could say that this has gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion; and you wouldn't be wrong. One thing that therapy is -slowly - teaching me, is that I need to talk about things that scare me and ask for help with them when I need it. My stubbornness doesn't help in this matter, but I am starting to talk about things that scare me more. I used to think that admitting fear was akin to admitting weakness; that you might as well stick a massive target on your back or a sign saying, 'pick on me about this; it scares me'. The thing that I'm finding is that actually I was, yet again (I dislike the alarmingly high frequency at which this is happening), wrong. Talking about things that scare me does actually help. It helps to talk to people who perhaps have similar fears or who at least understand the feeling that if you tell people that you're scared they'll use it against you, because they are less likely to do just that. Admitting to and talking about things that I am scared of helps to diminish the fear a little; it makes the thing seem less scary. Especially when someone else chimes in to say that they're scared of that too. It makes you feel less like a freak. Though therapy is, by its very nature, full of crazy people; so the fact that they feel the same as I do, probably doesn't make me any less crazy. But at least I can be crazy with someone.
I feel like I have been working really hard at therapy. I do try to talk about things that scare me. But I'm still scared to talk about some of them. Rather ironic that I find talking about things that scare me, scary. But hey, I am my own brand of crazy. I've talked a lot about my aversion to people which, it turns out, just boils down to me being scared of how people will treat me and of being rejected (talk about serious 'daddy' issues!). I've also talked about my fear of failure; why I find normal life so difficult because I am constantly terrified of getting things wrong and of failing. When I had to leave University, due to my messed up brain, I felt like I had failed. Not just at University but at life. I was in such a bad place when I was at University that even normal everyday life was too much for me and I just wasn't looking after myself - I'm scared of going back there. When you're in that much of a state it's easy to let yourself think that you're a complete failure, at everything. And for someone who is terrified of failure, it just completely destroys you. You let it destroy you.
As a Christian, I know that I have nothing to fear. God has always and will always have His hand on my life. While I've been at therapy I've not just been learning about the psychological aspects of my mental health problems but I have also been learning about the spiritual aspects. I have found an amazing home at York City Church and I consider all of its members to be family to me. They have helped me through this time in my life to an extent that they don't even know. And I am so grateful for them. Especially considering the fact that just a year and a half ago, they didn't even know who I was. God has blessed me so richly this past year. He gave me St Andrew's, where I go for my therapy, knowing that it was perfectly right for me. Because everything He does is perfectly right. Through therapy and church, He has taught me so much about myself and about life. I have never felt so good as I do now. I am filled with joy. And it is all thanks to Him. He has helped me to realise that for so long I was in bondage, to sin and fear. And His hand on my life, His blessings, have helped me to see that I don't need to live like that, ever. Not just to see it but to truly believe it. I do not need to be afraid. I do not need to be ashamed. The funny thing is, I always knew this. I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember. I always knew all of this. But, as one of the therapists at St Andrew's loves to tell me constantly, 'knowing isn't everything'. And, as per usual, he is right. I doubt he meant for that to speak to me on a spiritual level but God works in mysterious, and often rather humorous, ways.
My emotional journey through life and therapy has been completely intertwined with my spiritual journey with God and I have frequently found that themes in my therapy seem to be linked to many of the themes talked about at my church on a Sunday morning. This morning was no exception. I've been thinking a lot about this fear thing; this isn't the first time I've visited this blog post. Recently the theme of my work at St Andrew's has been about relationships. I've had a pretty bad run when it's come to relationships in the past and so talking about relationships is pretty scary for me. So scary that I often get horrible nightmares that feel almost real. I've never really talked about my nightmares before but I know that it's something I'm going to have to do. And soon. The service at church this morning was about 'Extravagant Love' for Jesus. It may not seem like this would have anything to do with fear but it really does. The guy who was preaching talked about things that stop people from loving extravagantly. Fear was one of those things. He addressed it mostly to the men in the room, which I disagreed with actually, because I knew exactly what he was talking about when he described how that fear can affect our lives and our relationships; especially our relationship with God. And that kind of fear can and does affect anyone. Hearing the preacher talk about fear like that, even though I knew it all already, was like a revelation. And it felt like God was just using the man at the front of my church to repeat everything He'd been saying to me through therapy. When that happens it makes me even more certain that I am where God wants me to be because He just keeps driving it all home and backing it up with the Gospel. I got a real sense this morning of things just sliding into place, like the cliched pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. I realised that all of my fears and insecurities about relationships are just preventing me from extravagantly loving God and having the relationship with Him that I am meant to have. It just reminded me that I am where I need to be and that God has His hand over my life and I just need to completely trust Him. But my fear has stopped me from doing that. Over recent months I have come to trust and rely on God more, in the way that I am supposed to. But I still find it a constant battle. I know that God loves me extravagantly. He sent His only son to die, for me! That is how much He loves me. But to love Him in return, in the way that He deserves to be loved, I need to let go of my fear.
And I thought that, with only five weeks left to go at St Andrew's, the work was almost done. What a fool I have been!
Something that I have boasted over the years is that I am scared of very little. This is true; I'm not scared of much. But when I am scared of something, the fear is crippling. It would be fair to say that this is the cause of some of my mental health problems. But, as I have mentioned before now, I am extremely stubborn. I'm also really bad at asking for help. Both of these character flaws mean that when I do come across something that scares me - terrifies me - and I feel that icy cold grip on the back of my neck and everything just seems to stop, I refuse to admit that I'm scared. More than that, I pretend like whatever it is means nothing and I then avoid it at all costs. One could say that this has gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion; and you wouldn't be wrong. One thing that therapy is -slowly - teaching me, is that I need to talk about things that scare me and ask for help with them when I need it. My stubbornness doesn't help in this matter, but I am starting to talk about things that scare me more. I used to think that admitting fear was akin to admitting weakness; that you might as well stick a massive target on your back or a sign saying, 'pick on me about this; it scares me'. The thing that I'm finding is that actually I was, yet again (I dislike the alarmingly high frequency at which this is happening), wrong. Talking about things that scare me does actually help. It helps to talk to people who perhaps have similar fears or who at least understand the feeling that if you tell people that you're scared they'll use it against you, because they are less likely to do just that. Admitting to and talking about things that I am scared of helps to diminish the fear a little; it makes the thing seem less scary. Especially when someone else chimes in to say that they're scared of that too. It makes you feel less like a freak. Though therapy is, by its very nature, full of crazy people; so the fact that they feel the same as I do, probably doesn't make me any less crazy. But at least I can be crazy with someone.
I feel like I have been working really hard at therapy. I do try to talk about things that scare me. But I'm still scared to talk about some of them. Rather ironic that I find talking about things that scare me, scary. But hey, I am my own brand of crazy. I've talked a lot about my aversion to people which, it turns out, just boils down to me being scared of how people will treat me and of being rejected (talk about serious 'daddy' issues!). I've also talked about my fear of failure; why I find normal life so difficult because I am constantly terrified of getting things wrong and of failing. When I had to leave University, due to my messed up brain, I felt like I had failed. Not just at University but at life. I was in such a bad place when I was at University that even normal everyday life was too much for me and I just wasn't looking after myself - I'm scared of going back there. When you're in that much of a state it's easy to let yourself think that you're a complete failure, at everything. And for someone who is terrified of failure, it just completely destroys you. You let it destroy you.
As a Christian, I know that I have nothing to fear. God has always and will always have His hand on my life. While I've been at therapy I've not just been learning about the psychological aspects of my mental health problems but I have also been learning about the spiritual aspects. I have found an amazing home at York City Church and I consider all of its members to be family to me. They have helped me through this time in my life to an extent that they don't even know. And I am so grateful for them. Especially considering the fact that just a year and a half ago, they didn't even know who I was. God has blessed me so richly this past year. He gave me St Andrew's, where I go for my therapy, knowing that it was perfectly right for me. Because everything He does is perfectly right. Through therapy and church, He has taught me so much about myself and about life. I have never felt so good as I do now. I am filled with joy. And it is all thanks to Him. He has helped me to realise that for so long I was in bondage, to sin and fear. And His hand on my life, His blessings, have helped me to see that I don't need to live like that, ever. Not just to see it but to truly believe it. I do not need to be afraid. I do not need to be ashamed. The funny thing is, I always knew this. I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember. I always knew all of this. But, as one of the therapists at St Andrew's loves to tell me constantly, 'knowing isn't everything'. And, as per usual, he is right. I doubt he meant for that to speak to me on a spiritual level but God works in mysterious, and often rather humorous, ways.
My emotional journey through life and therapy has been completely intertwined with my spiritual journey with God and I have frequently found that themes in my therapy seem to be linked to many of the themes talked about at my church on a Sunday morning. This morning was no exception. I've been thinking a lot about this fear thing; this isn't the first time I've visited this blog post. Recently the theme of my work at St Andrew's has been about relationships. I've had a pretty bad run when it's come to relationships in the past and so talking about relationships is pretty scary for me. So scary that I often get horrible nightmares that feel almost real. I've never really talked about my nightmares before but I know that it's something I'm going to have to do. And soon. The service at church this morning was about 'Extravagant Love' for Jesus. It may not seem like this would have anything to do with fear but it really does. The guy who was preaching talked about things that stop people from loving extravagantly. Fear was one of those things. He addressed it mostly to the men in the room, which I disagreed with actually, because I knew exactly what he was talking about when he described how that fear can affect our lives and our relationships; especially our relationship with God. And that kind of fear can and does affect anyone. Hearing the preacher talk about fear like that, even though I knew it all already, was like a revelation. And it felt like God was just using the man at the front of my church to repeat everything He'd been saying to me through therapy. When that happens it makes me even more certain that I am where God wants me to be because He just keeps driving it all home and backing it up with the Gospel. I got a real sense this morning of things just sliding into place, like the cliched pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. I realised that all of my fears and insecurities about relationships are just preventing me from extravagantly loving God and having the relationship with Him that I am meant to have. It just reminded me that I am where I need to be and that God has His hand over my life and I just need to completely trust Him. But my fear has stopped me from doing that. Over recent months I have come to trust and rely on God more, in the way that I am supposed to. But I still find it a constant battle. I know that God loves me extravagantly. He sent His only son to die, for me! That is how much He loves me. But to love Him in return, in the way that He deserves to be loved, I need to let go of my fear.
And I thought that, with only five weeks left to go at St Andrew's, the work was almost done. What a fool I have been!
Sunday, 10 February 2013
difficult decisions and admitting that i *may* have been wrong
So, as those of you who know me personally will know, I was pretty damn certain that once I finished at therapy I would return to Brighton to finish my degree in Philosophy and English Literature. As you will also know, I am really stubborn. In fact that is an understatement. I am ridiculously stubborn. And I hate admitting that I am wrong. For a long while, I avoided even thinking about University; stuck in this little part of my brain that was stubbornly convinced that I would return to Brighton and everything would be great. I wouldn't even let myself admit that I was scared that actually it wouldn't be all that great; because last time I thought that it would be great and... well... look what happened there. Then, just after Christmas, my mother brought up the subject of University. It's hard for me to realise this, let alone accept it, but she's scared too. She's scared of how ill I was and of what might happen if I go back to Brighton. She may not have put it in the best way and it may have turned into an argument, but what she said basically amounted to her telling me she's scared for me, she doesn't think I'll be ready to go back to Brighton and she doesn't want to have to go through what she went through last time if it doesn't work out again. She wanted me to transfer to York St John. I didn't want to listen at first. There's a whole bunch of issues that goes along with this, like feeling stupid for failing Uni; feeling like I'm going backwards; feeling like a child, unable to look after myself; not wanting to end up like some people I know who are in their 40s and still live at home... the list goes on, and on, and on. I was also scared that York St John wouldn't accept me and then I'd never be able to finish my degree. (That may seem like a silly fear, but it's not for me. I have a very low opinion of myself and I genuinely cannot see why they would accept me.) Eventually, I realised I had to think about this stuff. In fact, after that conversation, I couldn't stop thinking about stuff. Getting my degree is what's most important to me now. I was lazy in my GCSEs and ALevels. And in my first year of my degree to an extent. And then my damned psycho brain decided to screw it all up even more. It was bound to happen eventually. Anyway... I've realised that what I really want is to get my degree, do a PGCE and become an English teacher. And whether I do those things in Brighton or in York, or even on the moon, doesn't matter. The important thing is to do them. Sure I don't want to live at home forever, and I won't, but right now, it's my best shot of getting a degree. And if therapy has taught me anything - actually, it's taught me a lot - it's taught me that sometimes, just *sometimes* mind, I can be wrong and I am too stubborn for my own good. So I decided to do something that I have never done in the history of ever, and I listened to my mother. *Pause for the shocked horror of my friends* I looked at the English Literature and Creative Writing course at York St John - they don't do Philosophy and actually I love writing so this course makes a lot of sense - and I emailed them about transferring. I had a lot of support and prayer from my friends in York. I've settled into a church here now - York City Church - and everyone has been so loving and welcoming and I have met so many people and made so many friends, the idea of leaving actually would make me incredibly sad. I would miss everyone, A LOT. So maybe staying in York could work out. Finally, after various emails and the University looking over my grades and everything, just over a week ago now, they said they would be happy to accept me as a transfer. I still have to do a UCAS form - I MUST be masochistic! - but I'm basically in. I wasn't expecting quite how happy this actually made me. I got in. And I get to stay in York, at my wonderful church, with all my wonderful friends. And my family, however much I argue with my mother at times, will be close by if I need them. So I've almost completed the dreaded UCAS form. I even made the daring step of contacting my academic advisor from Sussex to request a reference, which he agreed to do. I just have to do the personal statement. The worst part. The part that I tried to do last weekend and just ended up with hundreds of screwed up balls of paper all over my bedroom floor, and then have just avoided doing for the rest of the week. Funny how I can sit at my laptop and write this so easily and without a second's thought, but not write a personal statement - which is what I had originally intended to do when I sat down to my laptop earlier this evening. My skills of avoidance and procrastination know no bounds! - just don't tell my therapists... especially PHIL! Who wants me to write and draft and then take it into therapy for people to read and tell me if it's good and what else I can include, because apparently I'm too harsh a critic to myself and I just *think* it's crap but actually other people will be able to tell me it's not. Well this is just another of my many millions of issues... I cannot write about myself, especially not favourably, and I really think that most of what I write is a load of crap anyway so writing a personal statement is hell for me! As for letting other people at therapy see it?! No thank you! I don't want them realising that actually I'm really thick. And I'm really bad at taking criticism and practical advice so this is really just going to end badly. I did mention that I'm stubborn, right? I have this feeling that I'm going to just write it and send it and then make excuses next week, but I know that I really really shouldn't do that... So now I'm stuck. Because I know that the right thing for me therapeutically would be to do as Phil suggested and write a draft and let people at therapy help me, but I'm really so stubborn - and actually really fragile - that I don't know if I can do it... I wonder how this one is going to play out. Anyway... I have successfully avoided actually writing this damned personal statement for a good hour or so now... and I really should quit with the procrastination and just get on with it... Oh well, this was fun while it lasted. I'll post again sometime... not sure when. I'm pretty crappy when it comes to this blogging thing; I have no self-discipline - yet another issue I need to deal with, no wonder I'm in therapy!
Thursday, 10 January 2013
Honesty, Fears and Infertility
On Friday September 14th 2012 I was
diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. I had heard of PCOS but
didn’t know much about it until I watched a television programme on which there
was a woman who suffered from the syndrome. Some of the symptoms sounded
similar to symptoms that I had been experiencing for years so I looked up the syndrome
online. The symptoms include: irregular or absent periods; excessive hair
growth; excessive weight gain or difficulty losing weight; severe acne, not
just limited to the face, and cysts on the ovaries. Depression can also be a
symptom of PCOS. I went to my GP and described the symptoms to him, asking him
if it was possible that I had PCOS. My doctor said it was highly likely that I
did have it and so he took some blood to test for it. The first lot of tests
were inconclusive but my GP was fairly certain that I had the syndrome and so
he referred me to an Endocrinologist; a specialist who deals with hormone
disorders including diabetes and PCOS. I saw the Endocrinologist on the 14th
September and he did several tests, as well as a physical examination, before
officially diagnosing me with PCOS.
PCOS
is caused mostly by a hormonal imbalance. The ovaries produce more male
hormones than they should which affects the production of eggs and leads to the
production of lots of little cysts all over the ovaries. PCOS also has an
element of insulin resistance. Women who have the syndrome have an excess of
insulin which increases the production of the male hormones, causing all of the
symptoms. This is also what makes it difficult for women with PCOS to lose
weight because their bodies cannot process sugars and starches properly. The
increased weight, however, also makes the symptoms worse creating a kind of
vicious cycle which is difficult to get out of.
There
are a couple of different treatments for PCOS. The usual treatment is just to
take the contraceptive pill, which increases the levels of female hormone thus
reducing some of the symptoms, however, this doesn’t always work especially for
women with a high insulin resistance factor. A treatment that has become more
frequently offered to women with insulin resistance is a drug called Metformin.
Metformin is traditionally a Diabetes medication, which is why it helps with
the insulin resistance. For women who receive the Metformin treatment, they are
also required to dramatically alter their diets in order to help them lose
weight and to allow the drug to work more effectively.
When
I saw the Endocrinologist in September he decided that the best treatment for
me was the Metformin treatment. Since I saw him, I have been trying to follow
the diet advice I was given, have lost some weight and have noticed some improvement
in a couple of the symptoms. I saw the Endocrinologist again in December and he
seemed pleased enough with the progress I had made, so he said that I wouldn’t
need to see him again until next September, a year after I was first diagnosed.
The diet is sometimes difficult to manage and I’m hoping to see a dietician at
some point to help me get it more under control.
So
far all I’ve written about in this post is factual stuff about Polycystic
Ovarian Syndrome, but one fact I’ve not directly mentioned, the one that scares
me most, is that PCOS can cause infertility. I’ve not written at all about how
being diagnosed with PCOS has made me feel. I have always wanted children. I
have never wanted anything more than to have children one day; a family of my
own. And I have always had this fear, this immense, awful fear, that I won’t be
able to. I used to think that I would never have children, just because I never
thought that any man would want me enough to marry me and have children with
me. But I let myself hope, dream, that maybe actually God would give me a
husband. And then I get told that because of my PCOS I might be infertile;
might never be able to have children. And that thought is almost destroying me.
People keep telling me to try not to worry about it. That I can’t know for
certain that I am infertile until I try for a family and get tested. That I’m
just catastrophising it in my head; creating a problem that may not exist. But
when your life’s hopes and dreams have been almost entirely built on something,
to have even the slightest uncertainty that you will get it… it feels like the
whole world has been ripped out from under you. I feel like my future has been
destroyed and though I’ve been trying not to think like that and to think about
other things I could do in my future, but it feels like there is this massive
black hole in my life that is never going to close. And I can’t help but think
that my life has no purpose, if I’m not able to have children.
Call
me melodramatic. Say I’m over-reacting. But this thing is killing me. And I
just needed to tell the truth. To someone. Anyone. Everyone. I’m scared.
Terrified. I just want to have children.
Thursday, 1 November 2012
rambles about life
it has been a rather long time since i last posted on this blog; in fact it's been around thirteen weeks. life has been rather busy in that time. i never realised just how tiring group therapy could be. i think that now, after seventeen weeks, i am getting used to the frustration and exhaustion that comes with attending therapy three and a half days a week. though it still is extremely exhausting and i have another eight months to go! some days i wonder if i'll survive another eight months of this. actually i wonder that everyday. but some of those days i am reminded of why i put myself through it. it is helping somewhat but it's a lot of hard work and i still struggle with things; especially with being challenged about certain behaviours. this week has been especially difficult and frustrating and i have left every night with a tension headache because it's been such hard work. at the moment i am what is called 'duty member'. 'duty member' is a role in the community that involves supporting other community members if they are in distress outside of therapy spaces or if they leave the therapy space for some reason during a session. as duty member for the last three weeks i have had to be there to support people emotionally but for some reason, this week, it has been especially difficult to fulfil this role.
my faith has been very important in my journey through therapy thus far as it has helped me to understand my issues better and to remain patient through my frustrations. i have been constantly praying through my therapy; praying that i can be patient and support others. i believe that this therapy has been a real blessing from God and i really can see His hand in it, though sometimes i have to remind myself of this and pray for God to keep reminding me of this and i know that i need to keep bringing it back to Him and asking for the strength to deal with everything that comes from it. as well as everything that i am learning through my therapy, i believe that i am learning a lot in my relationship with God. i have just been invited to join a small group at church which i am really excited about and the first small group that i attended this week was a real blessing for me. i also feel that the preaches in church in the last few months have been so transforming and spirit-filled for me and i am just so excited to see what He has in store for me.
today, being the first of november, is the first day of national novel writing month. i attempted this last year but did not complete it as i gave up on my novel part way through. this year i prefer my novel and so really hope that i manage to complete it. i love writing and, though it will be difficult to manage nano with my therapy, i really want to write an actual novel. i will attempt to keep this blog updated on my progress throughout the month, though i won't make any promises.
for now, i should really use my words for my nano instead of blogging. i just really felt a pull to write a blog post kind of updating how things are going in my life. i guess the basic gist of things is that life is frustrating, hard and busy at the moment but i'm actually feeling pretty positive about life at the moment. i guess therapy really is helping.
my faith has been very important in my journey through therapy thus far as it has helped me to understand my issues better and to remain patient through my frustrations. i have been constantly praying through my therapy; praying that i can be patient and support others. i believe that this therapy has been a real blessing from God and i really can see His hand in it, though sometimes i have to remind myself of this and pray for God to keep reminding me of this and i know that i need to keep bringing it back to Him and asking for the strength to deal with everything that comes from it. as well as everything that i am learning through my therapy, i believe that i am learning a lot in my relationship with God. i have just been invited to join a small group at church which i am really excited about and the first small group that i attended this week was a real blessing for me. i also feel that the preaches in church in the last few months have been so transforming and spirit-filled for me and i am just so excited to see what He has in store for me.
today, being the first of november, is the first day of national novel writing month. i attempted this last year but did not complete it as i gave up on my novel part way through. this year i prefer my novel and so really hope that i manage to complete it. i love writing and, though it will be difficult to manage nano with my therapy, i really want to write an actual novel. i will attempt to keep this blog updated on my progress throughout the month, though i won't make any promises.
for now, i should really use my words for my nano instead of blogging. i just really felt a pull to write a blog post kind of updating how things are going in my life. i guess the basic gist of things is that life is frustrating, hard and busy at the moment but i'm actually feeling pretty positive about life at the moment. i guess therapy really is helping.
Sunday, 29 July 2012
Week Four in the Mad House
So
I have survived another week in the mad house, making my time there a total of
four weeks. Community meeting on Monday morning saw my admission of
self-harming the night before and a futile discussion about the person who didn’t
turn up on the Thursday before. Community meeting followed by small group which
was much the same as always; we sat in a group and talked about things and most
of it was dominated by the same person. By lunch little of note had happened.
After
lunch was art therapy, which I have already established as my worst session,
but I had decided to try and have a at it. The session always starts with
everyone discussing the work from the previous week. People commented on mine
and asked me how I felt about it. I said that it had been stubborn and I had
been trying to prove a point but that I would, in future, try harder in the art
sessions. Somehow, what was supposed to be a positive thing turned into yet
another argument and, though I had intended to try not to rise to it and meet
aggression with aggression, I admit that I reverted to my old habit of fighting
back. I was already angry and upset with myself about the weekend and cutting
myself the night before and so, when people started having a go at me, I got
upset. At some point the argument abated and we got on with the art bit of the
session. I drew a TARDIS. For the most part my reason behind that choice was
because I like Doctor Who but the more I thought about it I realised that the
TARDIS does have some symbolic meaning; it is bigger on the inside which feels
like me because I do have a lot to give but it’s all on the inside and I don’t
always show it on the outside. Also, the chameleon filter on the TARDIS is
broken, which means it is always stuck as a police telephone box, and sometimes
it feels like I am permanently stuck as this fat, pathetic, depressed person
but I don’t want to be.
After
the time for doing art was up we had to sit and discuss what we had done.
Unfortunately this discussion just resulted in further arguments because it appears
that some community members think that there is a divide between the two small
groups. One person in particular went as far as to say that they thought that
some of the members in the small group that I’m in seem to get more attention
because they cry or get aggressive or storm out. This upset a few people and
when it was nearly time for the session to end, though the therapist hadn’t
actually called time, the person who had said that some people were just
attention seeking walked out. Half a minute later the therapist called time and
the rest of the community left the room but by that time the person who had
stormed out had already gone home. I left to go home feeling absolutely rubbish
because I felt like all the arguments had been my fault and that everyone
thought I was just an attention seeker. I know that isn’t completely true and
that it was just my paranoia making me think that but I do often think that I
am just an attention seeker and I felt really persecuted by the guy.
On
the Tuesday morning I really didn’t want to go back to the mad house. I felt
paranoid and anxious and didn’t want to be around people, but I made myself go
and face everyone. The guy who had stormed out of art the day before, however,
did not turn up which only served to make me feel even worse. In the community
meeting I apologised to the rest of the community for my behaviour in art but I
had really wanted to apologise to the guy who had stormed out, so I was annoyed
that he hadn’t turned up and I thought that he was just being childish. Large
group therapy was difficult. The general atmosphere was so tense and, although
no arguments broke out, it was a horrible place to be and was really
anxiety-provoking. Everyone was really glad to get out of the room when time
was called and when it came to TBC I was pleased that it was housekeeping because
it meant that I could do something active rather than just sitting around
talking.
That
afternoon was awareness which just makes me think of PSHE in school or
something. The session started, as usual, with a couple of warm-up games then
it was decided that the main topic would be a role-play around the theme of
assertiveness, especially when dealing with receptionists at doctors’
surgeries. We had already done something about assertiveness recently but I
didn’t complain because it meant that I could just sit back and watch and it
was far removed from the frustrations and the conflicts of the day before.
Awareness went rather quickly and again I was glad to get away at the end of
the day and go home.
On
Wednesday morning I didn’t want to go in again, but again I made myself. The
guy who walked out on Monday afternoon was back but community meeting did
little to deal with the fact that he had walked out and then not even come in
on the Tuesday. He said that he wanted to leave the programme completely and
that he had only come in to talk about leaving because people had asked him to.
This made me feel even worse and my brain kept telling me that it was all my
fault – I really need to sort out this paranoia because it’s driving me insane.
I had wanted to bring it in to small group but struggled to find an appropriate
gap in the flow of the conversation. Again I got frustrated because one person
just seemed to dominate the entire session – like always – and another person
just sulked and said he wanted the group to vote him out because he didn’t want
to be there anymore, which I just thought was him being childish and wanting to
know that people cared and wanted him to be there. To be honest I’m getting
rather sick of middle-aged men having temper tantrums – they’re just acting
like two-year-olds.
After
lunch was working party. I had thought that we had reached some kind of
conclusion on the subject we had been discussing the week before but apparently
other people thought otherwise. The conversation started to turn into another
argument and I was getting extremely frustrated with people just talking over
each other. By the end of it I just wanted to leave the mad house and never go
back. I probably sound like such a drama queen but I am getting really pissed
off with the place and sometimes I just can’t take all the stress and the
arguing. After working party it was PAG which actually went quite well because
there was a potential new member there so the session was pretty much spent
doing her assessment so I didn’t have to do or say anything. After group was
also pretty uneventful. Everyone was tired and just wanted to leave so when
time was called everyone was glad to get out of there – especially me.
On
Thursday morning after community meeting it was reviews. That day was the
review of the guy who had walked out of art on the Monday. People had managed
to persuade him to stay for his review and I was actually glad that he was there
because, though he had acted childishly, so had I and I wanted to apologise to
him for shouting at him on Monday. By the end of the reviews I felt a little
better because I had been able to apologise and the guy had come up to me and
said thanks for doing so. Check-out and lunch were good and, before I knew it,
it was the end of my fourth week in the mad house.
I
am planning on going in tomorrow, so I should probably go and get some sleep
now. But before I do; a couple of prayer requests. Prayers for the week ahead
would be greatly appreciated and please pray about my current struggles with
paranoia; it’s really bothering me. Also, please pray that I don’t get so frustrated
and annoyed with people so quickly and that I can learn to manage those
feelings better. Last week was a real lesson for me in patience and in not
fighting back when people push me – I still have to work on those things – but I
am getting there slowly and maybe, with the help of the therapy programme, I’ll
start to get better.
Thanks and God bless
KV
Saturday, 28 July 2012
Brighton
Last
Friday I travelled down to Brighton from York in order to attend a friend’s
wedding on the Saturday. I was extremely anxious about the trip for several
reasons. The journey itself made me anxious as I was worried that the coach or
trains might be delayed or something. Then there was the fact that only was it
the first time that I had been to Brighton since I moved home, but it was the
first time I had been away from home on my own, even for a weekend, in over a
year. Finally, I was anxious about seeing people after such a long time. There
are a few people with whom I have kept in touch and I was really looking
forward to seeing them. I was also really looking forward to seeing my friend
Ana get married. But I have missed so much over the last year and I have also
changed somewhat in that time, so I was nervous about seeing people in case
they didn’t want to see me or didn’t like me anymore. I know these thoughts are
irrational but I really struggle with paranoia and sometimes I get this voice
in my head telling me everyone hates me and I have such low self-confidence
that I struggle to not listen to those thoughts.
The
first part of my journey was a coach from York to somewhere in the East
Midlands, where then got a train to St Pancras in London. The coach part of the
journey was extremely anxiety-provoking as there were lots of people on the
coach and I’m not good being around lots of people, especially in small,
cramped spaces. I was also anxious because the front of the coach displayed the
destination as Victoria Coach Station and so I was worried that perhaps it was
the wrong coach, though the driver assured me it was the right one and the
display was just incorrect. At some point on the journey the driver announced
an unplanned detour, due to an accident on the route that we were meant to take
and that there would, therefore, be a slight delay in our arrival at the train
station in the East Midlands. This almost set off a panic attack as I dislike
structure and plans being disrupted and I was anxious about missing the train
to St Pancras and then my train from St Pancras to Brighton. To try to calm
myself down I recited the alphabet backwards until I was calm enough to read,
and then I hid behind my book for the rest of the coach journey.
Fortunately
the coach arrived in time for us to catch the train to St Pancras. The train
was busy but I managed to find a seat and the journey was rather uneventful.
When I reached St Pancras I couldn’t see my train to Brighton on the departures
board and started to panic again. I got a different train but I was extremely
anxious throughout the whole journey in case my ticket restricted me from
getting on that train and the train guard threw me off the train or fined. I
reached Brighton without being thrown off or fined for being on the wrong train.
Finally I got a bus from Brighton to Shoreham-by-Sea (where my friend Katie
lives) and, despite being anxious because I had never gotten that bus before
and didn’t know the route, I reached Katie’s house without having another panic
attack. The rest of the night was quiet; I ate dinner with Katie and her
husband, Chris, and then watched a film with them before heading to bed.
On
the Saturday I had arranged to meet a couple of friends before the wedding that
afternoon. I got the bus back into Brighton and met my friend Kali and her fiancé,
Pete, in Starbucks. It was great to see her after so long; she’s such an amazing
friend. The difference in her was just astounding. She has lost weight and
seemed to be in less pain despite coming off some of her medication that was
meant to help with the pain caused by her Fibromyalgia. She was also so happy;
it was great to see her like that. It’s obvious that her fiancé Pete is the
cause of most of this new-found happiness and I am so grateful to him because
of it. We had a great catch up on Saturday morning and had fun discussing
wedding plans – I’m so excited for her. After seeing her it felt like all the
anxiety had been worth it, because it was like I had never gone home, in that
we talked just like we did before I moved home.
I
then went to meet another friend, Janet, for an early lunch before the wedding.
She has been such a rock for me the whole time I’ve been at home. It was
brilliant to see her and it was great to talk and catch up with her. After
lunch we headed to church together for the wedding. Almost as soon as I arrived
I saw a couple of people who said hello and that they were glad to see me. They
immediately made me feel like I was back where I belonged and when I got
upstairs to the main meeting room, where the service was being held, I saw even
more people who made me feel much better about being back there. The service
was lovely and I was so glad I got to be there to see such a wonderful
occasion. Ana looked so beautiful in her dress and she seemed so happy, as did
Chris; they are such a lovely couple.
After
the ceremony, most of the guests went downstairs to where the reception was
being held whole Ana, Chris and the rest of the wedding party had photos taken.
I was at a table with several friends from church and had a lovely time talking
to everyone. I was so glad I went. It was really nice to see everyone and I had
such a great day. Then suddenly, for no reason, towards the end of the evening
my mood started to drop off and I went to the bathroom to hide because I
started to have a panic attack. I felt really low and detached and just wanted
to leave. I managed to go back to the reception and carried on talking to
people but I was glad when Janet came over to me and if I wanted a lift back to
Katie’s. I had had a good day but I was tired and so went and said goodbye to
everyone; congratulated Ana and Chris, and then left with Janet.
After
Janet dropped me off at Katie’s I chatted to Katie and her husband, Chris, for
a little while before heading up to bed. On the Sunday I packed and left Katie’s
to get the bus into Brighton. I had planned to go to my church in Brighton that
morning and I got through the front doors and sat through the first song before
I had a panic attack. I decided I couldn’t handle it and ran away from church
and hid in a Costa with a cup of coffee and my book until I had to go for my
train. I was really pissed off with myself for having a panic attack and
running away but I just couldn’t handle being there. I was so relieved to get
to the station and get on my train to London. I guess it was just a lot for me
to do with where I am right now health-wise, but I’m still annoyed that I
panicked and ran away.
The
return journey to York was alright but I still felt really low and detached.
When I finally reached York I felt so rubbish and so mad at myself I just didn’t
want to be around people so I phoned my dad and told him I didn’t feel well so
wasn’t going to go for dinner. I feel bad for doing that because it was kind of
a lie and I was just isolating myself because I was feeling so low. I went home
and went straight to bed where I just watched stuff online until I fell asleep.
In that time though, because I just felt so low and detached, I ended up
cutting myself. I hate that I did it. I seem to revert back to it whenever
things get too hard and I really hate myself for it.
On
Monday morning I brought into boundaries, in community meeting at therapy, that
I had cut myself the night before. Everyone was understanding about it, but I
still feel rubbish about it. I hope that I’ll be able to go back to Brighton
again when I am a little better and maybe then I won’t have more panic attacks
but for now, I think perhaps it was just too much too soon. Despite this I did
have a nice time for most of the Saturday and I am really happy for Ana and
Chris; I love weddings and hope one day to be able to get married myself – but that’s
a whole other post.
Thanks for reading and God bless
KV
Friday, 27 July 2012
Week Three in the Mad House
This post is rather late; I wrote it last Friday but
I’ve been really busy and tired and just haven’t had chance to post it until
now.
So
the other day I wrote about art therapy last Monday afternoon in my post ‘An Exercise in Pointlessness’. In writing that post, and throughout the rest of
the week, I realised that I had just been incredibly stubborn and even
childish. I have my reasons for disliking art therapy, but sometimes we have to
do things we don’t like. And also, looking back on the event now and being hit
by just how stubborn and provocative I’d been (hindsight is always 20:20) I
learnt that a large part of my response came from the fact that people
challenged me, and when pushed, I push back. I’m not making excuses it’s just
that I had never really noticed this before, because I never really took the
time to acknowledge and examine these things. I can’t say that this discovery
is a surprise, or a shock, as such, because it makes a lot of sense; it has just
taken a long time to clear away the fog of so many (mostly irrational) thoughts
in order to see things clearly. I have now decided to try art, and try to get
something out of it, and to use the space on Monday afternoon to explore why I
react in this way to things I don’t like. I have a feeling it’s going to be a
struggle, because my initial reaction is to fight it.
On
Tuesday the sharing out of jobs in community group led to conflict when some of
the community members didn’t want to put themselves forward for jobs. Other
members challenged people about their aversions to jobs but somehow the
discussion ended in rather heated arguments. This seemed to set the tone for
the rest of the day. Large group therapy just seemed to be an extension of the
same argument that occurred in community meeting, with the same people
repeating the same tired arguments and then not listening to one another. The
session felt somewhat wasted and there was a lot of stress and tension within
the community.
Things
came to a head in the ‘To be Confirmed’ (TBC) session right before lunch. TBC
is a difficult session as the structure is different from the rest of the time
there. The last two weeks, as people were leaving, there were exhibitions of
their art from the whole year, held during TBC. This week, however, the slot
was a designated ‘creative’ session – though I’m not quite sure what that
entails. At the beginning of the session, it was pointed out that the session
should actually have been set for someone to demonstrate a skill to the group –
an exercise in public speaking – but the person whose turn it was supposed to
be had altered the schedule in order to put it off for their own personal
reasons – which I cannot share due to confidentiality issues. This led into
more discussion about jobs and people not taking responsibility for their
actions. I know that I have been guilty of this myself and so felt that the
reaction of some of the other community members was rather extreme.
More
arguments ensued and it got rather heated. I don’t much like conflict – though it
may sometimes appear otherwise – and so got extremely anxious and had a panic
attack. Before now I would have left the room when the panic attack came on, if
not before, but I forced myself to stay in my seat, despite the intense urge to
just run away. For all the argument about of structure, the structure for the
session went completely out of the window, and anarchy and chaos presided. This
only added to my distress and anxiety, as I need structure and routine. The
arguments just kept going around in circles, with several people really getting
on my nerves – this is why I don’t like people. Finally time was called and I
rushed out of the room wanting air (it had been so stuffy in the therapy room)
and to go home. I didn’t leave but I was still very upset and mistakenly
started discussing what had happened, with another community member, in the
social space. As this is breaking a ground rule I was advised to stop talking
about it and bring it in to a therapy session; which I intend to do properly
next week.
Awareness
that afternoon was not as bad as the morning. The main theme was body language
and there was some discussion on the topic and a little role play. I was
exhausted from the morning so the calmer atmosphere was greatly appreciated.
When awareness was over I could go home. I was completely drained but had an
appointment with my doctor that evening and so couldn’t just go home and rest.
The appointment went well and talking about how the therapy was going actually
helped me to put my feelings about it in perspective after such a stressful
day. It seems that thus far my general feelings about it are positive.
Wednesday
morning in community meeting, unfortunately the arguments started all over
again. I tried to stay calm and rational but failed miserably and when it came
to small group therapy, and the conflict still continued, I started to have
another panic attack. Again I did actually manage to stay seated. It was
difficult, but I am grateful to one person in particular who tried to diffuse
the situation. Towards the end of the session a kind of vague resolution was
made, but I still felt very anxious and stressed.
I
had been selected to take part in Working Party, which takes place on Wednesday
afternoons, immediately after lunch. Working Party consists of six community
members and two therapists who discuss practical issues that affect the
community. I didn’t particularly want to do it because I am not good at taking
responsibility, but in the community that’s a reason to do it; I just feel it’s
a bit soon - this week was only my third week. Despite my reservations it went
quite well. We only discussed one point and at times it felt repetitive and I
got frustrated with people talking over one another but by the end of the
meeting it felt like we had actually achieved something, though it seemed a
small thing.
PAG
followed Working Party, and again it went well. There was one person new to PAG
and two people who were nearing the end of their assessment (as well as some
other community members and two therapists). The two who were near the end of
their assessment completed it in the session and were invited to start full
time from Monday; so on Monday we will have two new members, making our numbers
up to fourteen (not including the therapists).
After
PAG the whole community joined back together for After Group to discuss how
both the previous sessions, and the day generally, had gone. By this time I was
exhausted and really did not need more conflict. For the most part it went
smoothly but were a couple of times when people got agitated and even
aggressive. I think it’s fair to say that Tuesday and Wednesday were not great
days; everyone was frustrated, annoyed and upset and people just weren’t
listening to each other. It strikes me that, unless people actually listen to
what other community members say, group therapy won’t work and the community
will just fall apart.
On
Thursday, as I have previously explained, we are only in for the morning. We
had boundaries and reviews, and then came to check-out. In check-out I
explained that I was going to Brighton at the weekend for a wedding. I was
really anxious about the journey and it was really stressful and
anxiety-provoking, but I made it all the way to Brighton. I was also really
anxious about the weekend as a whole. It was the first time I was going to be
in Brighton since I left last summer and so I hadn’t seen anyone for over a
year. I also hadn’t been away from home alone in all that time, let alone as
far as Brighton. Then there was the anxiety over seeing people. I love my
friends from Brighton and still keep in touch with some of them but, having
been away so long, I have missed things. I also feel that I have changed a lot
in the course of the year and so I worried that they wouldn’t have still liked
me. I know that it was just my paranoia and anxiety that made me feel that way
but I was really scared. Finally, I had been having a fat week, so I didn’t
particularly feel like getting all dressed up for a wedding, even though I
really wanted to be there. So (back to the point of this particular post) after
I had explained this to the group, I went on to say that I had found the week
very stressful and anxiety-provoking. After I had finished speaking, one of the
therapists said that I “have a strong voice”. At the time I just responded with
“I don’t feel it sometimes” but since, I have been wondering what exactly he
meant by that comment, because I am not exactly sure. I think I might have to
ask him for clarification because my paranoia is still doing over-time.
The
morning actually passed without conflict. One person was away but, though I
wonder about it, I know that it wasn’t the whole reason behind the change in
atmosphere from the Wednesday to the Thursday. That lunchtime we had a birthday
lunch for a community member. I baked brownies for it and they seemed to go
down well so that made me feel a little better about myself. That afternoon, I
met my best friend in town, which seems to be becoming a weekly ritual, and
ranted at her about the stresses and anxieties of the week. I am so blessed to
have that woman in my life and I feel sorry for her having to listen to me
complain all the time. However much I complain though, I have come to realise
that I am blessed to have the opportunity to be part of the therapy programme.
It may be frustrating at times, and very hard work, but I have already seen and
felt some benefit. Please pray that it keeps working and I keep seeing the
benefits.
Thanks and God bless
KV
Monday, 16 July 2012
An Exercise in Pointlessness
So
today began the third week in the mad house and this afternoon we had art
therapy. As I mentioned in my post ‘Week Two in the Mad House’, I really
struggle with the art therapy sessions as I just don’t get it. Today, at the
beginning of the session people started to have a go at me about the fact that
I prefer to write rather than draw or paint. Well, perhaps saying they were ‘having
a go at me’ is a little immature, but I felt persecuted by everyone in the
room. I know that the point of therapy is to make the things that are uncomfortable,
comfortable, but people pressing me just makes the urge to fight or run away,
even stronger. I also felt like people weren’t listening to what I was saying.
Everyone kept telling me to just do whatever came to mind; to follow my
instinct, but I do that through writing. Art doesn’t come naturally to me,
words do, and so telling me to do what comes naturally, inspires me to write. I
express myself through words; this blog is evidence of that. But no one would
listen when I tried to explain this.
Because
of this I was frustrated and angry, so when it came to actually making the art
I admit that I was stubborn and rebelled slightly. I spent ages looking through
the art supplies for inspiration and just got more and more annoyed, but I was
convinced that the therapist was making note of my stubbornness and so
eventually decided to do something random just to prove how pointless it was.
Pointless making me do something without feeling or meaning. I found a picture
in a tattoo magazine of a tattoo of an eye. The image meant nothing to me; it
was just the nicest one I saw. I cut it out and stuck it to a piece of card and
then just left it at that. I called it ‘An Exercise in Pointlessness’ because I
felt no connection to it; it held no meaning for me; it just felt completely
pointless. After that there was still loads of time left and I still felt angry
and frustrated, so I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and scrawled in large
letters, taking up the entire A3 page, the question ‘WHY?’ I have felt so
disillusioned with a number of things recently, the therapy being just one of
them. By writing ‘why’ I was not only questioning being made to do something I
didn’t want to, and thought was pointless, but I was voicing my doubts about a
number of things. One might argue that by doing this I found purpose in the art
therapy but I did so by using words; or at least a word. I didn’t use paint. I
didn’t draw something. I wrote something. Which just proves my point that words
can be ‘art’ and you don’t have to make an image.
By
this point the anger had receded slightly but I still felt like being stubborn
and so, as there was still some time left, I grabbed another piece of paper.
This time I just signed it and then left the rest of the page blank. My point
in doing this was to express exactly what came to my mind when I entered art
therapy on a Monday afternoon, NOTHING. Finally the time for creating the art
was up and we had to sit and give feedback on each other’s work. Obviously
people commented on mine, saying that they found it provocative and aggressive.
I said that I felt apathetic towards my pieces of work but that may have been a
slight lie. I did feel little towards the first piece that I did, but I was
being stubborn when I said that they all meant nothing. Truthfully, I felt, and
still feel, angry and upset and frustrated about the whole art therapy session
and about the work I created.
I’m
still annoyed because, however childish it may be, I feel like I gave in to the
pressure to create art. I was stubborn and deliberately made a point, through
my work, of trying to rebel, by still using words and refusing to create
something; leaving a blank page. But I gave in and produced something. And now
I find myself questioning my work and the purpose and meaning that I placed
upon it. I also find myself wondering why it is, exactly, that I dislike art so
much. If therapy is going to make me think this much, I’m not sure I like it –
and now I really am being stubborn and childish.
I
will write again soon I am sure.
God bless
KV
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